{via}
I had a crush on a girl once.
She had hair the color of a reddened sunset & eyes like blue-tinted glass. She was feminine, assertive, audacious — all the things that were lying dormant within myself. She spoke of eroticism, sensuality, feminism. She influenced me to enjoy wine, to buy lacy underthings, to embrace my inner femininity, a side of me that felt cut out since I shaved my head. She called me nicknames. She inspired me to write boldly & courageously. We collaborated on ideas & encouraged each other’s work. She fed my creative expression.
She was June & I was Anais.
Thousands of miles separated us, but distance couldn’t stifle our chemistry, our connection. It was instantaneous, my affection for her. I truly couldn’t help it. She was the type of woman that electrifies you, where people fall in love (or lust) just at the sight of her. She possessed a spirit that enticed you, took you in, made you feel comfortable, worthy, adored.
I truly couldn’t help it.
In the dark of the night I would think of her. I filled pages in my diary about her, craving to know every part of her mind. I wanted to be her; to embody her essence, her sex, her light. And in the midst of all of these things I was terribly shy, incredibly apprehensive, for I knew that there would be consequences to my silly, whimsical fantasies. And they really were silly. And unexpected. And improper. And contradictory. But none of that really mattered.
I was lovesick.
The discovery of my emotions ignited a strange kind of fire within me. I felt sensual, blissfully conscious of my deepest carnal instincts. I wanted pleasure; I sought it, dived head first in it. (And it was through this rousing enthusiasm that this very blog was birthed.)
The results of my sexual awakening trickled itself into my marriage. My husband & I were intensely intimate, frequently & emotionally. There were moments between us that were so passionate, so lustfully driven, that neither of us could contain it.
My tryst with her barely scratched the surface, but provoked a strange kind of fervency in my own relationship.
It was feisty, it was raw, it was good.
Everything was so, so good.
And then… it ended, just as swiftly as it began. Communication slowed, circumstances got complicated, emotions became excruciating. It all happened too soon & too late. There were too many emotions involved. It all got out of hand.
We both were given a harsh reality, but mine was more vicious, more penetrating.
It was all just a fantasy. It didn’t really mean anything. It never would have worked out.
The pain I felt as I acknowledged that it was over was as surprising as it was devastating. I denied my feelings because they were so random, so out of context. It was almost a little absurd. There had been no physical contact between us; no promises made or lies told. Why did it hurt so bad?
In the end I attributed everything I was feeling, all the heartache & despondency, to losing a dear friendship, one that had the potential of being deep & meaningful, but was never fully manifested due to a series of unfortunate events. Nothing more or less than that.
But when I told this story to my husband, to my sister, to a new friend… their reaction was one of sympathy (even if they didn’t understand) & gentle tough love.
“You are bisexual,” they all said in not so many words. It was as simple as that; I was the one making things so difficult.
And as they tried joyously & supportively to get me to face a new reality that is almost too much to bear, I couldn’t find peace within it. I abhor the word “bisexual.” I feel that there are too many holes in it & not enough nuances. The word implies a passing “phase” one is going through. It implies confusion, indecisiveness, recklessness. It implies “choice” rather than a deeper origin. Bisexual is a word that baffles people; it baffles me.
I tried to make excuses as to why that word wouldn’t ever fit for me. I tried to tell myself that my desires weren’t valid since I had not physically acted on them. I’m still trying. It’s so much easier to deny something than it is to surrender to the truth, a truth that is especially perplexing & fills me with far too many emotions.
But it is what it is. Though it makes me cringe, though it floods me with bewilderment… I am bisexual.
The questions & sentiments that arose from this newfound realization have been unbearable.
Should I “come out”? Maybe I’m just confused. What will my parents think? Was I born this way? Perhaps it really is just a phase. Should I let it rest? What does this mean for my marriage? What happens next?
What happens next?
I so admire your honesty Ev’Yan and I also really believe that most of us are bi-sexual to one degree or another. I think that our sexuality is on a spectrum… human sexuality is such a diverse and varied thing that is hard to pinpoint, though I think society likes to create pigeon holes or labels. As you said, even the word ‘bisexual’ has so many holes in it.
I believe that most of us are bisexual, too. It just depends on whether we’re choosing to express it fully or not.
