I’m a Woman Who Enjoys Watching Porn: A Public Discourse

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[Note: This post is meant to be a non-meticulous celebration on porn as a practice of exploring one’s sexuality. The politics & ethics of pornography were purposely not touched here, as that is a whole other topic entirely. I recognize that there is bad (unethical) porn out there, but this isn’t the post to elaborate on that.]

As I was exploring masturbation & my own sensuality, I somehow managed to pay absolutely no attention to pornography.

Not just because of religious beliefs — the passage Ephesians 4:19-20 comes to mind, though it only barely hints at pornography — but because porn was seen as disgraceful (& rightfully so in many respects). In my mind, people who watched porn were dirty, troubled, & very likely suffered from sex addiction.

And then of course there was that silly stipulation that only men are visual creatures; that women don’t need porn because we can use our imaginations.

It wasn’t until I was nineteen years old that I watched my first porn film out of wanting to get past my hang-ups regarding my private & shamefully apologetic sexuality.

I found myself sitting in front of my television screen, watching lewd images flash before my eyes, wholly expecting them to incite filthy ideas in my brain. I waited for a switch inside of me to turn on that resulted in addictive behavior or some kind of sex-derived mental illness. If none of those things, I at least expected to feel ridiculously aroused, almost to the point of madness. But I was terribly disappointed to find that the film didn’t get me excited; I wasn’t even wet. The porn, elaborately titled “Someday My Prince Will Cum,” did absolutely nothing for me.

Rather than give it another go with a more appropriately named film, I chalked up the non-arousal to the idea that women weren’t visual creatures after all. Or… that I wasn’t wired in a way where gargantuan, clumsy men with intimidating penises & hairless bodies turned me on.

So I swore off porn. I made peace with the fact that I just wasn’t that type of girl.

That is… until I discovered the history folder on my browser which revealed that my husband had been frequenting pornographic websites without my knowledge.

Now, I was furious at first. I felt betrayed, repulsed, distressed. But as I scrolled through & read the dozens of URLs with explicit descriptions — “Big Bottomed Beauties,” “Two Chicks, One Dick,” “Titty Titty Gang Bang;” — I found myself becoming aroused.

My anger instantly turned into intrigue, my disgust into delight. I found myself getting excited that my husband had been viewing naughty videos on the internet; even more so when the videos he was observing were so raunchy. I began to get so worked up that I couldn’t stop myself from clicking a link. And then another one. And then another, until I was suddenly masturbating at my computer desk.

And after this paroxysm of overwhelming sexual urges, my body quivering with aftershocks of pleasure, the guilt began to settle in. I felt dirty, embarrassed, sinful, so much so that it nauseated me. I amounted my looking at others’ naked bodies as a form of infidelity against my husband, & I let that condemnation eat away at my subconscious for the rest of the day.

But despite my remorse, I almost always found myself going back to that history folder. In the mornings when my husband left for work, I would walk lightly to the computer desk & peruse through the archives of the past few days.

I’d do this for hours; filling my mind with X-rated snapshots, leaving me no choice but to jill off afterward.

This became my little morning ritual for many months. Watching pornography was my guilty pleasure.

Amidst the lustful urges, there was a sense of curiosity about pornography that I wanted to explore. Seeing an array of naked bodies, genitals, facial expressions; watching the act of sex itself performed so animalistically, so carnally; the grunting, the moaning, the iridescent, pearl-colored orgasms.

Pornography had an intrigue about it that never ceased to pique my interest. Sometimes I would watch to just observe, to take it all in, to open my mind to the licentiousness of [my] human nature.

With my frequent viewings, I came to know rather quickly the kind of porn I enjoyed & the ones did nothing for me. Any porn that was too “by the book” — the big-titted blondie flailing about on some orange-tanned man’s penis, as she’s thrown into positions that don’t even come close to hitting her clitoris, yet she’s obnoxiously boisterous about the “pleasure” she’s receiving — turned me off, as did the ones where the women were obviously not at all interested in the act itself (passive aggressive ravishment).

I realized that I had quite the affinity for girl/girl porn. Not just because of my “sexual preference” but because there is a softness & gentleness about it that is often not found in male/female porn (& this is precisely why so many women prefer it). While girl/guy porn can be a hit or miss, girl/girl never fails to get me off.

My porn preference says nothing about who I am as a person; yours most likely doesn’t either. People like what they like because they like it, & to have our identities wrapped around the kind of erotic images we gaze upon is dangerous. I believe that the porn we view has little to do with the inner workings of our personalities & more to do with raw, instinctual carnality.

We fuck, therefore we enjoy images of fucking.

Far too much emphasis is put on how much & what kind of porn we or our lovers are watching, & not enough emphasis — not enough celebration — on why it’s watched in the first place: for delicious visual stimulus.

Porn is a tool to enhance your sexual experiences (much like a sex toy), to make solo sex more inclusive, to give your mind lush images to feast on as you’re exploring your body, or to gain vivid inspiration as you’re preparing for a sack session with your lover.

Our sexualities are complex; our fondness for specific pornographic images doesn’t have to make sense. The erotica we watch (or read) shouldn’t be an absolute reflection of our sanity or how in line we are with our religion.

We are simply creatures with a very natural, very beautiful sexual appetite, an appetite that was created by god.

It would be a disservice to our sacred selves to not feed that appetite with lavish depictions of the act of sex itself.

 

I want to hear from you:

Q: What was your first porn/erotica experience like? Was is pleasurable? Was it scary? What kind of porn do you like?

© 2017 SLL / Fueled by orgasm and fierce self-care