{via}
(Note: This is a post from my husband, Jonathan Mead, in parallel to a piece I wrote a few months ago.)
Tears were streaming down my face. I was 10 years old, sitting in our antique Oldsmobile, outside the parking lot of an ice cream shop. My dad and I regularly had father and son nights, and on this particular one I gathered the courage to make a confession:
“I don’t know how to not cry. I wish I could stop but sometimes I just feel like crying, and I know boys aren’t supposed to do that.”
My dad consoled me and told me that it was all right. It was perfectly natural for boys to cry. “If you need to cry, just let it out, son. You have nothing to be ashamed of,” he reassured me.
I felt a little better after that, but it still didn’t shake my discomfort. I didn’t realize it then, but somewhere deep within in me I knew what a man was supposed to be, and I felt that I wasn’t it.
It was around that time that I can recall my first encounter with the lie of masculinity.
Over the course of many years, I came across many other lies that one by one began to build a skeleton of falsehoods living within my consciousness.
And being an innocent child, I accepted those lies. I knew intuitively that they were wrong, but I felt like I was being wound up with a key, predestined to follow a path set before me.
My male identity was being created, and I was slowly learning that men are supposed to be strong, not vulnerable & aren’t expected to express their emotions.
I was learning that men are considered queer if they don’t act brash and overbearing; that men are supposed to be dominant, not submissive.
I was learning that men are horny, not sensual.
The most dominant imprint in my mind was that who I was was not okay. Growing up in a house full of girls made things even more difficult (I have four sisters). I felt weird and “unmanly” when I acted in a more expressive way. I quickly learned that “expressiveness” was considered feminine.
But I learned to put on the mask and I wore it well. I would play football, run track and wrestle in school. I enjoyed these sports a lot, but I also did them because it was expected of me as a man. I didn’t like playing house or dolls with my sisters not because I found it boring, but because I knew that it wasn’t what boys were supposed to do.
Looking back, it’s easy to see that my parents and everyone around me were desperately trying to instill a strong sense of gender identity within me. I thought it was normal, of course. But many parts of it felt fake.
For instance, when I hung out with guys, why didn’t we actually talk? I don’t mean talk about sports or music or cars. But actually tell each other how we feel and give each other support (and I don’t mean slaps with a towel). There were many times I wanted to tell my friends that I wasn’t doing well emotionally or that I needed help. But that’s not what guys do. Maybe if this changed there would be less suicides among men.
Women are so great at supporting and openly complimenting each other. Why can’t men be like that? Will it really threaten our masculinity that much? If anything, I think it would strengthen us.
The lie of masculinity also crept up when I spent time with my family, acting in ways that I didn’t choose but was expected to. It manifested itself in my marriage. I had a “role” as a husband that I was expected to fulfill. To be vulnerable and admit my weakness to her wasn’t expected or welcomed. It was considered unmanly. So I buried that part of me.
In many ways, masculinity wasn’t something I felt or identified with. It was more of a performance that I felt I needed to act out out of fear for being shunned by other men (and women).
For much of my life the lie felt normal. But I slowly began to see its ugliness for what it was. I vowed to change it.
Therapy helped me see just how deeply these roles were embedded in me. I started to realize that I could create something different if I wanted to. I could actually define what it means to be a man for myself. I hadn’t considered that possibility before.
Digging through each layer of mud covering who I really am became my mission. I noticed that I acted differently depending on who was with. Not just because I was expressing different parts of me in a way I wanted to. But because I thought I should be manly and obnoxious around other guys, censored and conservative around my parents, and sensitive and playful with my lover.
The real me was partially revealed in each setting I found myself in, though I always felt like something was inhibited and held back. I wanted to be the same person no matter what situation I was in. I wanted to be open and expressive — masculine, feminine, straight, gay, bi, straight, queer or otherwise — not in the way others saw fit, or the way I was expected to as a white, male, middle class American. I wanted to be fully and utterly me.