Thanks for your comment, Jen. :]
Thanks for sharing this with us. I’m sure this was and still is a heavy issue for you, but luckily you have a lot of support. :]
I think a big reason why people don’t like the word bisexual (I don’t really like it either) is because people have placed so many negative stereotypes with it that do not encompass what being bisexual truly means.
Don’t worry about the label. It’s is not important.
Feel how you are feeling now with all your heart. Don’t let fear get in the way and cause more suffering. Your parents will continue to love you, your marriage will be fine, it may or may not be “just a phase”. What does it matter?
For now, you like women. Embrace that, explore it as much as you can, continue to communicate with the people you care about and just be present for the experience. When we over think we take the joy out of new things such as this you know?
I went through the same thing when I began to accept that I was “bisexual”.
Congratulations.
Oh, honey, it’s like you’re writing my story. And then I realized, I wrote it, too.
http://amandafarough.com/2010/08/an-unlikely-tale-of-unlikely-love/
My own experiences with the depths of despair created by “coming out” or realizing that my sexuality is fluid; not bound by traditional or normative. What’s that meant for my marriage? We’re both more open. And baby, it’s good.
I’m very proud of you. Everything you’ve done this year has proved how courageous you’ve become. I hope posting this has set you free. I’m blessed to have you as my sister, to look up to.
I would say more, but I’m in the waiting room of the doctors office and it’s so loud that I simply cannot think. But your words are very inspiring, and I love you. Straight, lesbian, bisexual… You could marry a fire truck, and I’d still care for you no less. Let’s go out on a sister date soon.
This is so profoundly honest. It’s powerful, humongous and so needed for so many reasons.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to figure out your sexuality when you’re an adult. I’ve known I was bisexual since I was a young teen and even though I’m 20 now and it’s 7 or so years on, I’m STILL confused :D Trying to label yourself can drive you crazy. I actually find it easier to say I’m ‘bi-amourous’ (ie. I fall in love with people regardless of gender). Sexuality is complex for me, one day I’m attracted to women, the next men, there’s no pinning it down so I’ve given up. I’m just ‘sexual’. Personally I don’t think there’s much point in coming out to family members unless you’re intending on bringing a girlfriend to Christmas dinner. Oh and here’s a forum for bisexual women, it might help with questions etc. http://www.shybi.com/forums/
I used to have a sticker that said “Bisexuals love everybody” and I thought it was so true. But through life and learning about myself, my love, my God, I have come to realize that we are sexual beings. YOU are SEXUAL. No, homo, hetero, bi, or even tri about it. We are sexual beings. There are many kinds of love, and you will love many times. We were made out of love, and we were made for love.
Embrace it. Don’t let it become an idol, but don’t fear it. I’m not saying there’s nothing to be afraid of, loving means being vulnerable, but that’s the beauty of it.
HOLD UP! Wait! I’m just playing!
Seriously! Most people are part gay. If I remember corectly Dr. Alfred Kinsey said there are 6 levels of homosexuality ranging from not gay to very gay.
What you described to me does not scream “I think I’m bisexual”. You described a feeling one gets when another person introduces them to a totally new experience.
When someone introduces you to a new experience, idea, or allows you to explore things you were afraid of you fall in love with the person. You find yourself wanting to know all about this person. You kind of want to absorb this person into your being. The way we want to do our lovers. I have not felt this way about anyone in a long long time. It’s kinda funny to see someone else experience it.
I personally think that all women in a way are bisexual. The separation comes in the actions. While most women would not sleep with another woman the sensuality, our words and care of one another cannot be denied.
I had a guy friend express his lusting to me being jealous of how women are allowed to behave with one another. We can kiss, hug, touch, play and more with one another without having to question or have anyone question our sexual position. He spoke of craving to give a friend a hug but knew that it was not a ‘male’ action to take. So he still longs for the connection and envies women’s ability to do all the above and still be a heterosexual woman with no questions even coming to mind let alone being asked.
I’m also somewhere in the middle of the sexuality continuum and I also don’t like the word bisexual, for many of the reasons you mentioned.
My sexuality is not something that fits neatly under a label… and it’s not something that I want to label or define. I want to just be myself and interact with individual people in whatever way I interact with them. I don’t want gender to be an issue or a dividing line.
It’s difficult though. I definitely have moments when I wish that my sexuality could be simple and easy to define and seen as no big deal, rather than always being fluid and complicated and misunderstood.
