Sex in Public: “My weight is affecting his libido.”

{via, with my modifications}

After stuttering & grasping for the right words to say, my Lover finally blurts out: “You’ve gained some weight.”

At that admission, my world stops & the walls start moving in on me.

Lover glances apprehensively my way, and after seeing that I’m not responding, he continues.

“Don’t get me wrong, babe. You’re beautiful. But your [clears throat nervously] weight is affecting my libido. It’s not that I’m not attracted to you, it’s just …”

As he continues to stumble through a shaky answer to the question that I now regretted asking (“why haven’t we had sex lately?”) painful flashbacks of past relationships reel through my mind like an old-school projector playing a family video.

There was David, who matter-of-factly informed me that if it weren’t for my long, “mixed chick” hair, no man would give me a second glance. Then there’s Jason, who cheated on me with a thin, legs-for-days beauty for so long that when I found out about it, I felt like I was the other woman.

But Lover was supposed to be different. And I was supposed to be different with him. I was finally supposed to be beautiful.

After several hours of me crying and him comforting, Lover and I moved past that night.

And though we survived that uncomfortable discussion almost eight months ago, sex has not been the same since. The cocoon of blissful safety I once felt during the throes of love-making has been replaced with feigned passion.

Instead of losing myself to fully connect physically, spiritually, emotionally, and erotically with my Lover, I am wondering if he notices the way his body causes friction against my jiggly belly during missionary, or if he is disgusted with the rolls in my back when he loves me from behind.

Being on top – and giving him a full-frontal view of my breasts and tummy – is out of the question.

I haven’t told him how that night affects me still. Faking it is so much … easier. I don’t want my beauty and sensuality to be defined by anybody other than me, but …

monèt st. claire, Los Angeles

//

Sex in Public is an ongoing storytelling series devoted to uniting people through vulnerable & intimate stories of sex & sexuality. 

© 2017 SLL / Fueled by orgasm and fierce self-care