For all of my life, since I was old enough to understand it, I’ve heard the phrase “Men are visual creatures.”
I’ve heard these four words used to justify men’s tendencies to look at other women in desire, for wishing their spouses would lose a little weight, & especially for men’s preferences in viewing pornography. There have been many males in my life that have attested to this idiom — boyfriends, guy friends, & coincidental overhearings of conversations between gruff, male strangers — but my father was the one that truly hammered this lesson into the depths of my brain.
“Be sure to ask Jonathan upfront if he’s okay with the possibility of you gaining 30 lbs. down the line,” he suggested when he found out we had gotten engaged. “Guys are visual creatures & that extra weight has the potential to ruin your marriage.”
Despite of my father’s shallow advice, I have no problem with the exclamation (even the explanation) that men are visual creatures; it’s the truth, really. Men derive sexual pleasure from being able to see & fantasize about the things that turn them on.
But what “Men are visual creatures” implies rather unfairly is that women are not visual creatures. That we are able to get off by dreaming up things in our heads; that we don’t necessarily need visual stimulation in order to get turned on because our imaginations do the job just fine.
“Guys are visual, women are whimsical.”
That belief is a crock of shit.
While it’s true that women are very good at closing their eyes & getting off by mental imagery, we are just as much visual creatures — if not more — than our male counterparts, & it’s infuriating to know that one of our five senses is being dumbed down because of our particular gender. Even more infuriating is the number of women who hide the fact that they are visual creatures by denying that they look, watch, read, & enjoy porn for fear of seeming abnormal & perhaps even a little unlady-like.
The amount of women viewing porn is growing quickly; the numbers just keep increasing, despite the fact that we remain acutely silent about it.
Just like masturbation, pornography is not very much discussed amongst women. It’s kept hidden away, never mentioned or acknowledged.
When I’m having an in depth conversation with a girl friend, for instance, neither one of us ever blurts out, “Oh, & speaking of which… I was watching this erotic film last night that really got me off. Would you like to borrow it?” It just doesn’t work this way for some reason. & if by chance porn is mentioned, it is often clothed in negativity & disgust.
Why is this?
Perhaps it’s because women have been taught in society to be the most agreeable of the genders. At a very young age, we are taught to sit with our legs closed, to keep from touching our lady bits, to shy away from overt sexuality, lest we be referred to as “whore” or “slut.” & heaven forbid that we lose our virginity to a man we will not eventually marry.
All of these things indirectly reinforce the idea that women are meant to keep their sexual impulses under control, which is the exact opposite of men, who are usually encouraged to masturbate & be openly sexual human beings. “Boys will be boys,” as they say, which is very much like the phrase “Men are visual creatures” in that it gives men an unzipped type of justification for their sexual manifestations, whereas women are expected to keep their skirts down; to stay clean, elegant, & composed.
& porn, in a lot of ways, isn’t usually any of those things.
It would be magnificent if there was an alternative approach to women & porn. That rather than porn be heavily laced with shame, embarrassment, & denial, women were able to rejoice in the awareness that we are fully carnal human beings & that that is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could speak just as openly about our relationship troubles to our girl friends as we can about the things that turn us on visually, that being porn? Wouldn’t it be absolutely freeing to be rid of the guilt that often comes with getting off?
So, we need to talk about this more — to our partners, to our girl friends, to our close family members — if only to perpetuate the fact that we are wonderfully erotic; that we are visual creatures, too, & that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. & when we do talk about porn, it should be entangled with positivity & confidence. It needs to provoke feelings of pride, rather than embarrassment.
I encourage you to give yourself permission to explore yourself as a visually human being. Come clean about your very natural porn habit & inspire others to be just as open. If you can’t do that, then at least acknowledge that you are a woman who enjoys an erotic film or sexy story every so often.
I’ll personally be doing all that & more as Lady Porn Day progresses.
The moment we decide to change our mindset around pornography is the moment we rise above & empower ourselves.
— — — —
I’m curious to hear about what you think about all of this:
Why do you think we, as women, shy away from admitting openly that we view (& enjoy) porn? & if you’re a woman who doesn’t watch porn, what is your reasoning behind that? Religious beliefs? Personal preference? Feeling apologetic for indulging in it?
Spill your thoughts in the comments section below.
