You Cannot Be in Your Shame & in Your Orgasm Simultaneously

Note: This post was inspired by an image I came across on Facebook. I cannot find the original owner, so I don’t want to share it on my blog (out of respect for the artist). But you can view the picture here.

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Making love or fucking under the pressure of your Critical Mind is one of the most energetically draining things we as humans partake in.

On the one hand, our body is ready to go, responding to stimulating visuals &/or passionate caresses. On the other, our Critical Mind is incessantly repeating falsehoods in our sub-conscious, making it so that we can’t even focus on the pleasure at hand.

“You aren’t worthy of pleasure.”
“Sex is dirty, sex is sinful, sex is wrong.”
“Your body is not lovable or fuckable.”
“You are not sexy.”
“You are being violated.” 

These phrases are the most common ones that enter my mind when I’m being sexually intimate or expressive. They take over my precious moments of erotic release with their hurtful, harmful sentiments, & from them, I feel nothing but shame.

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Written on August 15, 2012 in Liberation, Sex + Sexuality | 9 Comments

Sexual Energy is Creative Energy

“The artist’s experience lies so unbelievably close to the sexual. . .that the two phenomena are really just different forms of one & the same longing & bliss.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke

Sex is more than an act. It is an energy; a creative energy. This is the way it is coded inside of our bodies.

As we collide skins with our lovers, as we use our tongues to speak our carnal desires, as we play with our fantasies & boundaries, we are simultaneously co-creating with the universe. We are choreographing our legacies with spiritedness.

We should aim to play with sexual energy as creative energy like we were fingerpainting with light — joyful, lively, whimsical.

We are wild, creative, naturally succulent creatures. Our true selves come out like fervid exclamations when we are in the throes of sexual pleasure (at least they try to).

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Written on July 17, 2012 in Liberation, Sex + Sexuality | 8 Comments

An Open Letter: You Matter

I am a black, bisexual, able-bodied cis-female in a monogamous (but polycurious) partnership with a white, pansexual, able-bodied cis-male.

I have no perspective on what it means to be. . .

male
gender queer
fat
pansexual
asexual
disabled
intersexed
homosexual
a dyke
or, a trans woman/man.

But please know that. . .

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Written on July 5, 2012 in Sex + Sexuality | 26 Comments

Choose a Lipstick Hue that Matches the Color of Your Labia, & Other Sensual Suggestions

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This is the best sexual advice you’ve never been given.

Use coconut oil as a lubricant.

(Yes, the oil that you cook with.) Why coconut oil? Because its pH balance is suited perfectly to your skin (& genitals); because it’s 100% natural; & because it has antifungal, antiviral, antibacterial, & antimicrobial properties (all of which help prevent yeast & other vaginal infections).

Stay away from conventional drugstore lubricants. They contain nasty silicones, plastics, & chemicals that are murderous on your natural pH level, not to mention toxic to your health. And because anything that touches the vagina goes directly into the bloodstream, you’re literally putting petroleum & parabens inside of your body (ew). Instead, go natural.

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Written on July 3, 2012 in Liberation, Self-Love | 15 Comments

Reader Question: Sexual Frigidity & “Pushing His Hands Away”

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(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become its own article. This is one of those questions.)

“Dear Ev`Yan,

I have never had an orgasm with a guy before. I do not like guys touching my vagina. I don’t know why. I just can’t get comfortable with them touching me there. My poor boyfriend. He really doesn’t like how I push his hands away when he tries to pleasure me. I know it bothers him. I have no issues giving blow jobs and doing anything for the guy, but when it comes to me, no way.

I barely like touching myself anymore. I used to enjoy sex, and now… I barely ever get horny. It’s extremely frusterating and sad. I think my emotions are playing a decent part in this.

I’ve looked up things on the internet, I’ve read books. I enjoy porn, and that used to get me going, but not so much anymore.

Has anyone else ever had this problem?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

– Amber

 

Dearest Amber,

What you’re describing is, by definition, what it means to be “sexually frigid,” a term that I completely dislike but am using anyway to put a word to what it is you’re going through.

… continue reading ››

Written on May 24, 2012 in Reader Question, Sex + Sexuality | 9 Comments