To be a man isn’t to live by a rigid set of adjectives. It just means to be fully who I am — expressed in my own integrity, living my own truth. I only struggled to be a man because I was looking for my manhood stamp-of-approval from somewhere outside of me.
I realized the fastest way to be masculine or feminine is probably to stop caring about it. Be who you are, regardless of who you’re with or what you’re expected to do. There is a beautiful spectrum of expression in manly and womanly energy; we are vast and contain multitudes. Embody the qualities that you want, not because they’re masculine or feminine, but because they vibrate deeply with who you are.
I’m more than my gender. So are you.
I know there are others silently wishing to express themselves more fully and step outside of the box. I urge you to please do so. If there is something you want to do that you feel might question your manhood, I challenge you to act out of truth rather than fear.
As a fellow man, I’m here to support you. Not out of brotherhood, but because you’re human, and a beautiful person.
— — — —
Jonathan is a blogger and coach who helps people get paid to be who they are. He’s a barefoot runner, trafficker of truth, and has written several digital guides that can help you live and work on your own terms. Grab them here.
Incredible post. Thank you for it.
Voices like yours and posts like this need to be heard more, read more.
Absolutely *love* this post. Bravo. I’m passing it on.
Brilliant. So good to see the other half of the story & know that the message is still pretty much the same: Be YOU, whatever that means.
Love it. ;)
Totally fucking beautiful. This is the idea I’ve been trying to communicate to my (raised by a 1950s Italian man) husband who thinks it’s wrong for him to have feelings aside from work, money, and sex. Forwarding now.
Beautifully said Jonathan. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I like what you said about men really talking to each other.
Jen
As I read this, inside I was saying YES! YES! YES! . What an honest an inspiring view..one that all men(and women) need to read and stand by. Well done.
“I should be manly and obnoxious around other guys, censored and conservative around my parents, and sensitive and playful with my lover.”
That part right there is a perfect description and me to a tee! Of course I would never use the word “lover”. I would say “girl”. And maybe that’s because lover doesn’t sound masculine? And by saying that I just realized I’m only emphasizing the point of this entire post!
Interesting read, Jonathan.
Thanks for having the guts to comment and admit that David. I was getting worried when I saw that all the responses to this post were from women. I appreciate it.
Just, WOW.
Sending this article to my boyfriend right now.
It takes a lot of courage, amongst other things, to write like that Jonathan; I salute you!
Wow…seriously this is spot on. I think anyone, (not just men) can relate to this post. I would love to have more meaningful relationships where everyone can be their most authentic self without feeling they HAD to be something or someone they’re not.
Where I’m from, I never felt like I belonged, and often at times, tried to fit in a box that society, friends, and even family tried STUFFING me into.
Being someone that you’re not is excruciating tiring is it not?
Thank you for this empowering post, Jonathan.
This reminds me of a a TED talk I saw a few months ago:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html
Such an important conversation. Great post.
Interesting how the audience listening to this man, is mostly WOMEN. In fact I couldn’t spot one man in the audience when they showed them applauding at the end.
I believe the problem is that it’s written in the very nature of the traditional “man” role itself, that even talking about it, questioning it, risks getting a man attacked or ridiculed, he fears demotion in status by OTHER MEN.
Would this talk have had the same impact if it was not delivered by a man who is tall, broad-shouldered and has a deep voice?
So, so true, Emma. It’s a shame that such an amazing talk fell on female ears, when it’s MEN that should have been front & center.
Awesome video, Martina. Thank you for sharing. :]
Excellent, Jonathon. During my own divorce(s) and my own suicidal depressions, it was women who supported me. Not because they were my best friends, but because I found my male friends completely unwilling to talk about how I felt. I’ve tried to do better.
Men don’t support each other — you have that dead right.
Thanks for showing up as a man Nicholas. I think if more of us men take the leadership role and step out of our comfort zones we can hold the space for other men to be more vulnerable.
thanks as women I think we also buy into the lie of masculinity too and sometimes need to also be reminded that it is a lie. Iknow I’ve approached some relationships with preconceived notions of what I think a man is suppose to be based on sterotypes, so thanks again!