I’ve always been really open and candid about my sexuality and I tend to attract the kind of friends who are very similar to me in that way. So porn has definitely come up in conversation multiple times in even the last year.
That being said, I try to limit my viewing of porn. I feel a lot of porn is very degrading to women. You see women get treated like strange fuck-dolls who gets slapped and tossed around, sometimes even violently. To finish of the misogynist message, you have a man cum on a woman’s face at the climax/end of the film. The woman’s pleasure is rarely ever the main attraction.
I know there is feminist porn or women centered porn, but I have yet to find it/don’t want to pay for it.
Jessica,
I can absolutely understand your sentiments regarding porn degrading women. I personally don’t think that porn immanently degrades or exploits women. Often, the girls who are featured to do these films do them willingly & with much enthusiasm. So it’s really a bit unfair to classify a particular porno as “degrading to women” if the guy blows his load on the girl’s face. I’m sure that there are numerous amount of porn videos where the woman *feels* degraded… but we’d never know as the viewer; we, unfortunately, can’t read people’s minds.
HOWEVER, I believe what you’re really saying is that the majority of the porn out there is made for men in mind, thus the visions of women getting “slapped & tossed around.” It’s a style of porn that is really unbalanced, because it’s being represented that ALL men like seeing these images, which I don’t think is true.
I know that there is porn out there that is made specifically for other mindsets, ones that are less brutal & misogynistic. It’s just about exploring your options. It’s a grueling process, but once you find it you’ll thank yourself for taking the time. :]
Thanks for your comment!
Do you actually do research? Or is this a blog where you are just expressing your opinions?
I think you should take a womens sexuality class, they get into all aspects of the porn industry and women in the industry. I highly recommend it, I think you would really enjoy it, its incredibly fascinating and it seems to be right up your ally.
Here are some books I’d recommend reading:
Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. Our Bodies Ourselves for the New Century. Abbreviated “OBOS” below.
Alexa Albert. Brothel: Mustang Ranch and Its Women. Ballantine. 0449006581 $15
Lynn M. Phillips. Flirting with Danger. NYU Press.
Also, there are some great movies out there on feminist porn.
Great post, hope to see a new one soon! :)
Oops, I pasted it off my old class syllabus so sorry if some things in the book list don’t make sense.
Hi Arianna,
For this blog post in general, I didn’t do any research, just wrote my opinions off of things I already knew. But I would LOVE to be involved in a women’s sexuality class! This topic truly fascinates me, especially since I’m in the phase of self-discovery within my sexuality.
Thanks so much for the recommendations!
I’m extremely open about my sexuality but I’m often labeled by my peers as a “samantha”(sex in the city) or a “Lynn”(girlfriend) which infuriates me that I have to be compared to fictitious characters for them to identify. I think I’m more anguished by the fact that these woman are portrayed as promiscuous creatures that if the roles were meant to empower women to explore their sexuality, the message is lost in fear that they will be labeled as whores. Furthermore,I’m far from promiscuous. Some women are very comfortable with the “rules” society has constructed for them which is sad… Where is the living in that?
I’m conflicted when it comes to porn. Like Jessica, I come at it from an academic point of view… as a women’s studies major in undergrad, I studied the feminist porn wars and found myself agreeing with both sides. As a third waver, I tend to think that if you dig it, more power to you. If you don’t, I understand, too. As for me, I’ve never really gotten into it. I like erotic literature on occasion but it tends to be so… gender specific. Like, guy fucks girl, girl likes it. I mean, isn’t there more to it than that? Isn’t there some give and take, some play, some laughter involved in making love? So I guess I shy away from porn because it doesn’t seem realistic and I’m afraid that what I might watch is going to be degrading. Additionally, I find bodily fluids disgusting.
(Also, the deal with visual rhetoric that Jessica is touching on is not concerned with how the message was intended rather how it is received. Therefore, if I find it degrading, then that’s that– even if it was intended to be feminist-friendly, doesn’t matter, the message failed.)
Lastly, if you want to learn more about the male gaze, read Laura Mulvey’s “Visual Pleasure and the Narrative Cinema” (1975). It delineates how the movie industry uses the camera as a male eye to objectify women. This theory complicates everything about porn.
Great read! I remember calling one of my girls one night, and she sounded really distant on the phone. I kept asking her if she was okay and then she finally blurted out that she had been watching porn and that I should politely excuse her. I found it hilarious that she outright said it; I’ve never had a female friend admit to enjoying porn. However, I didn’t see it as dirty. I mean we’re all human beings and we’re turned on by sight.
