I Am Not Bisexual

There are words in my language that I do not like. Words that, when said, grate on my nerves as if I had been cut open & had tiny bits of shrapnel put inside my wound.

One of these words is bisexual.

The moment I typed out that I was bisexual, I felt a jolt of energy pulsate through my body, as if I had just licked a battery, as if I had been startled by a noise outside & a million tiny hairs on my body stood on end with alertness. I could feel my breath halt for just a few seconds at the utter realization of that one truth: I am bisexual. I ruminated over this one sentence & the rest of the writing for several days after it was composed, not entirely sure if I had the guts to publish it.

And when I finally did decide to publish it, I felt that same jolt of electricity, that same zap of in-the-moment presence that accompanies any hard or exciting or scary choice I make. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It’s part exhilaration, part queasiness, part soulful elation.

I felt those three things again, coupled with that jolt of electricity, when I actually spoke the words I am bisexual to a listening ear. Only this time, the sensations that moved through my body lingered longer. It made me dizzy. I couldn’t stop wondering if I had spoken too spoke, said too much, revealed a part of me that perhaps needed to rest longer.

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Honoring the Darkness

To sit in the illumination of the sun is easy. It warms the skin, its streams are pleasant & becoming. Everyone looks like an angel when golden rays of light are peering down on them.

But to sit in darkness is difficult. To succumb to the cold, deafening silence of solitude, the misery of depression & confusion—to admit these terrors & to speak of them openly feels like a sick glorification. And there is no glory in darkness.

I sit in sunlight with abandon. I sit in darkness with shame.

When I am lightness, I am as weightless as a feather.
When I am darkness, I pierce infinite nothingness.

I do not want people to see my darkness. I do not want them to know the depths I’m capable of. But to deny that it exists within me feels like a gross disavowal of my truth. And my truth is this:

What I feel right now—& have been feeling for months—is a gnawing hunger, one that aches inside my belly as if it were ravenous & craving nourishment. It is a longing I cannot shake, an intense kind of desire to do, to feel, to experience. It is driving me mad. It is keeping me restless.

I have dreams that are wild, borderline nonsensical. I lust for things I have never experienced. I know what it is I want. I know what it looks like, what it smells like, & what it might feel like to have those experiences in my possession.

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When Self-Love Hurts the Ones You Love

As I continue to grow in my self-love practice, I have grown more accustomed to taking the subtle whispers of my longing heart seriously. I have seen the importance of honoring myself by saying No when that is the answer I wish to give, & I understand how staying in alignment with what I truly want affects my self & everything around me.

I just feel better when I stay unwaveringly true to my self. The cells in my body buzz with Yes. The cycles of my existence are perfectly synced. Life becomes full of openness, flow, & ease rather than a series of against-the-grain instances that scrape my spirit.

And there is another element that arises when I’m locked into being unwaveringly true to my self: The hard truth that I, in a deliberate attempt to live my truth, hurt the ones that I love.

Emancipations, staying home, screening phone calls, telling those how I truly feel, revealing what I truly want, creating boundaries to keep my well being protected. . . all of these things, when done with loving, conscious intention, bring about such a surge of liberation to my being.

They also create tension within my relationships.

Of course I do not intend for it to be this way. I do not wish to inflict harm or turmoil onto the ones I love. And I try to have every decision I make come from love, kindness, & grace, while respecting the delicate avenues that such a decision is built around.

But even with caution, even with keen attention to the hearts of my loved ones, even with a tone of voice that is gentle, assured, & forgiving, I will hurt them, I will disappoint them, I might even offend them.

This is inevitable. And somehow, beyond what I can readily explain. . . this is okay.

The most powerful thing I can do in this world is to be a loving, peaceful, actualized being. And honoring myself is the fastest route to these things—albeit tricky when I carefully consider someone else’s emotions & psyches.

And the truth is, it’s utterly impossible to consider everyone’s feelings as I consider my own at the same time, all the time. And at the end of the day it is not my responsibility to be a constant purveyor of happiness & contentment of those around me.

I cannot give what I do not have, & neither can you.

So when you end a relationship you are not happy in. . .
When you choose to only associate with people who will lift you higher. . .
When you switch to a raw vegan diet. . .
When you heed the urge to stay home. . .
When you decide against the big fat wedding in favor for a small civil ceremony. . .
When you tell a friend that they hurt you & you need space to deal with your emotions. . .
When you take an hour to steal away from your babies to get a pedicure. . .

Anything you do that puts your best interest at the nucleus to retain happiness, fulfillment, safety, arousal, alignment. . .

. . . Prepare yourself for darkness, for those close to you will be puzzled & annoyed. They will see your actions as a direct punishment or insult to them, & it will create in them fear & anger & sadness & discomfort.

They will not always understand your reasonings behind your expression of radical self-love. And I don’t think they’re supposed to.

But proceed with grace & anyway, & with the notion that you are the most important person in your life because you are all you have.

Give yourself the love & care & tenderness you need to continue on in your journey. Do it unapologetically, & feel proud of yourself for simultaneously balancing one of the trickiest feats of being human, that of healthy selfishness.

Dear Men: You are Not “Horny Bastards”

“[Men] . . . you are Shiva, the Divine Masculine: unperturbable, totally loving, fully present, & all-pervading.” —David Deida

You’re always horny! You just want to get in my pants. God, is sex all you ever think about? I’m not surprised that’s what you want. You’re just thinking with your other brain. Get off of me, you horny bastard! What are you trying to do, rape me? You’re such a perv!

If you’re a man, you’ve likely had these things said to you by a woman.
If you’re a woman, you’ve likely uttered these words to a man.

Men, this isn’t coming from women in bars who stand ready to throw a drink in your face.
And women, you aren’t saying these things to drunken fools making deragatory remarks.

Men, these words are coming from your wife, your girlfriend, your gal pals.
Women, you are saying this to your boyfriend, your husband, your fiancé. 

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Today: Let’s Talk Sabbaticals, Sensuality, & Self-Love

// UPDATE: You can now watch the recorded workshop here!

This past October, I took a four month hiatus from my work to turn inward. I witnessed & realized many things while in my state of quietness, & I want to share everything with you now that I’m back with fresh eyes & an open heart.

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The Importance of Lying Fallow
A Virtual Workshop
Today (3/1) @ 2pm Pacific / 5pm Eastern

I’ll be chatting candidly with you about my four month long hiatus from blogging (& why I took it), the inner journey I went on to “re-find” myself, & how you can create your own sanctuary for retreat—for now & for later.

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