That’s really true. It goes both ways.
This was beautiful, Jonathan. I just wrote a guest post for Peculiar Girl, which talked about pretty much the same thing. I feel like I’ve pretty much overcome the lie personally, but I find that it really effects my friendships with other men. Because I was raised to believe that men were supposed to be these unfeeling, grunting machines, I never know how to act around them. I never know how to judge how far along they are in escaping the lie. I often find myself just assuming that other men are just grunting pigs. It is always nice to hear another man speak up about this because it can be very lonely when you “know better” but can’t find anyone else around you who does. Twitter and blogs are slowly helping me overcome my fear and prejudice against my own gender.
I feel like I’ve overcome it in a lot of ways too. Being more open with friendships with other men is like the final frontier for me. It’s time to break through…
Chase,
It is interesting to note that you are overcoming your prejudice against your own gender. I am not surprised that this post evoked such a strong response. Masculinity is changing and my feeling is that those who are unable to move with the tides will be left as “grunting pigs”. There are more men like you, you are not alone. Men are demanding more from men and as such we will have more equanimity in all our relationships. Can’t happen soon enough, in my opinion.
But couldn’t it just be that you’re an outlier? It’s unreasonable to think that every man is going to be equally masculine. Nature isn’t likely to work that way. But that doesn’t mean that men on average don’t show masculine qualities. We think of men as being less emotional than women because that’s the general pattern.
There are absolutely general patterns. But when we’re expected to follow a pattern is when problems arise and people change who they are to fit in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_2LpLhOsc4
Thank you for posting this video, Anna.
It’s a bit misogynistic, but still very fascinating.
Jonathan, this is one of the reasons I really enjoy working with you–you’re so real.
There are a lot of situations where I think it’s harder to be a woman than a man, but this is one where we have the advantage. We’re allowed to cry, be tough, wear pants, wear skirts, pretty much the full spectrum. People may not like it, but the consequences are much less. It’s far less socially acceptable for someone to question our femininity than to question your masculinity.
It seems like society is gradually getting smarter about all this stuff–I hope it hurries up! :)
Thank you for shifting the emphasis to wholeness, away from masculine or feminine. The simple truth is, willingly experiencing the full range of your emotions is the most manly thing a man can do. This makes us more available and therefore more reliable to the people who need us – another very important aspect of manhood.
As a husband and father I consider it crucial to my role to be able to empathize with the members of my family. You can’t just put that on. You have to feel it. Allowing myself to fall in love with my wife and son on a regular basis, over and over again means remaining open to experiencing them as they are, in all their expressions. To do that I need to maintain the same posture toward myself.
Anybody got a problem with that?
: )
Peter, you sound like a wonderful conscious man, husband and father. Wholeness is the only way that we will be able to thrive in whatever role we choose. We are all the expression of both masculine and feminine qualities. With the rise of feminism, women have had a bit more time to strengthen their masculine energy. It is a call to action for men to embrace their feminine nature for true equality. I have no problem with that!
From Macbeth: Act 4, Scene 3
MacDuff (upon hearing of the murder of his family by MacBeth)
…All my pretty ones?
Did you say all? O hell-kite! All?
What, all my pretty chickens and their dam
At one fell swoop?
Malcom’s response:
Dispute it like a man.
To which MacDuff:
I shall do so;
But I must also feel it as a man…
Great post.
Being a guy who doesn’t like to label anything into two extremes, I could totally relate to this post.
I always believed in androgyny (people who have equal amounts of masculine and feminine traits) because it creates people who are more balanced and in greater tune with themselves. I don’t give a damn if something is masculine or feminine as long as it works for me.
That’s why the blue/pink thing and gender stereotypes always creep me out in a way. That’s just me personally.
But I respect anyone who wants to be themselves, regardless of that masculine/feminine label.
