Tuning Into & Honoring My Inner Voice

inner-voice

118 // chad wys

It is Monday, & I am tired.

I was kept up for most of the previous night by howling winds & pelting rains, tossing & turning & getting startled awake by gusts that shook the room & bent the trees outside. I am in a fog. I can hardly concentrate at the task at hand—what am I doing again? Oh yes, responding to emails, trying to finish that one last sentence that seems to be trapped inside of my head.

I take a swig of my day-old, now-cold coffee hoping that it’ll rattle the words out of my mind. I get nothing. I need to focus more. It’s in there, I just need to focus.

Then I hear an unexpected voice. . .

Go on & rest. You’re tired. You should take it easy today. Go on & lay down.

These words come not from my mind so much as they come from my body, my breath, my blinking, heavy eyelids. They reverberate throughout my being, echoing, resounding.

Again. . .

You should lie down. You’re tired. You need to rest.

Annoyed, I protest. Are you kidding me? But I cannot rest! It is Monday, the most adult, the most powerful & important day of the week! I have things to do! Emails to be composed, writing to be done, a kitchen to be cleaned, a shower to be had, more coffee to be warmed. . . I cannot rest! That would be absolutely irresponsible of me.

I go back to the email I am painstakingly trying to finish, watching the cursor blink, listening to rain fall, conscious of the way the light of the sun continues to peek out from behind dark clouds, then disappears once more, taking the room from glowing to blue-tinted dimness. The wind howls louder.

Once more, that voice.

Rest. You need to rest.

These words are vibrating inside of me now, making my head feel heavy, enticing me to rest my body on something soft & plush. I could ignore them again; I could go back to that damned blinking cursor & finish the words that are trying to become; I could wave my body’s urges away with continued irritation.

Instead. . . I choose to listen.

I close my laptop.

//

Self-love is not a passive thing. It is a conscious, continuous effort; it is acknowledgment, listening, honoring.

We must choose to tune in. We must choose to honor. We must choose to take away the megaphone our critical mind is holding & give it to our inner voice, our intuition.

It starts there.

Even in stillness, even in going back to bed, even in doing nothing there is proactive, responsible, caring & kind self-love.

Yes, even there.

Who I Am As A Sexual Being

golden-lady

crow woman // may hiddleston

I am playful. When I play with sexual energy, I laugh. Sexual energy, when it’s coursing through my body, makes me giggly, as if champagne bubbles live inside my belly, my heart, my yoni, & the only reaction I can muster, amidst the make out sessions & fondlings, is laughter. Sometimes it’s giggles that sound like tiny exhalations of joy, sometimes they’re bursts of elation—short, deep belly laughs. I smile a lot. I flutter my eyelashes. I nibble on ears & pinch folds of skin.

I am enamored. The way my body can fit so perfectly against my beloved’s; the way we somehow manage to sync rhythms, breaths, motions of energy; the way we unfurl & surrender at just the right moments. . . I am deeply astounded by sexual energy’s ability to unite, strengthen, quench.

I am coy. I tease, I give freely & take away, I play with & in the space between seduction & foreplay. I leave some to the imagination. The imagination is powerful, fantasies are food for sexual energy, & I like to incite fantasy. I like to play with my own power, to stretch the allurement as far it’ll go, but I also like to play with surrender, to submit to my senses, to my passions, to my lover—to give in & be taken. But for me, it first starts with coyness.

I am respectful. I choose not to force my body (or anyone else’s) to be sexual if it doesn’t want to. I deeply honor the ebbs & flows of my sexual energy; I try my best to not compromise this. It’s important to me that I express the sexual in all the ways that it can be actualized, not just in sex alone, but in my art & writing, in the way I prepare a meal, in the way that I savor & take up space in each moment. For me, acknowledging all of the sexual parts of me is profound & important.

I am boisterous. Excited. Joyous. Shameless. I make it my business to talk about sex, to herald other’s erotic lives & sexual expressions. I urge others to delight in their senses as I am delighting in mine. I instigate conversations around sex, invite people to step outside of their comfort zones—much of my work revolves around this.

I am a flaunter of my body, an exhibitionist. I like putting my sexy parts in my man’s face, giving him a taste. I like to ask for what I want. I like to go after what I want. I use my voice to express my arousal. I get pleasure from hearing unapologetic moans leave my body.

