Me, circa early 2000s, in my America’s Next Top Model phase.
1. You are not a slut.
You are not a heathen. You are not a juvenile delinquent. All of this has been alluded to you by now, because you lost your virginity so young, but please believe me: Having sexual desires or opening your legs to people you care about does not make you a horrible person.
Do you know what it makes you? A natural, normal teenaged girl with unruly hormones.
Sex is a natural part of life. Sex is a beautiful part of who you are. Celebrate it! Experiment with it! Just be safe about it.
And by safe, I don’t mean that you need to use protection—which, yes, that is important, but I mean something else.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but. . .
2. You maybe shouldn’t have sex until you’re older.
Not because you might get pregnant, not because you might get an STD—though all of these things come with the risk of having sex—but because you’re too sweet, too naive.
I know you try and play like you’re bad, but at the core of who you are is an innocent girl who is tender-hearted and highly sensitive. Having somebody enter you is no small thing, and I don’t think you’ll be able to fully understand sex has on your spirit until you’re a little bit older.
So, even though you’re not going to, you should probably wait at least until you’re 18.
3. But notice I didn’t use the word “abstinent.”
Abstinence, as you’ve been taught, is not just about not having sex, it’s about overriding and completely ignoring your sexual desires, with the idea that the stronger your faith in God, the easier it’ll be to “just say no.”
I’ll be frank: I think that’s bullshit.
Being abstinence, for you, is not an option. It will do nothing distract from something that is much more pervasive than “mind over matter”. Abstinence will create for you the perfect breeding ground for shame and self-hatred.
It’s not healthy to try to ignore or control your body. It’s not healthy to try to deny a part of you that is natural and amazing. So don’t even try that.
That said, you can still do things that celebrate and explore your sexuality that don’t necessarily involve other people, things like. . .
- Hump things!
- Write about your horny fantasies!
- Figure out what turns you on by conducting your own sexy experiments!
All of this is to say. . .
4. Explore your sexuality on your own terms.
You’ve been given some not-so-subtle ideas that you can only access your sexuality through a man’s sexuality; specifically the man you’re supposed to “wait” for.
Again, that is bullshit.
You are a powerful sexual being. Your radiant sexuality isn’t solely activated by a man’s touch, and you don’t have to envision yourself marrying someone to explore it.
Please explore yourself and other people’s sexual expressions, too. Make out with boys (and girls!). Be interested in others’ explorations of sex, like the girls playing “kissy-kissy” in school—it’s all fun and games.
It’s OK to be curious and it’s important that you see the many different expressions of sexuality, both the good and ill-fitting. There’s no harm in it. Sex doesn’t always have to be so serious all the time.
And keep watching Blind Date. You’re not conscious of it yet, but this innocent curiosity is giving you vivid glimpses of adult sexuality, however inaccurate.
5. You can say no.
Even if it makes him mad, even if he threatens to break up with you, even if he calls you names. You can say no.
You can say no mid-act. You can say no after you said yes. You can say no if it hurts (sex should never hurt). You should say no if ever you are feeling uncomfortable, unvalued, unsafe.
Sex is not something that is done to you. Sex is collaborative. It is meant to be enjoyed. If you’re not enjoying it, if you want it to stop, use your voice.
Fuck his feelings and tears. Yours are more important.
Also. . .
- Your pussy smells 100% normal. Stop dousing it with perfume.
- Orgasm is one of those things you cannot fake ’til you feel it. Sorry.
- You don’t need birth control; you need to understand your ovulation cycle.
- Being a prude is not holier than being a slut. Stop slut-shaming!
- Don’t try to mimic porn stars. Be you.
- What you’re using as a dildo is not safe, though I give you props for being creative.
- YOUR CLITORIS!! Find it, play with it.
- Porn is just erotica in motion.
- Sexual harassment is not a form of flattery. Tell him to fuck off.
- Pee after you have sex every time!
- Despite what you’ve heard, sex is a direct pathway to God.
- You’re not straight, btw.
- About the pregnancy scares: You’re doing the best you can.
- Sex will never be for you the way it is in movies, and that’s a good thing.
- Look at your vulva often. And stick your fingers in your vagina. It’s not gross.
You’ll never guess what you end up being when you grow up.