Wow. This pretty much describes how I’ve always felt.
Being a man on one’s own terms is a hard road. But it is a very satisfying road.
I cry a lot! Last year I became spiritual, attended a Vipassana meditation retreat, and traveled for nearly 20 weeks. Throughout the year I estimated I cried at least 20 times, including both tears of sadness and tears of joy. The tears of joy were thanks to experiencing tremendous gratitude and bliss during my spiritual awakening. The tears of sadness were due to releasing from suffering and negative social programming and past events. Crying is definitely not viewed as masculine in my family, being raised by traditional Filipino parents with a father who was in the U.S. military.
This year I’ve probably cried 10 times already! I think it’s great when someone cries regardless of gender especially because they are merely in a state of authenticity. Being in touch with my emotions has helped me become more in touch with my intuition … don’t get me started with the benefits of the power of that! One thing I discovered is that women with higher awareness appreciate men who are in touch with their emotions and freely allow themselves to cry.
A quick tip for men to become more in touch with their emotions: work on becoming aware of (and possibly even diminishing) the precious MALE EGO!!!!
Beautifully said Kevin. Vipassana is a wonderful way to get in touch with ourselves and release all that ugly baggage that prevents us from being our most authentic, more beautiful selves. It is work to get there but so rewarding.
Sometimes I cry… Just to feel alive. My grandfather meant the world to me and he was taken VERY abruptly by Lou Gehrig disease. So when I need to just FEEL I think of how awesome he was, and the life lesson I learned from him… “DON’T WAIT FOR RETIREMENT” He was 65, and 2 months away from retirement when he contracted the disease.
This post hit me in two places… Aside from the cry part above, I danced at Disney World for 2 years which was a character shock and a half. I was in the 1% of heterosexual male dancers there… So after playing football, baseball, karate all my life.. NOW I WAS DANCING IN PARADES, wearing some pretty awesome outfits… It was an awkward to be manly, here I am this “frat” guy, in a sea of well…
Either way, exactly what you said above is what made me feel comfortable. Cause you know what, at the end of the day, I am REALLY BIG extrovert who likes to perform. Being comfortable with what I enjoyed doing and REALLY OWNING IT, is what helped me through the beginning awkwardness.
Thanks Jonathan Surfs up,
“To be a man isn’t to live by a rigid set of adjectives. It just means to be fully who I am — expressed in my own integrity, living my own truth.”
Thank you for saying this, Jonathan. It is about living in our own truth. I know I have been living behind a mask of ‘masculinity’ for most of my life, seeking approval from others for what I was. This helped destroy a 30 year marriage for me.
I am changing and talking about it. The stereotypes are created by all of us because we are afraid of the truth. It’s time for us to stand up as men, be authentic and own up to ourselves.
Ev’Yan I would love to re-publish this on ‘Male eXperience’ would you be ok with that? Let me know?
Absolutely, Graham! Share it with whomever you wish. & thank you! We’re both so glad that you enjoyed the post.
:]
I certainly carry a lot of the male stereotype, but not for reasons that came with this post. I’ve simply never been much of an emotional person, I’m analytical to a fault, and I value logic and reason over any other trait.
To that point: I haven’t cried tears of emotion since 1987. (In specific, when E.T. was being carried away by the soldiers.) Not when I graduated school, when I got married, when my son was born, or when I got divorced. Not once. Is that healthy? Probably not. But it’s something I have come to terms with.
I hate to be “that guy”. But I can’t relate to this post. I was raised to express myself…to talk about my feelings…I was told that it was OK to cry, cuddle, etc. When I would do something mean to my sister when we were kids, the worst thing I could be told was that I had “hurt her feelings”, that made me bawl and was a worse punishment than being spanked.
Along the way I did “manly” things like play football and wrestle in high school (but was confident enough to be the first male cheerleader in my school’s history) and joined the Marine Corps.