I am self-aware. Tuned in, mindful, wise. I know of my sexual prowess, my wildly erotic nature. I feel it inside of me, expressing itself in urges, desires, pangs of the heart, & I honor it by giving in, by nourishing, by holding space. I celebrate my feminine sexuality with embellishment—mascara, hairstyles, skirts, skin-tight jeans—& take pleasure in the performance. I know that my ability to fantasize, to create lavish erotic scenes in my head, further incites my sexual self-awareness. I know that I am sexual, & that this is a gift that I give of my own volition.

I am liberated. My body is my own. My orgasm is my own. My expression of the sexual is my own. My desires & arousal is my own. . . & it’s all perfect, beautiful, magnificent.

For the Woman Who Desires Freedom, Ease, & Sacredness in Sex

woman-desires

portrait of a heart // christian schloe

For more than a year, I’ve been exploring working one-on-one with women—to be a listener & advocate for other’s erotic & feminine expressions. When I was first starting to explore this work, I had very little faith in myself & was certain that my coaching practice would crash & burn.

That didn’t happen.

No, what happened instead was quite magical.

I ended up being a natural at helping women recover parts of themselves that have been lost or buried for years—parts of their sexuality, parts of their sensual expression, parts of their ability to deeply love & accept themselves as whole, erotic beings.

There were dramatic, life-altering shifts. And deep healing. And big, big releases of relief. It’s been a beautiful, profound, incredible thing to witness.

In the last year, I’ve had & fallen in love with five incredible clients. These women have worked so hard & diligently for their sexual liberation (some of them I’m still working with today). Each session I was given the honor & privilege of witnessing their blossoming, for which I am truly grateful.

And now. . . they’re leaving the proverbial nest, spreading their renewed, gorgeous wings, & emerging into the world with full awareness & possession of themselves.

And I am opening space in my coaching practice for new clients.

People call me a sex coach; others, a women’s sensual healer. As for me, I consider myself to be a sexuality doula of sorts, & I want to work with you!

Were we meant to work together? If so, here’s a glimpse of what it’ll look & feel like. . .

I will . . .

// designate a sacred time & space for you to unfurl & discover.
// be an empathetic witness & a curious explorer, eager to go deeper with you.
// call forth the Sex Goddess (or Wild Woman as she is called) longing to be expressed inside of you.

You will . . .

// be given a safe space to speak your desires from your heart.
// catch glimpses of yourself as an erotic, sensual, divinely feminine woman.
// finally feel like the sensual creature you know you’re meant to be.

We will . . .

// playfully explore all avenues of your life, not just the sexual.
// practice openness & trust.
// speak hard truths.
// follow our intuitions.
// take bold steps toward lasting & fulfilling sexual/sensual liberation.

I can see us exploring many things together, like how you can connect with your innate sensuality, how to manifest your Divine Feminine energy, & what it might be like to fully open up to your erotic potential. 

All beautiful, marvelous, incredible things!

Intrigued? Everything you need to know about working with me can be found here.

Read through the page slowly, deliberately, & carefully. I’ve written everything that you need to know in it, so be sure to soak it all in. If after reading, your heart/body/spirit seems to whisper Yesfill out an application.

> My tip: Write the application from the heart with your first thoughts. Don’t make it perfect, just let those fingers fly.

This is my life’s work. This is my soul’s purpose. This is my next chapter.

Let’s co-create together!


A sidenote to those who have applied before:
If the passion you had last summer to work me is still burning hot, please apply again. Intuition tells me that you’ve changed quite a bit in a year—as have I. I would love to get to know you again.


If you want support in your efforts towards unabashed sensual expression; if you want guidance as you go through your self-discovery journey; if you want to actualize your desires & become the erotic, sexual woman you were born to be. . .

. . . say Yes! by submitting an application.

If you have ANY questions at all, send me an email at evyan@sexloveliberation.com.

I am so, so excited at the prospect of working with you! Thank you for allowing me the space to come into this brand new purpose.

big, big love,

Ev'Yan-signature

PS: I forgot to mention that I only work with FIVE clients at a time, so if this sounds like something even remotely intriguing to you, I encourage you to apply today. I have a feeling that these five spots are going to go fast!

