Sex in Public: “What about the burden on men?”

{via, with my modifications}

I hold silent tears. I am listening to beautiful poly people with wondrous sex lives talk. They are talking about creeps. A monogamous woman tired of being hit on. A “poly communicator,” confident and professional. A “reformed creep,” apologetic. There is an overflowing cornucopia of sexuality.

Now a woman is talking about how unfair it is that the burden is so heavy on the woman. What if it hurts his feelings to be told no? What a great burden woman bears! Nods of assent all around.

I am trembling and shaking, but if anyone notices, no one is saying anything. Everyone else is cheering and getting enthusiastic, but I am caving into an invisible black hole above my chest. My throat hurts.

“No slut shaming” – that’s got to go. And you know, I agree.

And now a young beautiful anthropologist woman talks about how irritating it was that the men in her sexuality study wanted to have sex with her.

Fury and tears. But the leader of the conversation wants to keep it light. Let’s respect his wishes.

I am not an unattractive man. I am 34. I work as a programmer. I have heard some close females tell me that I am handsome.

But am I the only man who hears the slut shaming of men? Am I the only man who feels shamed over and over for his sexual desires? Am I the only man told he is not heartful, because he desires? That I am shallow, because, yes, actually, I would like to be in a threesome?

Where is the woman who knows how insanely difficult the burden is on the man?

I have heard of one and one only, her name was Norah Vincent. She nearly went crazy living as a man. She felt the power of the woman experienced by the man – I know that she knows.

It is hard to breath. These tears run very deep.

I do not know how to flirt, and the women demand perfect confidence.

My heart hurts. My tears flow.

I do not know what to do.

I pray.

— Sebastian, Seattle


Sex in Public is an ongoing storytelling series devoted to uniting people through vulnerable & intimate admissions of sex & sexuality. 

© 2018 Ev'Yan Whitney. All rights reserved.