Photo: The Things We Say
I know that sex is supposed to be fun, but I have to be honest: sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes it’s stressful, anxiety-inducing, nervewracking.
A lot of times I find myself in my head so much about it that I am unable to enjoy the pleasure being given me. I tend to judge myself for not being able to do certain things that I feel like I “should” do if I am to call myself a sexual woman.
I am my own worst critic. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I let my insecurities hold me back from really being in the moment.
The other day, I was thinking about all the places my mind tends to go when I’m having sex. Sometimes my mind goes to the mundane—I need to remember to email my client tomorrow; we should buy butter at the store. . .—but mostly it cycles through anxiety after anxiety, worry after worry.
Did the noise I just made sound dumb? Should I have taken a shower before we started? What if he tries to go down on me? Oh my gosh, is my face looking ridiculous right now?
I started to write down all of the insecure and anxious thoughts that get in the way of me being able to enjoy sex and rereading it, I thought: I’m so fucking done with this.
I want sex to feel like a joy. I want sex to feel really easy. And I want to feel so comfortable and confident in my erotic self that judgment about what I do doesn’t exist.
So in honor of my birthday today, I wanted to start anew and release these worries that are distracting me and keeping me from being sexually free.
These are all the things I don’t want to care about anymore:
1. What my face looks like when I’m coming
2. How many times I’m having sex per week
4. The amount of time it takes me to have an orgasm
I sometimes feel a lot of anxiety if I don’t come right away. When it comes up, it completely robs me of my ability to fully enjoy sex because all I’m doing is thinking, “Where is my orgasm?” instead of, “I am enjoying being in this moment with my lover.”
I want to ditch the pressure I put on myself to come quickly. I want to be able to fuck like the orgasm doesn’t exist.
And I want my motto for orgasm to be: You came at just the right time.
5. Reading the Kama Sutra cover to cover
6. Hurting his feelings by speaking up about something I don’t like
7. Trying crazy, pretzel-like sex positions
8. How loud I’m being during sex
There have been so many times where I’ve wanted to let out guttural moans and sighs but I stop myself because I worry that I’m being too vocal. But being so preoccupied with how loud I’m being takes me away from the moment. I’ve also noticed that it makes me eerily quiet, which isn’t true to my desires.
I want to feel free to moan and sigh and squeal during sex. I mean, of course I want to be mindful of whether I’m keeping my neighbors awake, but I don’t want to stop myself from making the instinctual noises my body wants to make.
I actually quite like the noises I make. And interestingly enough, the more I vocalise, the more turned on I become.
9. What he’ll think about me if I talk dirty
10. What my tummy looks like when I’m on top
11. Making myself squirt by my own hands
This started out as a nice challenge to know and become more intimate with my arousal, but has quickly turned into self-judgment and admonishment. I don’t know why but for whatever reason I can’t squirt unless my partner is the one doing it to me. And. . . I want to be OK with that.
It’s OK if I don’t gush like a geyser on command. There are many, many other orgasms I can try to have with myself solo.
12. How long he’s been going down on me
13. Deep throating
14. The amount of time we’ve been having sex
15.What my pussy smells like before I have sex
This is something I’ve worried myself over so much that I’ve actually stopped mid-sex to take a quick shower.
The idea of my vulva being this perpetually unclean place started when I was younger. I was taught to religiously wash between my legs with soap because things got dirty and gross down there.
But if I’m honest, I don’t think my pussy has ever smelled bad. My vagina has always been really healthy, partly due to my (overly) good hygiene and my diet.
So the belief that my pussy automatically smells bad no longer serves me—not just because it’s not true, but because it keeping me from relaxing into the moment of sex.
This doesn’t mean that I will indiscriminately not care about what my pussy smells like. But I want to stop obsessing about the way I smell.
I want to trust my body.
16. How much I’m masturbating per month
17. What my pubic hair looks like
18. What time of the day it is
19. Butt play
20. Multiple orgasms
Sometimes one is enough.
May I give less fucks this year.