A Room of Your Own: How to Make a Sensual Fort

goddess-space-3

Every woman should have a place of her own, a place that is all theirs, a place that they can go to to rest, relax, regenerate. Every woman must have this space, especially the wild, sexually liberated woman, for this place is her creative cave, her love nest, her sacred sanctuary where she can retreat to create or think or rest or paint or dream.

I have such a place. I call it my Goddess Space.

I created it on the eve of my big hiatus from work; a hiatus where, when before entering, I felt disconnected, despondent, & out of sync with my self, & when I exited, I regained creative consciousness, my sense of self, & my purpose in this world.

So my Goddess Space, this room of my own, is quite powerful, I think.

Having this space of my own to retreat to has been paramount in my practices in unearthing my wildish, sensual, intuitive, feminine self. It is a a safe haven where I can retreat to & in, & shut away the rest of the world for a few moments to become one with myself.

In this space I have gemstones, dried flowers, & altars to mantras & Goddesses I hold dear. I practice my divination here, I soul collage here, I meditate & pray & journal journal here. I conduct all calls with my clients here, too, as I feel that the atmosphere harnesses my ability to “speak from between my legs & write from womb.”

I have blessed this area with my wishes & curiosity & the magic that gets conjured when I allow myself to go deep within. In my space, I have birthed ideas & poetry. I have let things burn. I have cried & laughed & sighed heavily. I have especially come face to face with the essence of my being, for this is a space that helps spur realizations of greatness & power I have within me.

I’ll say it again: I think every woman needs their own sacred space—a room, a closet, a corner, a haven.

Somewhere, anywhere, that is all theirs, where they can decorate & curate & contemplate, where they can allow themselves the freedom to unfurl & undo if they wish.

goddess-space-2

How to Create Your Own Sensual Fort

// Pick your space. Is there an area in your home that is going unused?—a closet, a blank wall, an alcove, a crawl space? Is there a room in your apartment that is more of a catch-all than anything else? Or a space where, each time you pass it you think, What I could do with this. . .? Then that is your space.

It doesn’t have to be fancy. It doesn’t even have to have a door or be in a room. It could be a spot above your dresser or a corner in your bedroom. It could even be in your basement or your attic or your laundry room. It doesn’t matter where it is, really, just as long as it can be easily transformed into your sacred space. (Bonus if it has natural light, electric sockets, & room to move around in.)

// Gather up all of your most beloved items; things that you’ve collected along the years, things that tickle your fancy & incite feelings of nostalgia, delight, & joy. Things like flower petals from bouquets, seashells from that trip you took to the ocean when you were little, the string of pearls you never wear but you’ve held onto them for some reason. Also: postcards from old friends, love notes from your beloved, a photo of yourself that captures the essence of your vibrancy & the infiniteness of your spirit; old fortunes from fortune cookies, rocks & gemstones, twigs & moss & feathers (you can never, ever go wrong with bringing in bits of nature), & more.

Don’t have any of these things? Go on a nature walk or to your favorite vintage store & hunt for things you can invest in for your special space. Be on a lookout for the things that produce a lilt in your heart, that put a smile on your face. Even if the things are small, even if to someone else having this one thing would be ridiculous, gather it anyway. Trust your heart & your first impulse when picking these things, too. The soul knows.

// Gather your creative tools. Your very best pens & barely written in journals; paints & blank canvases; colored pencils & a sketchpad; your grandfather’s old Smith & Corona & a book of poetry that inspires you. Also: magazines, clippings, glues, scissors, & a composition notebooks; beads, string, & bejeweled pendants; knitting needles, your favorite yarns, & your favorite mug for tea. Whatever you need to create, whatever you need to brainstorm, whatever it is that fans the flames of your creative genius, gather it up & get it ready to go into the space.

// Accessories. It’s time to set the mood  for your space. Go wild here with candles, incense, beloved affirmations written on post-it notes, a mirror, strings of lights, drapes, matchbooks, airplants & fresh flowers, sea glass, chocolates, pillows, a soft blanket, old perfume bottles, your favorite books, crosses, pentagrams, ankhs—whatever you desire & anything that will be a feast for the senses.