I love the honesty in your posts in general, and I really appreciate you sharing this one.
I love that you had the courage to write this. Having a blog that you know friends and family will read can make this kind of stuff really intimidating. But, your last post was about doing stuff that scares you right?! Your rocking that ;) The first time someone told me I was a bisexual, I remember being completely bewildered, embarrassed and caught off guard. It is not my favorite word, and I don’t really use it. I love people…whatever flavor of people I love at any given time, that’s up to the universe to show me. Congrats on your revelation, wherever it might take you! Self discovery is amazing, isn’t it? :)
I really appreciate this post, Ev’Yan, as another bi-woman-married-to-a-man. It frustrates me because I feel almost sort of poseur-ish identifying as bi since I haven’t ever been in an actual relationship with a woman; for various reasons (mostly: lived in small, conservative, homophobic town, got married young). I feel like I don’t have a right to the label because of those things. I don’t like the word “bisexual” either, for all of the connotations people have given it, but I’m not aware of an easy-to-use-alternative that most people understand right off the bat. I suppose it’s rather a moot point anyways, as the issue doesn’t come up much since I’m in a straight, monogamous relationship. Anyways – I really appreciated this post, I sympathize, and I appreciate the bravery and honesty it took to write it. Thank you.
I totally agree with an earlier comment that said that this post is needed and profound for so many reasons. Not enough people are willing to look honestly at what attracts their heart & minds.
I personally have dealt with this twice so far in life. Once in elementary school and then once in college. When I was younger, I didn’t realize that the attraction I was feeling towards a classmate was one of romance. It wasn’t until I was older (& “finding myself”) that I realized that what I had felt for these women was a crush as intense as any that I’d felt for a guy. Once I’d read more about sexuality, I realized that these attractions are normal…and since they’re natural, I decided that I didn’t want to label myself either way.
…Though, that being said. I don’t consider myself bisexual & I haven’t pursued a relationship with a woman. Perhaps it’s the subconscious psychological ties “bisexual” has with it that keeps me from wanting to ID with it. I do know that I would “rather” have a relationship with a man…and I am attracted to men in 90% of my romantic attractions, but I’ve recognized that there is the chance that I could find a romantic connection with a woman.
I think the most important thing is to recognize and accept that there are times in your life when you may be genuinely attracted to another woman. It seems like you’ve done that. Perhaps all the questions you’re asking yourself only need to be answered if you find yourself actually acting on a relationship with another woman?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand your inner conflict, but please don’t stress yourself out about “what to do next”…what you’ve felt/feeling is natural and normal. I don’t think you need to label yourself or “come out”. You sexuality is yours & yours alone and an explanation to others isn’t necessary.
Good luck on your journey…trust, there are plenty of us who are on similar paths :)
I like Rachel’s word, ‘bi-amorous’…and I think its a better fit for what this really was between you two. And, technically you arent bisexual til you actually have sex…lol. Beyond that though, a single word does not have to define what you are…its still a small part of a beautiful complex human being. I wouldnt worry about coming out to anyone except your husband until you really understand and acknowledge what is what. I love your bravery and insight though, keep loving and keep writing.
I saw that Ameashia already left a comment farther down in regards to this, but I thought I would chime in and agree with her. You don’t have to have sex with someone in order to give yourself the label “heterosexual,” “homosexual,” or “bisexual.” This is why it irks me when people say that those who are interested in the same sex as well as the opposite, but haven’t actually pursued a relationship with another woman/another man, are only “bi-curious.” The vast majority of the population claims to be heterosexual, but plenty of those people haven’t had sex, just as many people who claim to be homosexual haven’t had sex. We don’t call those people “hetero-curious” and “homo-curious.”
As Ameashia said, it’s about who you’re attracted to – just because “sex” is in the word doesn’t mean that you need to have sexual intercourse with someone of the appropriate gender.
I don’t mean to be attacking you, so I’m sorry if it comes off that way. This issue just bothers me, so I wanted to comment on it. Otherwise, I agree with the rest of your comment :)
Honestly, I was attempting to make light of the situation because she seemed anxious about coming out to her family, thats what the lol was for. It was never my intention to offend, as I am a bi-sexual woman myself. Im not trying to start any trouble, but these are technical terms so if a homosexual did become attracted to a person of the opposite sex but had not yet engaged, then they are hetero-curious. You see what I mean? The whole point I was attempting to make was that its a small part of who Ev’yan is, and that if she is anxious about it, she doesnt have to label herself at all. Once again, I am not attempting to offend anyone by my choice of words, I was simply trying to help.