In the end, I agree with your conclusion that to be “a man” is to be your true self. But there is NOTHING WRONG with genuine masculinity – there is a difference between feminine and masculine energy…neither is better than the other, but there is a difference.
When you were younger, your definition of masculinity was incorrect, but I don’t think you expressed to the reader WHY you felt that way and I think you do a disservice to genuine masculinity or masculine energy by associating it with all things bad or by grouping some of the stereotypes into a one size fits all, always negative light.
I agree, Rob. The problem here isn’t with masculinity, it’s with one particular definition of masculinity. Suggesting the complete opposite viewpoint is the “truth” isn’t the way to go.
The first thing you have to know is yourself.
I disagree with you that this post is a disservice, though. If you were one of the people who this did apply to, and it gave you permission to be yourself, that is quite a service provided, indeed.
Trust me, this post is definitely NOT a disservice. In a world where 10% of people are actually authentic, and aren’t trying to be someone else, it’s refreshing to hear this point of view, and actually makes me feel very very sane. It’s stuff like this that makes me feel LESS alone in this world ^_^
The comments on this are just as amazing as the work. Very impressed Jonathan! Reading this, it reminds me why relationships with women are so deeply valuable to men, they simply allow themselves to open up in a way they do not do with other men for the most part.
I enjoy your challenge at the end, I think that needs repeating to more men.
Love.
This needed to be said. I have 4 sisters too and I’m damn close to my mom. I don’t ever hesitate to tell my guy friends that I love them.
This is greater than gender and all that jazz. It’s about life and love and humanity. Thanks for sharing.
You nailed it! I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone to have the courage to say what you just did, as a man, for years!
The “man box” that men are raised to put themselves in is I think in large part responsible for why so many women think of so many men as “pigs”, and why a typical man stereotype involves a rough, kinda dumb dude that only cares about sex, sport and beer.
Honestly, this is why I kinda like gay men, despite not being gay myself. They just seem so much more honest and real, and I can easily identify with the fact that they are a till-recently (and still often) shunned minority. I’m not gay, but as a not-so-masculine man who has his own weird ways including say, the desire to actually think and feel things through and not participate in stupid manly bantering or measure my value by how many chicks I’ve f*cked, I do feel like a minority.
Sometimes it seems so hard to find another man, and often even a women, that you can really be yourself with, without having to go through all those layers of nearly pointless “protocol” that only turns us into *actors* playing some kind of a dumb predetermined role.
Seriously, humanity should just freaking grow up already.
Acting is great when you want drama… but not so satisfying when you want real, open, satisfying interaction with people.
I think it is hard to find men and women like that. But I also think it’s up to *us* to do something about it. The more open we are as men around other men – open or playing a role — the more others will feel comfortable being who they are too. Sometimes you have to be the change you want.
A beautiful post Johnathan! So refreshing to hear it from a man… it’s something my girlfriends and I have often talked about. It must be a lot of pressure, being a male today, and to see a man stick up for himself and other men, and be encouraging of them to be more open and communicative with each other is brilliant. There is so much strength in sharing.
Excellent!!
Nice post Jonathan. It’s hard for us guys to write about or even talk about this kind of stuff.
Thanks for stopping by David. I agree it’s hard. It’s been really worth it though seeing that this is something a lot of men really want to talk about and embrace.
Hugely grateful and in empathy with the struggle to break out of the lie. Thank you Jonathan. You are not alone, brother.
I’ve been sitting in men’s groups for the last 7 years as part of my connection with the ManKind Project, and I am so grateful to have the space and support to break down the barriers that the ‘man-box’ of stereotypical western masculinity has constructed.
I am grateful to have a space to break down when I need to, to be vulnerable, hopeless, full of grief. I also have a place to be outrageous, full of my power and over the top.
I have watched hundreds of men bust through the barriers to fully expressing their love, grief, healthy anger, JOY, fear, and shame with other men. I have created intimate friendships with men that help me be more present in ALL my relationships.