// Assemble with intention & intuition. Don’t think too much about the order of things. Assemble the space how you want to assemble it; put it together the way you want it to look. Use thumbtacks & tape to hang art or handwritten mantras on the wall. Hammer in nails so that your vision board stays put. String lights around the corners to illuminate the space & create a soft halo of light around you & all of your treasures. Hang curtains or put up a partition for privacy. Put fresh flowers in a vase & incense sticks in a mason jar.

Let the space speak for itself. Don’t put pressure on it to be perfect.

goddess-space-11

// Make an altar. By definition, an altar is a sacred place where one goes to connect to the Divine. As for me, I use altars to not only pay homage to the Divine but to honor the beautiful things that I have collected, things that hold powerful significance in where I am currently in my journey. But of course, it depends on what the altar is for. I have an altar for Isis, for Buddha, for my wellbeing, for my bedside, for my tarot readings, & for the celebration of nature.

So ask yourself, who would you like this altar (or shrine) to celebrate/worship? Perhaps you can make an altar to yourself or to your inner child. Or maybe one to your creative genius or erotic muse. There are no rules to creating an altar, just bring with you materials & keepsakes that you feel can serve as an offering (or representation) to whomever you made the altar to (for instance, if it’s for your erotic muse, a shiva lingam stone & red rose petals might resonate).

Put your items on piece of fabric or a wooden plate & lay them out just so. Light a candle. Say a prayer. Give a bow.

// Create a ritual. How do you want to enter your space? How would you like to honor the sacred area you’ve created for yourself? For me, I enter my space with comfortable clothes & bare feet. Then, I burn some sage or palo santo wood to cleanse myself & the space. If I’m doing a reading, before ever taking out my deck, I’ll light all of the candles & some incense, & then begin to center myself as I play some music that grounds me. If I’m about to soul collage, I’ll meditate or pray before diving in. But usually the act of entering the space is enough to leave me feeling ready.

You might consider creating some kind of ritual for yourself whenever you step inside, one that gives the signal that the rest of the world has fallen away for a few minutes. Rituals (routines in general) are incredibly powerful, especially when they’re done with intention.

// Rules & regulations. It’s so important that your sensual fort isn’t treated like any old space in the house. You’ve gone through great, concentrated efforts to create a blessed-by-you space. it’s important to respect it & keep it clean—both clutter-wise & energy-wise.

Some rules I have for my Goddess Space: no technology—laptops, television, video games, browsing the internet, etc. (the only thing I do allow is my cellphone, but there are boundaries in place with that); no “hanging out,” such as phone calls with friends or eating lunch inside. I also don’t allow just anyone inside of my space; I like to keep the energy clean by having me be the only person that frequents.

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Now. . . your space is created. Here are some questions to ask yourself to go even deeper:

  • How do I want this space to feel?
  • What do I want this space to represent?
  • What is the intention of this space?
  • What am I going to call it?
  • What will I do to keep my space sacred?

& a blessing for your sacred space, from me to you:

May this space be built in honor of your feminine wisdom. May it be a special safe haven for your sensual spirit to blossom.
& may you find the fullness & juiciness of yourself as you step inside.

Will you be making a sensual fort? If so, take a photograph of it via Instagram & tag it with #sensualfort. I’ll be tuning in & cheering you on.

 

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Climax-less Sex & An Invitation to Change Your Relationship to Orgasm

orgasm

arbitrary placement // hayley denham

Orgasm is great, orgasm is good, but let us take a moment to pay homage to sex sans orgasm. Because orgasm-less sex can be just as juicy, just as earth-shattering, just as heart-opening as sex with multiple body-trembling, breath-quickening climaxes.

During the time when I was pre-orgasmic—that is, unable to have orgasms during intercourse for what seemed like for the rest of forever—I read this tidbit of advice from a place I don’t remember, which said something to the tune of. . .

Sex is the prize, orgasm is just a bonus.

To this I cried bull shit.

How could orgasm possibly be a bonus? Isn’t the orgasm the reason for the sex? Don’t we go into sex because of the orgasm? I mean, what is the meaning of sex without the orgasm?