I understand what you mean completely, Lina. I’m not at all offended.
Thank you for the support.
I think we are all a little bisexual. Maybe men aren’t as honest with themselves about it, but I think it’s hard to deny the beauty of women–physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.
I don’t think you have any reason to worry about the reactions of your family and friends. Seems to me you are truly loved :)
Saying someone isn’t bisexual until they have sex, is like saying someone isn’t straight until they have sex. Orientation isn’t just about sex. It’s about attraction.
I admire your bravery Ev’yan. You rock.
I’ve longed for you to write about this. It is brave of you. I am bisexual, have known it for a number of years. And I absolutely love the word. I think it sounds good, it smells good and to me it is purely positive.
(The realisation wasn’t hard or difficult for me for several reasons. And now I am so priviledged to be surrounded by all kinds of queer people. And I live in Europe. Need I say more? ;))
I wish that you will be able to feel safe in your newfound sexuality, and know that it in no way is “dangerous”.
And I agree with Ameashia:
“Saying someone isn’t bisexual until they have sex, is like saying someone isn’t straight until they have sex. Orientation isn’t just about sex. It’s about attraction.”
Your honesty is admirable…thank you for sharing.
If you’re having sexual desires for both men and women, then I’d say you’re bisexual. However, if your desire is purely out of curiosity for who another person is on an emotional level, detached from sex, then I’d say you’re not. Either way…it doesn’t matter because that’s your business.
I think we’re all born bi-amorous – I like that word! I don’t think anyone comes out of the womb thinking, “Yep..I only like the peen” or “Ew men, only chicks are sexy”…it’s just so ridiculous that our society sees it that way. We come into this world with the ability and the desire to love period. Not love ____ or love ____ but to simply love. I think we end up being more attracted (or not) to a particular gender over time – it can be over a short period of time (3rd grade) or a longer period of time (mid 30s). I love my gf..it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and once I came to the epiphany that I’m gay like the rainbow, I was set! I like to say I experimented with boys in college lol. Sexuality is always tricky because, in my opinion, I don’t think it needs to be put out on center stage. It is what it is, it bothers me that we create so much drama over it.
I think the hardest part is allowing yourself to just live and experience whatever feelings of love you have for whoever sparks those feelings. I really enjoyed this piece, it was truthful and sweet.
I am so proud of you. To share this with the world is nothing less than inspiring, and I think you’ve probably found you feel more healthy since you hit publish. Acknowledging your entire sexuality is so beautiful, and even when none of the feelings make any sense, that’s the moment when you begin to feel a wholeness.
And let’s face it, fantasies are fun.
As a member of a women’s rugby club, I occasionally get asked if I’m gay or straight. My answer? “I have a boyfriend.” I choose not to define my sexuality, because I believe attraction and affection and love are universal, not limited by gender or sex.
With the exception of our family, we choose who we form relationships with, we don’t necessarily choose who we fall in love with. Love often just happens, regardless of whether or not outsiders approve of the person you’re involved with or the situation you are in – gay, straight, bi-sexual, etc.
It’s true that you fall in love with the heart. It doesn’t matter who the person is – male or female. It’s their heart that makes you feel the way you do, not what they have or don’t have in their pants. I don’t think one should feel ashamed about that. If anything, it’s rather mature to be able to put aside physical characteristics and place more importance on the true essence of a person – their heart.
Find someone that makes you happy, period. Male or female. Don’t find someone that makes OTHERS happy.
I am proud of you. Stay beautiful. Because you are. Truly, you are amazing.
Girl…this post was so beautiful, so tender, so vulnerable and real. Thank you for having the courage to share so much. Thank you for baring your heart for us all to see.
Love,
Sally
I had a relationship with a woman for 8 months before I met my husband. I had to break up with her to be with him.
I still wonder what she’s doing…and even though I made the right choice (because I love my husband, even after so many years), I will never forget her softness, her gentle approach to life and her vulnerability.
Maybe it’s the grass is always greener theory? Maybe if I had ended up with her, I would’ve wondered about my husband.