The reason why I never got into watching it myself isn’t because of my Christianity. Honestly, the thought never crosses my mind. Perhaps, in the future, I will be curious. But as of now, it really doesn’t interest me in the least. The closest thing to porn that I’ve seen is a documentary on the industry or perhaps even the L word as the sex scenes are pretty graphic (of course not as much as porn and the drama in that show is amazing!). And I did also catch my older brother watching the late night scrambled porn on television when we were kids. I stood there for a good minute, trying to decipher the images before me and then it hit me…;)
I think if more women came out and said that they did watch porn unabashedly then this whole “stigma” would have a fighting chance of disappearing.
My sexual partners always told me that I “dig in” like a man : exactly because I love the visual part of doing it. Yes, I’m that kind of woman that do it with the light on :) (Maybe its because I feel confortable with my body or maybe because I feel confortable with my sexuality…thanks to masturbation!)
Well…I admit, I like porn. Since…i discovered sex ! I like the fact that I can imagine myself in those situations and often I think about it while im doing sex…
Im aware that most of the porno are “for guys” bt…not all of them ! Its very funny to open your mind to that kind of view…’cause EVERY WOMAN HAVE A LITTLE DEVIL INSIDE :) we have feed him sometimes !!!
Loving the ladypornday :)
I’m very torn on the issue of degradation and porn, because I think we’re using the word ‘degradation’ in a very Judeo-Christian way. I would prefer to say that porn simplifies the object of desire. It reduces it to something that engages and stimulates our sexual imagination. It doesn’t represent the object of desire as a complete and contextually sound being, but then neither does any piece of advertising.
Furthermore, it doesn’t just simplify the object of desire, it simplifies the desirer also. Because porn that works for us invites us into the sexual space, to imagine being a part of it. Not as mother, scholar, intellectual, but simply as someone with a sexual itch to scratch.
The question is…is this wrong? If it’s wrong, then it is not just porn we should be objecting too, but anything that reduces the depth and wholeness of an individual. So there go the ads for Pepsi and Head & Shoulders and Burger King too, where we’re reduced to drinkers, washers of hair, and eaters.
Certainly porn is consumerist – we devour with the eye and use it to arouse ourselves. But we do that with Vogue also. Why is the fact that porn is sexually reductive more offensive that all the other ways in which we reduce each other?
I guess my point is, it’s very hard to be objective about porn when we still, as a culture, have serious problems with sex. And until we can discuss sex without shame, we’re never going to get to the bottom of how society reads the pornographic.
I watch porn. There is a wide range of pornography. Some of it is just professionals, with people having sex for money. Some is quite abusive, taking advantage of women whom because of poverty have no other choice. There is some degrading porn, true. (Want to talk degrading? Visit the red-district in Amsterdam.) But most porn stars are highly confident in their sexuality and do this of their own free will.
I personally love female-friendy, Playgirl type of erotic movies. I don’t need to see a close up of every sexual organ and I hate obnoxious screeching and moaning. Watching sexy quality porn for me, is very stimulating and arousing. I’ve admitted watching porn to close girl friends (usually a little mellowed out by alcohol.)
I’ve noticed that even though I might get a little shy, I’m open to talking about my sexuality with friends and people my own age. We don’t discuss everything in detail, but we do talk about sex. Not as raunchy as boys do, but we do. The Sex & the City effect maybe?
F. <3
i watch a LOT of porn. i even watch it on my phone. i have no problem admitting it or talking about it with whoever.
“Men are visual” is also a stupid axiom because not all men are visual. And it can make those who aren’t feel very deficient as men! Porn absolutely grosses me out. I don’t want to see a strange woman’s open vagina. I don’t want to see another man’s semen all over her face. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn as long as everyone involved is being paid well; I just personally can’t stomach the sight of it. I love having sex. I love reading about sex. I love writing about sex. I just don’t enjoy watching other people have sex. BUT I can’t really be sure if this is my lack of visual stimulation or the porn industry’s lack of people I am attracted to. Maybe I could enjoy watching some scruffy hippies fuck in the back of an old VW bus. But big-boobed blonds and buzz-cut muscle men will never get me going.