And what about blue balls? And sexual frustration, the kind that prompts road rage? But mostly. . . how can my sexuality, my sexual expression, my womanhood be legitimate without an orgasm?

It seems like the magnitude of having orgasm-less sex means & speaks to more than just not being able to get off sometimes. It’s almost as if it signifies that our sexualities are not valid, that it reflects our innermost flaws & gives hard evidence to the fact that there is something fundamentally wrong with us—our bodies, our genitalia, our selves, everything.

Except that it doesn’t. Or at least, it doesn’t have to. Perhaps orgasm-less sex doesn’t have to mean anything, & if it does mean something it just means that orgasm didn’t happen & that it is OK that it didn’t happen, & that even though it didn’t happened, nothing was taken away from the sexual experience in any way. How liberating would that be!

But before one gets to that point, I have a hunch that one needs to change their relationship to their orgasm first. Because that’s where the trouble is.

If our relationship to orgasm is full of expectation & anticipation, & then deep disappointment & resentment when our expectation is not met or our anticipation left unsatiated, well. . . orgasm is futile. Orgasm doesn’t blossom well in an expectation-anticipation-disappointment-resentment atmosphere. Mine most certainly will not.

Here, let me paint you a picture. This is what my relationship with orgasm looked like before. . .

We (my partner & I) start to make out, & my mind immediately goes to “Will this result in an orgasm?” The anticipation is there throughout every avenue of foreplay, constantly nagging me as if to say, “Yeah, yeah, all of this is good & hot & whatever, but when the orgasm comes then it’ll be real sex.”

More kissing, more petting. Still my mind is fixated on orgasm. Orgasm, orgasm, orgasm. When will I come? When will I come? Then. . . Why am I not coming?

This spurs a cycle of inner dialogue with themes of self-deprecation, deep unworthiness, despair, & hopelessness. And all of this is happening simultaneously (paradoxically) as I’m being penetrated or as I’m continuing to stroke. . . while still impatiently, begrudgingly anticipating that elusive orgasm.

Moments pass. He has either already come & is looking at my face to gauge my emotions, or my body is clenching too much to be able to go on. Then. . . tears, apologies, more hopelessness, more despair, more brokenness; bruises of black & blue all over my spirit. Dysfunctional, bitter, woe-as-me, self-abuse—all from an orgasm-less sack session.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I don’t think I have to tell you that sex is not meant to create & stir this vile pot of self-hatred, shame, & guilt. You already know this.

And here, we come back to that sage piece of wisdom I stumbled upon years ago: Sex is the prize, orgasm is just a bonus.

A lot of importance has been (& is being) put on orgasm, & in my experience, this is quite dangerous. When we begin to use orgasm as a means to quantify or validate our sexuality & sexual experience, we begin to create a great divide that separates us from the essence of what sex is about: connection. And from that great divide, from that separation, follows a disconnect from ourselves, from our pleasure, from our sensuality.

One thing is certain: orgasm has a mind, an energy, a spirit of its own, & to try to harness it with the right thoughts, techniques, & invocations is like trying to tame a wild animal.

Orgasm cannot be tamed. In order to have one, we must get out of the way of it.

So how does one begin to change their relationship to orgasm, from a place of dysfunction to one of synchronicity & ease?

They begin to notice where orgasm (or expectation of it) acts like a bulldozer in their arousal & sexual expression. They begin to broaden the definition of what sex & orgasm is, & they see that sex sans orgasm doesn’t have to mean “lack of” but just one of many expressions of sex an energy & play.

This is your sexuality, your sexual expression. You can create a sex life that nourishes you, protects you, keeps you warm & cozy, because it is yours & no one else’s. You can do the same with your relationship to orgasm.

And. . . I’m sure you’ve heard quotes like, Sing like you think no one’s listening, or Dance like no one is watching. Well, I’d like to take it a bit further for the sake of this writing:

Fuck like the orgasm doesn’t exist.

Try it. Try taking orgasm out of the equation for just one night. Try putting all of the emphasis you’ve been putting on orgasm into something else, like the ebbs & flows of energy that course through you with every touch, or the way your body heats up as it’s coming into contact with your beloved, or how a little cry of delight escapes your lips when you hit the spot.

Try that, & watch as erotic magic happens.