Sex in Public: “This is what an abusive relationship looks like.”

{via, with my modifications}

I was sixteen when it happened the first time.

A bottle of vodka split between three of us. The haze of alcohol wasn’t the only thing that blinded me. It was the obsessive love I had for her.

And then I was scared. She started saying that she couldn’t live anymore. As I chased her down the block, my heart broke a little.

When she was locked herself in the bathroom. I knew what was happening. She was slicing her wrists, but too scared to get the job done.

She summoned me to bed and insisted that I get naked with her. I tried to convince her to sleep, but she wanted to fuck and no wasn’t an acceptable answer. As she forced herself on me, the gravity of the situation set in and I knew I had to get out. Though my body was heavy, I rolled out of the bed, threw my clothes on and slammed the door behind me.

Two years later, I found myself in an alley with her. I was moving to Seattle to escape our turbulent relationship. There was vodka in her cup and she was angry. Her voice was low, but the words stung just the same. Telling me how worthless I was.

She exited the alley and I followed. In another alley, she turned around, wearing a mask of remorse. Instincts told me not to trust it, but I was so shattered that I had to.

As she pulled me into her arms, her fist made contact with my head. And she fled.

The next day I faced her. Told her she was a cunt. She claimed to have done nothing wrong. I was broken.

When I returned from Seattle, I found myself living on her couch. Her loathing for me was ever-present and after her hands ended up around my throat one evening, I finally understood. This was what an abusive relationship looked like.

And yet, I still call this person my friend. Everything that I am today is a direct result of those four years of hell.

Is it wrong to be grateful for that?

Lex, Oregon

//

Sex in Public is an ongoing storytelling series devoted to uniting people through vulnerable & intimate admissions of sex & sexuality. 

© 2017 SLL / Fueled by orgasm and fierce self-care