For me, the weight of shame that lifted when I was able to let go of some of the expectations of the ‘real man’ lie was incredible. I wouldn’t have the marriage or life I have today without this.
That sounds like an awesome place to be who you are. Is that a part of an online forum, or is that a physical meetup?
I like to think that the first rule of being a man is that you make your own rules… easier said than done of course!
With regards to crying… hmmm… I’m not trying to be funny… but I think the last time I shed a tear was during a Metallica concert, when they played ‘One’ I also had a lump in my throat when Gandalf confronted the Balrog in LOTR.
Those were positive emotions of course. I guess I’m lucky I haven’t had many negative things happen to me.
What if men on the whole just don’t cry as much… we can still be pissed off, angry or sad but somehow our biology isn’t wired that way.
Anyway, I’m not going to feel less of a man if I do cry or less of an enlightened human because I don’t.
Dude, I totally felt the same way about Gandalf. Gaaaannnndalf!
This is probably an odd response, but your post makes me feel so grateful for my husband. We were both in gay/lesbian relationships before we met, and came to each other completely (unexpectedly) open hearted.
I don’t feel like we have to break through the lies too often…and hopefully we are teaching/allowing our son to be his full self as well.
That’s not odd at all Amy. I’m incredibly grateful for my relationship as well. It’s hard to come by the kind of openness Ev’Yan and I have together.
honest, authentic post. thank you for shedding light on a VERY relevant topic & set of issues.
jonathan and ev’yan,
this is a beautiful piece, full of heartfelt emotion born from great struggle. one of the more difficult things a man can do is step outside that cultural box and be himself. i should know, because i do this every day.
as a man who is sexually attracted to other men (not crazy about the term gay – androphile?), every thing i do, whether it’s playing sports or flirting with a man, is butting up against a social construct of some kind.
i’m too “masculine” for most of the homosexual men i know. i’m too in tune with my feelings for most heterosexual men i know. it’s as if there’s this box within a box that i have to fight through.
so, fight on, brother! continue exploring this “man” jonathan. learn to be true to you, love all, and peace will follow. we’re all behind you with ev’yan as you encounter the beautiful human you were made to be.
peace and joy be with you both
joseph
Thanks for your support Joseph. It’s true that it’s not just a battle of gender, it spreads into all manifestations. We have to dissolve the box.
A couple of thoughts while reading this post:
1. Political: If men talked to each other more and supported each other, there would be a lot less war.
2. Artistic: The relationship between gender identity, self-expression, and creative inhibitions is a huge subject. I’m reminded of this quote from the beginning of Daniel Pink’s “A Whole New Mind”:
“I have known strong minds, with imposing, undoubting, Cobbett-like manners; but I have never met a great mind of this sort. The truth is, a great mind must be androgynous.”
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I’m with you man. It would be a different world if more men could openly discuss the entire range of their emotions.
Joseph, I could not agree more!!! I love it when men get together and support each other. I actually thought men always supported each other. With men being raised by women these days, I find that more men cry when they want to. But what I really hate is when men cry “THE MAN CRY”. The cry is with out tears. The tearless man cry, when you avoid the issue and walk away.
Can some one tell me something? Why do men with beautiful smiles, refuse to smile as if smiling were feminine? It’s very sexy when a man is laughing and smiling! Some body tell me, what do some men have against smiling?
Oh my gosh..yes, yes, and yes. I have five children, three sons and two daughters. I’ve always tried to allow them to express themselves without gender bias but society often gives them a knock into the holes carved out for them. (“aw mom, you’re just open-minded like that because you are an artist…regular people don’t see it that way….”) I am passing this post along to all of them to remind them that they are truly beautiful and that they can give themselves permission to find the courage to live their own, personal truths.
If all men (and women) felt this way…could you IMAGINE the changes that could be made in the world?
