Beyoncé, to me, embodies sexual liberation. But hers isn’t the only actualization / via We Heart It
I’ve been writing about my sexual awakening and experiences here for almost four years, and it’s taken me in as much time to understand that sexual liberation isn’t just about having great sex with multiple orgasms, nor is it about finding the perfect sex toy or having a sexual relationship with someone who deeply values and respects your sexuality (although, all of these things can come from sexual liberation).
No, sexual liberation is about your right, as a sexual, sensual being, to choose how you’d like your sexuality to be brought into the physical world. It’s about empowering yourself to demolish any “should” that comes attached to erotic expression that doesn’t suit you, and making for yourself an actualization of your erotic self that leaves you feeling unhindered.
Sexual liberation is about sexual agency, self-respect, and intimately knowing yourself and what it is you want.
There’s a misconception about sexual liberation being or looking like the manifestation of a Beyoncé song (for instance), where the sex seems constant, the orgasms plentiful, and the fantasies limitless. But one very liberating realization I’ve made recently is that how liberated I am sexually should not be measured by how many times or people I have sex in a month, or how many orgasms I give myself when I masturbate (if I masturbate).
I’ve been doing myself (and my sexual expression) a huge disservice by thinking that I need to be relentlessly amorous in order for my sexual liberation to stay current and intact. Many of my clients have as well. Whenever we get on this topic of sexual expression and the shoulds that often come with them, the first question I like to ask my client is this:
In an ideal world, with (or without) your ideal partner, how would you express your sexuality?
Sometimes multiple orgasms and daily sack sessions make it into that brainstorm, but usually what they’re hankering for is an ability to choose. An ability to choose to fuck their partner’s brains out if they want to or to choose chocolate cake over sex if they want to. An ability to choose to own their love of masturbation or to choose celibacy as a form of self-care. An ability to choose to be a sex-lovin’, orgasm-craving woman and to also feel OK when they’re not horny all the time.
What they’re seeking is permission to be the truth of who they are (or who they want to be) as sexual beings.
That’s what it really means to be sexually liberated—to be the truth of who you are as a sexual being. Not someone else’s truth, but yours—unwaveringly, unapologetically.
And this is great news, because that truth can look however you want it to, however you need it to; a plethora of different ways—just as long as it’s on your terms, just as long as it feels good in your body, and that it doesn’t force you to become someone you’re not. Just as long as it honors your natural rhythms and keeps you emotionally protected.
And the most beautiful part? When you allow yourself to be the truth of who you are sexually, you can then blossom and open erotically in ways you might not have if you were to hold onto preconceived notions about what your sexuality is supposed to look like. I’ve seen it happen—with my clients and with my own self. It’s that beautiful paradox of letting go in order to fully embrace. A win-win-win.
If you’re just beginning your sexual liberation journey and are wondering what that truth of your sexual expression looks like, dive deeper with these introspective questions:
- How do I want to express my innate, unique sexuality?
- What “shoulds” do I want to erase from my erotic expression?
- Who do I want to be as a sexual being?
- What boundaries would I like to create to keep myself emotionally and physically safe sexually?
- What does sexual liberation look like / feel like to me?
- Which components would I like to be included in my sexual expression: Kink? Tantra? Non-monogamy? Celibacy? None of the above?