Reader Question: Sexual Frigidity & “Pushing His Hands Away”


(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become its own article. This is one of those questions.)

“Dear Ev`Yan,

I have never had an orgasm with a guy before. I do not like guys touching my vagina. I don’t know why. I just can’t get comfortable with them touching me there. My poor boyfriend. He really doesn’t like how I push his hands away when he tries to pleasure me. I know it bothers him. I have no issues giving blow jobs and doing anything for the guy, but when it comes to me, no way.

I barely like touching myself anymore. I used to enjoy sex, and now… I barely ever get horny. It’s extremely frusterating and sad. I think my emotions are playing a decent part in this.

I’ve looked up things on the internet, I’ve read books. I enjoy porn, and that used to get me going, but not so much anymore.

Has anyone else ever had this problem?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”



Dearest Amber,

What you’re describing is, by definition, what it means to be “sexually frigid,” a term that I completely dislike but am using anyway to put a word to what it is you’re going through.

Do I think you’re “sexually frigid”? No.
Do I think there’s a deep, underlying reason for your lack of desire? Yes.

Believe me when I say this: There is nothing wrong with you. What you’re going through happens to the best of us. I myself have experienced this, as have many of the people I’ve worked with.

And yes, I think you’re absolutely right: Your emotions are likely playing a big role in this.

For many women (& some men), sex is very much interconnected to all the other things within them. Therefore, sex, in all its vast forms, can be tied very intimately together with other things not necessarily pertaining to it: our work, our play, our relationships, our dreams, our emotions.

If just one of those things is off kilter, even slightly, everything else can feel off, too.

Your not wanting your boyfriend to touch your vulva is a signal that something deeper is happening within you. Something is off.

This doesn’t mean that it’s something you’re personally doing (or not doing). It could very well reflect something that you’re feeling on a level that has perhaps never been clearly revealed to you.

It could be some kind of sexual core wounding. It could be something — a memory, an experience, a harmless affirmation — that you’re unknowingly carrying around in your body. It could be that you’re having trouble getting vulnerable & letting go. It could even be that you’re asexual.

As you can see, this is a loaded conundrum. No amount of speculation could ever scratch the surface of what’s truly the cause of the walls you’re keeping around you.

In my own personal experience, I’d push my lover’s hands away (& turn down his advances) for reasons dealing with harmless affirmations (“I’m not worthy of pleasure; sex is bad; he doesn’t deserve my body. . .”), the awkwardness of coming into my own skin, & major trust issues.

It wasn’t until I worked to heal my own wounds that I could finally address the relationship I had to my body & the trust issues I had with my partner. It took large amounts of time & even more patience, both with myself & my lover.

I encourage you to really sit down & ask yourself what you think is keeping you from surrendering to your boyfriend’s touch; to sexual release in general.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • Does my partner make me feel safe?
  • Is it the way he approaches me that causes me to close up?
  • Is it in his technique?
And. . .
  • What do I really think about sex, my body, pleasure?
  • What kind of things do I say to myself about sex/sexuality?
  • What triggers this sense of ‘No’ when it comes to sexual intimacy?

Asking yourself these questions & really analyzing them will likely give you a clue as to why you push his hand away. Knowing this could also explain your lack of desire.

Now, in terms of your inability to orgasm with your partners:

This doesn’t necessarily suggest that there is something wrong with you or your body. It could very well be that the guys you’ve been with simply aren’t touching you in a way that causes you to climax.

People will often do to you what it is that feels good to them. And many don’t have the concept that their partners’ arousal looks & feels very different from their own. If they’re inspired by what they’re seeing in porn, then they’re being even more misled.

On the other hand, it doesn’t just rest on your boyfriend’s shoulders; it rests on yours, too.

Sexual essence is innately within us, to be sure, but our sexual expression is learned behavior.

If your partner isn’t arousing you, you must tell him. Ask for the touches, the thrusts, the intimacy you want. He’ll never know what he’s doing wrong if you don’t tell him (with kindness, of course).

This is all going to take a little while for you to sort through. Matters of the heart & body take time to heal & mend. But know that what you’re going through is common in all stages of life — young & old. Stay vigilant in your quest to discovering your triggers, the reasons for your emotions, & the whys.

And continue repeating this: There is nothing wrong with me.

© 2018 Ev'Yan Whitney. All rights reserved.