Thank you for sharing this. Thanks for your honesty.
Sexuality is indeed a spectrum; you can be attracted to manly men, lady ladies, manly ladies, lady men, androgynous anyone, and everything in between. That you experienced such a beautiful, amazing, explosive love for another woman is fantastic! But it doesn’t automatically label you as “bisexual” or anything-sexual if you feel it doesn’t fit you. The great thing about exploring your sexuality is that your answers are always going to be uniquely you.
I’ve discovered in my years of rollercoastering on the Attraction Rides that I can be attracted to all sorts of folks, regardless of sex or gender. And thus, I prefer to think of myself as simply “sexual”. No homo-, hetero-, bi-, or any of those unhelpful labels. In the words of Popeye: “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.” Maybe that would be a better lens to use for your own situation.
And finally: thank you. This is an incredibly touching story, and I know it had to be hard to hit “publish” on it, knowing how volatile the conversation around non-hetero sex can be. Super applause, all the way from here.
I just read through the other comments and see a few that use almost exactly the same words that I did. Amazing how that happens! Hooray for the love-fest!
I can completely relate! My friends call me gay all the time for commenting on women’s bodies. I’ve never explored anything with a women but I’ve always acknowledged women as beautiful and been vocal about it. I’ve just come the realization that I’m a sexual person. I crave it and in return I radiate it. It warrants a lot of unwanted attention but this is a part of me, a large part.
I’ve never been sexually attracted to the same sex, however I have felt possesive of close female friends. And while I admire the female body, its more of a I want to be like that, and not a sexual thing. I’ve always been attracted to men sexually. And even though this is random, last year sex was all I could think about, but now feel like if I never see a penis again it will be to soon!
I accidentally stumbled on this post via google and I’m glad I did; very honest and eloquently written. I just have one question for you ladies. Would your reaction still remain positive is this story came from the perspective of a married straight man? I ask this because there seems to be a double standard when it comes to sexual ambiguity. When two girls make out, everyone thinks it’s hot but when guys do it, they are absolutely and definitively gay. I think “bi-sexual” (I’m not particularly a fan of these sexual labels myself but for convenience sake, I’ll use them regardless)women are more likely to find partners of the opposite sex than “bi-sexual” men. Please let me know what you guys think, especially those of you with male partners. Cheers!
Hey, thank you so much for your thought-provoking comment.
For me personally, if Jonathan came forward & told me that he was bisexual, I would receive it with as much grace as he has with my own confession. There’s a good chance that if I were to tell his story here, a lot of people wouldn’t understand & would perhaps condemn his bisexuality & my choosing to accept it despite the fact that we are married. I think this is awful.
There is such a huge stigma when it comes to bisexual men; I don’t know why that is, or what makes it less appealing than watching two girls going at it drunkenly at a bar.
I think there needs to be more awareness around this subject when it comes to a male’s bisexuality. I think we need to stop viewing women as the “white unicorn” (the only ones that can express their sexuality in full spectrum) & men as either extremely straight or extremely gay. Men are just as capable of being fluid within their sexuality as women… & we should not ostracize them for that.
That’s just my two cents. :]
Ev’Yan,
Many thanks for your reply and I concur with everything you just brilliantly wrote. I consider myself a “straight” male and I have never experimented with someone of the opposite sex. However, I once inexplicably found myself having strong feelings for a male friend. Most people are immediately turned off if I tell them so I usually avoid the topic. After traveling a lot, I’ve noticed that reactions to male bisexuality vary from culture to culture. My English guy friends are very open-minded about the topic but it’s a taboo with my American guy friends. In West Africa, it is considered scandalous (like every other form of same-sex relationships) vastly due to the influence of conservative Western religion. Kudos to you for providing a forum for such frank and honest discussions on sexuality. Cheers!
I keep trying convince my partner to explore the possibility of bisexuality. He has definitely been pressured since his youth to act “more masculine” because he had long hair and looked effeminate when he was younger. He took a lot of heat for potentially being gay, and it has had an effect on the way he reacts to the idea of it. It’s sad the way society treats the idea of the bisexual man.
Then again, no amount of telling him I find androgyny intensely hot has convinced him of it yet. *sigh*
HELL TO THE NAW!!!! You definitely raised a good point. I would rather have MY MAN be honest with me as Ev’Yan was with Jonathan, if HE started developing sexual feelings towards men. Because then, that way, I would “set him free” in order for him to be who he needed to be.
