Choose a Lipstick Hue that Matches the Color of Your Labia, & Other Sensual Suggestions


This is the best sexual advice you’ve never been given.

Use coconut oil as a lubricant.

(Yes, the oil that you cook with.) Why coconut oil? Because its pH balance is suited perfectly to your skin (& genitals); because it’s 100% natural; & because it has antifungal, antiviral, antibacterial, & antimicrobial properties (all of which help prevent yeast & other vaginal infections).

Stay away from conventional drugstore lubricants. They contain nasty silicones, plastics, & chemicals that are murderous on your natural pH level, not to mention toxic to your health. And because anything that touches the vagina goes directly into the bloodstream, you’re literally putting petroleum & parabens inside of your body (ew). Instead, go natural.

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Reader Question: Sexual Frigidity & “Pushing His Hands Away”


(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become its own article. This is one of those questions.)

“Dear Ev`Yan,

I have never had an orgasm with a guy before. I do not like guys touching my vagina. I don’t know why. I just can’t get comfortable with them touching me there. My poor boyfriend. He really doesn’t like how I push his hands away when he tries to pleasure me. I know it bothers him. I have no issues giving blow jobs and doing anything for the guy, but when it comes to me, no way.

I barely like touching myself anymore. I used to enjoy sex, and now… I barely ever get horny. It’s extremely frusterating and sad. I think my emotions are playing a decent part in this.

I’ve looked up things on the internet, I’ve read books. I enjoy porn, and that used to get me going, but not so much anymore.

Has anyone else ever had this problem?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”



Dearest Amber,

What you’re describing is, by definition, what it means to be “sexually frigid,” a term that I completely dislike but am using anyway to put a word to what it is you’re going through.

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Sex in Public: “I can’t have an orgasm with my husband.”

{via, with my modifications}

Six months ago, I cheated on my husband of nearly ten years. I cheated on him with a woman. It happened once.

This affair was my first experience sleeping with a woman. It was explosively passionate, like catching fire, like waking up screaming. I felt known, understood, and safe with her.

Friends asked me, Was sex better with her? The thing was, aside from the illicit thrill and the chemistry she and I had shared, I hadn’t had an orgasm. It had been a lot of fun, but in the end I’d had to say to her, “Don’t worry. It’s not something I can really do with other people.”

Once I’d said it to her, I became aware it was the truth. I’d never had an orgasm with my husband, either. Nor with any previous partners or one night stands. This felt like a shocking secret, sometimes more shocking than the affair itself.

I can orgasm just fine on my own. What prevents me from doing it with someone else?

During the months of therapy and conversations and figuring out our post-affair marriage (and my post-affair self), my husband and I had a lot of sex. A lot of really fun, creative, passionate sex. We’re still doing it. And I still haven’t been able to orgasm.

I don’t know what that means, or how to fix it, or whether “fixing” it is the wrong approach. Sometimes, when I realize we’ve worked so hard to get there yet again and I know it’s just not going to happen, I experience what I’ve come to think of as the “reverse orgasm,” where sex ends with a panic attack and a painful mental storm of self-recrimination, disappointment and despair.

Even though he comforts me and says all the right things, this is a moment of relative solitude. It’s just me and my orgasm, not happening. Once again. And if I cease to work on it, am I settling for less, yet again?

I know I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I know there are no simple solutions. Vulnerability and trust and belief in my self worth can’t happen overnight.

I’m not sure what the solution will be. But learning to talk about it, having the courage to write about it here and be honest about this vulnerability, is a big part of it.

Jolie, London


Sex in Public is an ongoing storytelling series devoted to uniting people through vulnerable & intimate admissions of sexuality, self-love, & body image. 

Things You’re Doing to Exhibit Self-Love… & You Don’t Even Know it

+ getting waxed
+ doctor’s checkups & pap smears
+ cat naps
+ making love / fucking
+ journaling
+ eating leafy greens & organic foods
+ slathering lotion on your body
+ buying new underthings
+ sunbathing
+ washing your back
+ painting your nails
+ masturbating
+ brunch
+ drinking a cup of tea
+ sleeping in
+ flossing
+ exfoliating
+ saying No
+ saying Yes
+ honoring yourself
+ deep breaths & yawns
+ neck rolls
+ giving in to a craving
+ crying
+ laughing
+ shampooing your hair
+ painting your nails
+ wearing your heart on your sleeve

Next time you catch yourself doing any of these things, rather than see it as part of your normal routine, shift your thoughts. Savor the idea that in this moment you are exhibiting a pure form of self-love, however simple.

Once you acknowledge it, feel the difference of the task at hand. Watch as it instantly becomes more tediously loving, more meaningful, more wholesome.

I dare you to try it.

Love is everywhere, especially the love you’re unknowingly giving yourself.

Seek, & you shall find.
Acknowledge & celebrate yourself.


Speaking of which, this summer I’ll be lending my voice at a no-cost virtual event about self-love. I’d love it if you came.

Enroll in The Self-Love Revolution, a 30-day academy of 12+ speakers (myself included) reflecting on self-consideration & healthy narcissism.

Did I mention it’s free?

Ask For What it is You Want

Your lover can’t read your mind. The waitress at your favorite cafe can’t read your mind. Your dearest, most closest friend whom you’ve known since kindergarten can’t, either.

None of these people can possibly know how you’d like to be touched, how you wish to be kissed, how you desire to be heard — really & truly heard — unless they’ve got telepathic powers. And they likely don’t. So you must tell them.

You must ask for what you want.

If you want less talk & more action, ask for it
If you want more sugar in your coffee, ask for it.
If you want to role play in the bedroom, suggest it.
If you want to be fucked harder, lighter, longer. . . tell her.
If you want your masseuse to massage a specific kink, tell him.
If you want a raise, ask for it.
If you want the trash taken out, ask for it.
If you want him to call you sweetheart, request it.

I know it seems silly (& a little remedial) to reiterate such things, but sometimes we forget that we are powerful, persuasive, that we have the ability to choose the way in which our lives are played out.

And, too, we often think that we’re not worthy of pleasure or worthy of an extra cube of sugar in our coffee; that if we were worthy, it would’ve automatically been bestowed upon us. So we see the lacking as a sign.

“Perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps it’s better this way.”

You have a voice.

Use it to ask for what it is you want.

This is key to liberation; sexual or otherwise. When you ask for what it is you want (& need) you are taking ownership of your desires.

And there’s another mantra worth remembering:

Take ownership of your desires!

Life’s too short (& far too precious) to suffer through a ill-seasoned cup of coffee; or a love-making session where your arousal isn’t present; or a relationship in which you’re never truly listened to.

You deserve to have everything you desire. You deserve a life in which you lack nothing.

So, I’ll say it one more time, for good measure:

Ask for what it is you want.

No one — no one — can read your pretty little mind.


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