Absolutely beautiful, Jonathan. i feel similarly about being a straight woman – wanting to express sometimes the vulnerable, softer side where someone else protects me, then other times the plane-flying ass-kicking masculine-side. I think the worst any of us can do is feel that we have to choose between these sides of ourselves – you hit the nail on the head when you wrote we should be able to express whatever we need to whenever we need to. a very intelligent and poignant post. LOVE it!
Thank you Sarah. You’re beautiful whether you’re kicking ass or being protected. :)
I’ve been studying masculinity and boy culture for about five years now. One of the best (introductory) texts I’ve come across is Jackson Katz’s documentary “Tough Guise.” I’ve also seen him speak, which was absolutely incredible in that I got to share that presentation with my husband.
Amazing post! This is something that has been on my mind for a long time and has influenced how I raise my son. I wish I would have had this a few years ago when I was trying to figure out a man’s role in this world. Thank you for this amazing post.
Becoming a man is hard enough without first being a woman. This was an awesome read and very helpful for me. Please write more. Gender is not binary!
Hey there Jonathan,
this is great!! I read it to my boyfriend, but could not really make out what he thought of it (quod erat demnstrandum).
That being said, there is also another side to this story. Here in the Netherlands at least. And that is men have become so adaptive that they felt like they had to turn themselves into half-women.
Men need to take care of babies, cry, talk about their emotions, etc. Men are mostly raised by women and because of so many single parent families this is more true than ever. So many men lack a male role model and are also being punished for being a man. Not allowed to be wild, to do all things men do.
The term for such a man is metrosexual, and is somewhere in between masculine and feminine. There have been come up groups where men can own their masculinity again.
Except for my boyfriend, most of my male friends are very much in touch with their feelings. And they have no problem with expressing them, althuogh sometimes the surrounding does. They are an exception. Althuogh they are straight, my boyfriend likes to refer to them as being gay.
Your point being made again. There is a biological difference in men and women due to the different functions the two sexes had in the last thousands years or so. Men were trained to be alone for a long time, focused only on bringing home the beef. While women were among eachother, having to be able to coorporate etc to get by.
It is just the last few centuries that this has changed and our society demands of men to be social, emotianally attuned etc as well. Your post shows that men, is a gender, is growing in that new role. Hoe
pefully being able to express themselves fully instead of falling into the trap of adapting to new expectations. And like you said, expressing themselves fully as hunan beings. You are still among few at the forefront. Keep up the good work!
Fabulous article. Thanks for bearing yourself out for us. I agree with you…mostly. The fact remains that while it’s healthy for men to embrace and express their emotions, it’s also critical to remember that men and women, while equal are totally different. It’s not in our nature to deal well with emotions as it is with women. Thats a bio-psycho thing.
I believe men are increasingly getting confused as to what manliness is. The key reason is, in my opinion, a backlash from too many men being raised by single mothers, the female emancipation movement putting the female values above those of men. Yes men did treat women very poorly but now God given manly roles like leadership, provision, protection are seemingly frowned upon by the modern woman who can fend for herself very well.
The problem i feel is modern society has vilified manliness and is glorifying womanliness more, forcing men to become more feminine. This is leading to lots of confusion in men today. Should men cry? Yes. Should men spend alot of time sharing their feelings instead of getting up and doing something to protect and serve those they love? Many women complain there are no men anymore? Why? Because they’ve demanded men to be more like them and then don’t like the fact that they need a strong, dependable male and not another girlfriend.
So, this topic needs to be handled carefully. The question should be, where does the lie of masculinity come from? And what is the true definition of masculinity. I don’t believe it should just be left to “who i am” just like laws shouldn’t be left to “whatever i feel is right for me”.
Hi Apprentice, you make some interesting points. I think that the pendulum has swung very far in one direction so that now, women are acting very manly and for a lot of women, denying their innate feminine nature.
Now is a time for men to delve into their feminine nature to correct the imbalance and hopefully in time, there will won’t be the need for these kinds of discussions.