I definitely would’nt approve of my man be a down-low, leading a double life, type of dude. Because there’s no way, ur gonna be d***ing some dude in the ***, and then bringing it home to me. YOU WILL GET CUT – STRAIGHT UP PHILLY STYLE!!!!
But I would appreciate the honesty, definitely….but I ain’t sharing my partner with anyone…PERIOD!!! Call it what you want.
But to each his own.
Your comment made me giggle, Donna. =]
Your strong reaction is warranted, because if I found out that my man was on the down-low, leading a double life, I would feel the need to do some damage myself (perhaps pour some scalding hot grits on his lap).
But… “Passport Stamps” said nothing about your man cheating on you behind your back with a guy.
He was simply talking about your man hypothetically telling you that he is attracted to both genders, not even necessarily meaning that he would want to go & be with guys. Maybe he just needed to be honest with you & tell you how he feels.
So what say you to that? What if your man, at the dinner table, said to you, “You know my [male] friend [his name]? I’m really attracted to him…” What would you say to that? Would you still “set him free” even though his confession is merely an honest confession, & not at all said in longing? Or would you embrace this part of him while admiring his honesty?
Just curious. ;]
lol…gurrrllll…ok….here’s the thing,
Passport Stamps said:
“I just have one question for you ladies. Would your reaction still remain positive if this story came from the perspective of a married straight man?”
My answer to that question: “HELL TO THE NAW”.
He is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, AND right ABSOLUTELY!!!
It would not be the same positive reaction if a man wrote this post…or…if their man said that HE was attracted to another man…emotionally and sexually.
FACT: Most women can’t handle their men being emotionally and sexually attracted to another woman…whether it’s in their face, or a cyber “emotional” affair…let alone a MAN…and I’m just being real.
I like what Magda said, which was:
“I wonder if the feelings would have been the same if you and her had been in the same vicinity, seeing each other everyday.”
which could have possibly added a whole different dynamic to your union…I’m jus’ sayin’
Now as far as if my man told me at the dinner table, that he was attracted emotionally and sexually to another man???..lol
Although I would appreciate his honesty, I feel that I would be damned if I embraced that part of him…and damned if I don’t…
If I embrace it, although nothing physical had taken place….it would leave the door wide open for the possibility of…
If I don’t embrace it, it’s almost like telling a kid he can’t have…which leads to stronger urges…and the possiblity of sneaking around…especially if… as you said “in the dark of the night, I think of him”
um….no boo…I would definitely have to “set him free” to be who he needed to be…because I would feel that I’m not enough…or maybe I can’t fill his needs…and I’d rather have it that way…before it leads to a real tryst with another man….because then…
well then…
*sigh*
I’d have to kill’im. :D
Thanks for your honest answer, Donna. That’s very interesting… :]
As long as the man was open and honest about it to his spouse, I personally wouldn’t have a negative reaction.
Given that a MMF threesome is on my bucket list, I would LOVE for a guy I was with to tell me he was bi. But then, I am down with open relationships, am a bit queer myself, and don’t consider attraction to other genders to be any weirder than attraction to various ‘types.’ :) Plus, like a lot of geeky gals, I find the idea of two dudes together hot. Slash fanfic exists for a reason. ;)
For some reason the word “bisexual” didn’t jump out at me when I read this post. I don’t think there’s a need for a label. I wonder if the feelings would have been the same if you and her had been in the same vicinity, seeing each other everyday. I say, if it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t use “bisexual” to define yourself. The term doesn’t change the amazing feelings this encounter evoked;)
I abhor the word “bisexual,” too. And so I don’t use it. I consider myself to be queer, which to me basically means “not straight.” Bisexual implies a gender binary that I don’t believe it. Queer, to me, just means that I fall in love with people, not gender. If I like you, I like YOU, regardless of whether you’re male, female, trans, or something else.
I struggled accepting my bisexuality, not so much because of the concept, but because of how much I hated the word. Embracing my queerness was way easier and felt more right. Other people prefer the term “pansexual,” but queer just felt right to me.
Hi again.
Please allow me to rephrase/rewrite my previous comment. I was very tired when I wrote it.