My point being that it’s just stupid in general to make any pronouncement about who loves what when it comes to gender and sexuality. People enjoy what they personally enjoy. There shouldn’t be pressure on either side to enjoy or not enjoy something just because everyone else is enjoying or not enjoying it.
I really appreciate hearing your point of view on this, Chase.
You are so right: some men *aren’t* visual creatures at all, & I’m sure they are ostracized for not liking pornography. It’s definitely not for everyone, guys included. Your comment was great because it reminded me of that.
I’d be interested to find out if your reasons for not liking porn involve the porn itself or the concept of it. Because I, like you, don’t get off on watching blonde, silicon-titted women feigning outcries of pleasure while grinding on gruff, seemingly apathetic men. BUT… there is porn out there that I like that somehow hits the spot without those things.
Based on your quick description of what you might like, perhaps you might enjoy the website ifeelmyself.com. :] & if not, that’s okay! But it’s definitely worth looking into if you’re at all curious.
Thanks for the comment!
I happen to be against porn on ever level. I find it degrading to women and men alike. I find that the industry that makes billions a year while civil rights and education plummet. Also I do not allow it within my home. However I understand that others enjoy it and find it stimulating both visually and audibly. My fiancee uses the phrase “men are visual” almost daily however I notice I am more aroused when I simply flex my mental muscle. I can dream up something better than any one could imitate in a porno. I often feel sorry for men for needing to see something when the mind is so more powerful. When just a word can trigger something so raw and sensual in me that at times my lover goes wild. When asks where it came from I simply state whatever he said. I hope no one takes this too personal. It is simply my point of view and my way.
Hello, Tyne.
I very much appreciate your honesty here about why you do not like porn. I didn’t take your words personally in a way that I was offended. You expressed yourself very well. :]
You make a very powerful & valid statement about the mind being a powerful thing. But you needn’t feel sorry for the men/women who insist upon needing/using porn as a form of sex play. They don’t feel sorry for themselves! They are often just as content with their sex lives as you are with your own. What’s beautiful about this world is that we are all so different, so unique, but we all want one thing: pleasure. Your way of doing it might be different from mine… but it doesn’t make it any less valid, & vice versa.
I encourage you to keep an open mind about porn; not in the content but in the way it is used. & remember too that people who use & enjoy porn aren’t unimaginative or untalented when it comes to mental fantasies.
Thanks for your comment, love.
I feel like pornography has been turned into something it should not be. Women and men both feel uncomfortable about it (though, obviously, men are more open about the habit). I feel like the very fact that women are not consumers of pornography may have something to do with the degrading depictions of women within it. Pornography is not consumed, by and large, by men with happy and active sexual lives. I would not be surprised to discover that the bitterness of many viewers leads producers to some of their more extreme tropes.
I am personally saddened by how divorced from their sexuality many women are, and by the hyper-sexualization of men. Women should be comfortable with their bodies, their urges, and their feelings. Men should be able to have a conversation about women that does not involve some form of penetration. Balance between the sexes when it comes to sex would do a lot for gender roles in our society.
I do think things are changing. As you point out, women’s consumption of pornography is increasing. Women I know seem more comfortable with their sexuality, neither repressing nor exaggerating it. Things have quite a ways to go, but things are improving. Sex is a beautiful part of life, and everyone should be comfortable with its role in their lives.
I can see both sides of this debate. I dislike porn. I also dislike seeing naked people in that context, so needless to say that I am uncomfortable with porn. As a Passion Consultant, I have many customers that are ok with porn and who watch it on their own. I feel that the images of women being manhandled and treated like a piece of meat are sickening. I don’t enjoy seeing women being degraded, it actually makes me angry. We wonder why men treat women like playthings there for their enjoyment. As far as men being visual, they are in a sense but it seems that that fact is being used as an excuse for poor judgement and a whorish mentality. We need to stop making excuses, and better yet, we could just not do it. Porn only exist because women are willing to be in them.
I only recently started watching porn when my ex-boyfriend clued me in on some websites where you can watch things for free (I never wanted to search on my own because I was afraid of what I’d find). That was about three years ago. Before that, however, I was a big fan of erotic stories.
Although I can see how classifying all men as visual and all women as whimsical is wrong, it is rooted in some sort of valid point. Guys I have spoken to about it (they are always more open to talking about it and hearing a woman’s perspective) say that they usually find it difficult to just think about something – it works better for them to see it. In my own experience, I know that I’m capable of getting off just as well on something I pictured in my head as from something I watched or read.