I think that a lot of women would enjoy men who have a take charge, can do attitude rather than crying and avoiding the innate masculine desire to protect and provide. It is dangerous to adhere too closely to gender roles though I also believe that for myself, I like nourishing and nurturing more than I do protecting and providing. I can do it but I would rather be a flower than a bull.
Jonathan,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. Your words have truly moved me. I applaud you for having such great courage. Being vulnerable and transparent is often extremely challenging for women as well as men. Your willingness to risk speaking your truth is a real gift and inspiration to me.
On an even more personal note, I must tell you that the timing of your message is quite uncanny. You see, for a while I’ve been feeling a lot of anger toward men. In fact, yesterday morning I was thinking about how “screwed up” and “inhuman” men are. And then I got your email last night. Your words blew me away and softened my heart. Another profound gift.
The world desperately needs a lot more courageous men like you to speak out against the lies that keep all men from stepping into their full power. And the world definitely needs to be reminded–as I needed to be reminded–that men are people too.
Thank you again for opening my eyes and my heart.
Jonathan, I am almost 50 years old and have been sharing with many people over decades my belief that men would benefit from their own “liberation”. I’ve had countless “encounters” with men that I know I would’ve enjoyed getting to know better; unfortunately, the “horny” thing got in the way. Now I understand how isolating and free of healthy intimacy following a sterotypically male M.O can be.
I’ve been able to learn a little bit about each of you and your life together through this blog. It gives me the courage to commit to my partner. Even when your identities shift and expectations are complex and confusing, you make it through. Thank you for helping me see how normal I am and how relationships can survive.
Jonathan,
Way to be bold and vulnerable and put it out there, brother!
I can really identify with much of what you wrote here. I excelled in sports in high school, etc, but I always kind of felt a little out of place among the “jocks.” A lot of my closest friends were girls, because I have always connected better with people who can express themselves.
When I got to college and took a class in Gender Studies, it really opened my eyes to how much of our gender roles are learned–and how early an age it starts (even as infants we are being treated differently!).
You still hear it today, that a more expressive male is in touch with his “feminine side.” I would argue that an expressive person is in touch with his human side. It’s western culture and social rules that allow women to connect with their emotions and express themselves. It’s acceptable, and expected. Not so with men, but of course, that’s changing.
Great piece.
Paul
Wow. I’ve been going through a lot of transformations lately and this is the catalyst I needed to take a better look at my personality, my sexuality, and what gender roles have done in my life.
Thank you.
Jonathon,
thanks for your heartfelt expression. your discussion and sharing of your own experiences take much courage.
i feel there is a really critical point to be made here. male & female gender is not the same as masculine & feminine polarities. the Taoist philosophy of Yin Yang suggests that within each of us is BOTH masculine and feminine. a man with fully integrated masculine and feminine energies will be decisive, purposeful, focussed AND at the same time balance that with his own feminine energies of empathy, compassion, expression.
when the two energies co-exist within the one being will you evolve in consciousness and the separation caused by duality ceases to be, and you return to your heart centre. this is the stuff of life. may you shine the light so others can follow.
DOPE…
Wow, Jonathan, this is a beautifully written article. Thank you so much for your eloquence. By the number of responses, clearly you are hitting a chord with many people.
In the quest for wholeness, there is the necessity to claim both the masculine and feminine qualities in ourselves- the innate yin and yang that we all carry. Of course, some will sway towards one pole more naturally but there is great power in at least acquainting ourselves with both to know our boundaries and limitations and what we are capable of achieving.
I also believe that with women working so hard to be like men (in the boardroom, bedroom and other realms). Many women have lost their uniquely beautiful, soft feminine aspects. We were told by our feminist mothers that we could do it and should want to. I know a lot of women who are just plain tired of doing so much and feeling that their masculine counterparts are simply missing the grade. Consequently, so many stay single or settle.
I think if men can claim their feminine than women can probably work a little less hard and return to their softer, nurturing ways just a little bit. Perhaps it is a way for all of us to develop true equality. And it is happening now!
Thanks again.