Firstly – I meant to say that I like the look and the sound of the word “bisexual”, not the way it smells :)
Secondly – I was very happy to see that you chose to write about this topic especially since you are in a committed (and I presume) monogamous heterosexual relationship. It might raise some eyebrows why someone feels the need to declare their bisexuality (or whatever term you prefer) when they are in a relationship with only one person. Some might say “of course she can say it NOW, she never has to risk losing all the privileges that come from being in a heteronormative relationship” while others just might think that it is “all in your head”. Or a phase.
But letting people think that one is straight up straight is denying a part of oneself. Bisexuality is a preference not an activity – thus mustn’t be acted upon for it to be real.
And also, every “non-heterosexual” person telling their story like this helps shed more light on the issue and showing that we all have individual stories, regardless of our sexual orientation.
This is why I was happy that you wrote this post. And I wish you all the best in you future journey of exploring yourself and finding your truth.
Respectfully,
Moody
This was an amazing post-I am going through something similar myself, an awakening of some kind (though I’m not quite read to write about it yet!) And I too am not keen on ‘bisexual’ or any other label of sexual orientation for that matter – ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ doesn’t quite do it for me either. For me, sexuality is connected to the erotic and the sensual, and labels tend to rob experiences of both those things.
I think I agree with what Magda says before. Labels aren’t neccessary.
I love the power of your writing, and I’m looking forward to the next post.
Oh, how I can truly relate to this.
Sometimes I wonder if I am in the same boat. I have a strong appreciation for the beauty of women and find it very easy and comfortable to compliment a woman on her appearance. My boyfriend always jokes around asking me if I’m sure I’m ‘strictly dickly’ but I always laugh it off reassuring him that I am. I sweep it under the rug and never dig into it to find out if these compliments and awe of women can mean more. Apart of me is too afraid to commit to finding out the answer, apart of me is afraid of what it might hold.
I’ve been running from it for years.
wow, I am so proud of you! Just found this site and much different than Apricot Tea. I remember the ONE email we corresponded and the feelings you shared with me. This blog is an extension of that which you shared, and are continuing to share. Back then it was a secret.. but now you’ve started a whole blog for this exploration! I’m not just talking bisexuality.. but sexuality in general. That’s beautiful.
I know what you mean about being bisexual. It is still hard for me to accept sometimes, too. Let me pull out my OLD archive about it: http://floretacui.blogspot.com/2009/01/on-being-bisexual-part-i.html
It’s hard to feel this way when I have no real experience with women. I’ve only dated men and I want to marry a man, I think. Someday..
Sexuality IS confusing. I think sexuality is fluid. It’s not so cut or dry to say I am “straight”. I have the potential to love anyone, regardless of their gender. :)
I’m coming late to the party. I actually read this a while ago and have been having a difficult time putting my thoughts together.
I realized I was bisexual when I was a teenager. I didn’t come out right away because I wasn’t in a good place for it at the time (side note, I’m from Asia). I gradually ended up coming out to my friends and, later, my parents. I had to “come out” to my mom twice. She didn’t believe me the first time because I was quite young, and she pulled the “it’s probably just a phase” excuse. I think she believed me the second time – I had actually been semi-dating a girl at that point.
I don’t actually like the term bisexual. I prefer queer and/or pansexual because I’m interested in people of all genders, but have mostly dated people of the masculine persuasion, and I don’t think the term bisexual quite pins all of that down.
Ultimately, after my first “coming out” I don’t really make a point of telling people my sexuality. I’ll tell them if they ask about it, but that’s about it. I don’t feel the need to be super out there about it, like some of my queer friends do. It’s just a matter of what one is most comfortable doing.
A lot of what you/your commenters mentioned about bisexuality are just unfortunate myths and stereotypes. They’re really annoying. I’ve gotten “it’s just a phase,” “so have you made up your mind yet? are you straight now?”, “oh, I don’t believe you, you don’t look like the type, you’re too feminine”, “but you haven’t DONE anything sexual with a woman yet! how do you know you’re really bi??” and countless others. It can all be incredibly exasperating. But in my heart, I know who I am and that’s what matters the most.
Finally – what does this mean for you and your marriage? What do you want it to mean? You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. You can just come out to yourself, as you already have. You can label yourself, or go without. You can try to connect with other queer folk. You can open up your marriage, or just continue on as you have been. There’s no right way; it’s all up to you.
Btw, you might want to read something by Robyn Ochs or check out “Kate or Die”‘s bisexuality comics.
Gah, this ended up being super long, I’m sorry!
Love this quote…
They asked me if I was homosexual or heterosexual, and I said, ‘Baby, I’m just sexual.’ – Irving Wallace
I had a similar experience, coming at things from the opposite end of the spectrum. For years, I was convinced I must be gay. Bisexual felt passing and trendy. “Bisexual men are just gay and won’t admit it.” It felt reductive. It felt overly sexual.
I eventually landed on queer. There are more than two genders and I can see myself loving them all.
And when questions bubble up in my mind (and they always do) I try to take them one at a time, one day at a time. I don’t know what it means for the next fifty years, I can only know what it means for me right now. And that’s OK.
The labels can be useful – when others say:
“You’re Straight” or “You’re Gay” and neither fits – as with my partner B. It can be a challenge for both of us – She Black and me White – and being Female and Male – with how we are “different” from each other. My step-son 15 – has a girlfriend of over a year – and they both are “gay identified bi”.
Being and accepting yourself as you are today, and tomorrow and yesterday is most important.
If I – a man – wanted to be “with a man” – and I have had brief male relationships, B – can’t “compete”. She’s not a “he”.
What we need is honesty, trust, love and caring. Plenty – of women and men – change and/or realize as they grow older that they aren’t what they thought they were. This can and does end relationships and sometimes open up new options and necessities in life.
I knew a “het” woman, whose husband realized that she was a woman and it changed their relationship which became polyamourously – “lesbian” in a sense as a result. I suspect it was most difficult for the daughter of the formerly “het” woman – whose step-father became a 2nd mother.
It can be lovely and it can be tough! You and your husband seem to be handling it nicely.
Wow, that’s pretty much, what I have to say. I am glad that I’ve touch upon your post. Right now at the moment, I know exactly how you feel. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years with a man. Over that time, I began to question my sexuality, because in my heart, I knew I was attracted to women, but because it was so taboo, I try to suppress those feelings. While I was in a relationship with my ex, I became attracted to this girl to the point where it seemed as if it didn’t feel right to be with my ex. This is where I started to question myself, asking if I was straight, and this was a phase, or I was gay, or bisexual. It is extremely confusing and perplexing. I still question if I am going to come out. But now I’m more accepting to it, and I’m beginning to act on it. You should act on it, because if it wasn’t a problem, you wouldn’t write this post. Thanks for everything. :)
I feel as though I am a poser as such….I was in love with my ex gf, she was my first. We were together for two years, but after feeling pressure from myself and my religion, I felt we were wrong and ended it. She was extremly hurt and we tried to be friends…and it didnt help. Guys approached me and lirted, I never really responded but she became jealous. To not remind herself of me, she looked in to men…and to not feel guilty for our romance so did I. I am now with my boyfriend and me and my ex do not speak..I dont feel the same as I do with him as with her and it hurts to know this, AND MAKES ME QUESTION myself. I thought guys were cute but only wanted to be with them for the perks of marriage and kids, now I find myself wanting and needing her but she is no where to be found..all in the quest of “Bisexuality”.
This is such a beautiful post. It’s been almost 2years since I fell in love with my gf. We were room mates at a silent retreat. I was married with children. She was a party girl who loved to travel. Our lives were worlds apart…and yet they collided on this particular day, at this particular place. The thing I thought was ‘missing’ was nothing more than acknowledging, accepting + honouring my truth.
Again, beautiful post. XOX
I think we are long overdue for getting drinks together. Also, this is a beautiful post.
I had two hand-fulls of boyfriends, many more one-night stands with guys…I was never truly satisfied sexually, nor emotionally – which I didn’t know until I had my first proper sex with my now girlfriend of 2 years.
And yet, I hate labels. I love sex with women, I find men incredibly attractive still and sometimes feel like being physical with them. What does that make me?
There is no black, white and one shade of grey. Today, I might be 80% lesbian and 20% straight. Next year that might shift. Who knows. It’s not important. Our sexualities change all the time and there are so many grey shades as there are people on this planet.
Screw labels. They are for those that don’t understand.
I am overwhelmed by the responses here…so many beautiful people with amazing hearts and souls. So many wonderful experiences and opinions. Wow.