My only problem is that I feel it tends to provide an unrealistic portrayal of sex (or at least the “typical” porn videos you see on the internet). That’s just in my experience, though – my ex-boyfriend would often try something he saw in a video because the girl seemed to love it, not realizing there was a fair amount of acting involved. It often took a couple of conversations for me to get the point across that it wasn’t doing anything for me. It’s mostly the excessive moaning and groaning that happens in “typical” porn videos. I understand that some women make noise and some don’t, but it seems to be very dramatic and misleading – almost like, you’re not really enjoying it unless you’re making a lot of noise and are breathing heavily.
Basically, every person is different so everyone is going to have different tastes in terms of watching or not watching, as well as in what type of porn they like. As long as those involved in making pornography are not being abused, it’s A-okay in my book.
I’m not sure why there is such a stigma around porn and women. The majority of porn we have access to is being put together by people who want to make it…so, I don’t really make the connection that it is degrading. It can be gross, but there is also a lot of it that is really sensual, gentle, and sexy.
I remember seeing sexual scenes in movies at a young (teen-ish) age and being like, hmmmmm, THAT’S a new feeling….so, I was curious about it, and have been exploring it ever since. I’ve gone through phases where I’ve enjoyed erotic literature way more, or videos way more. I have never really felt ashamed about it, mostly the opposite. I enjoyed telling people that I watched porn, and was curious to quiz my boyfriends about what it was that they enjoyed in porn. I don’t know what it’s like to be a guy, so, I want to know what it is like to see it from their view.
Now, my boyfriend actually works in the porn industry (not like, in movies or anything), and we basically have access to anything we want. I sometimes wonder if seeing porn all the time does make people have unrealistic expectations…but when I discuss it with him, he assures me that it does not. He assures me that he, in no way, expects our sex life to replicate what he sees on screen, nor, expects me to look like those actresses.
The biggest issues I’ve had in the past were with those concerns. That he would want me to act/look that way…and I don’t, at all. We talk about it at great length, and I’m so happy to have access to someone who is very open about this stuff with me. We have different tastes, he tends to like the more graphic stuff, while I enjoy the gentler, more coy videos.
We watch porn together, which now is usually the only time I watch it. We’ll just put on a video sometimes, and let it get us both in the mood, before we head to the bedroom. It is amazing foreplay. :)
It is definitely a societal thing that women don’t speak of sex, porn, or masturbation the way that men do. My friends are primarily guys, and in my experienced, they were shocked (and even a few were offended) when I chimed in on a discussion of favorite porn sites. It had never crossed their minds that “normal” women watch porn.
I firmly believe that in order to be a better lover, you have to know what gets you off first. And being a confident in the bedroom is intimidating to some men. It definitely bothered my ex-husband.
As far as being visual creatures, I really think its a personality thing. My ex and I are both visual people by nature (we’re both artists) and so we also desired visual stimulation. My fiance, however, is not – sounds really turn him on. When a man uses being a “visual creature” as an excuse to oggle, he’s just feeding you a line of crap.
I have this FEAR that God or some entity is watching me and frowning so Im scared to touch myself or watch porn, but i’d like to..
Nikki, I have a feeling that if “God or some entity” is watching you, he/she is glad that you are expressing a part of you that is natural & beautiful. :]
Interesting read.
I’m not afraid to openly admit I watch porn but would not spout on about unless directly asked.
I’m not ashamed to admit I watch pornography on a weekly basis but unfortunately my boyfriend does not share my interest and somehow find this more enjoyable. It’s not that I lack the mental ability to arouse myself without a visual stimuli but I sort of like the naughtiness that is associated with the idea of a woman indulging and enjoying porn.
Like you said, there is a serious taboo with the idea of women appreciating porn and it needs to addressed. I think it’s partly due to the conservative agendas we are raised by and that sort of psychological conditioning is really hard to shake out of most of us.
TS
Thank you for this. I’m still getting over the absurd “sexual messages” I somehow absorbed growing up–sex is something you do for a man, if you have too many partners you’re a slut, your needs are not important, etc. I like that I now can use this site as a resource to engage about something I’m still somewhat uncomfortable thinking about.
On the porn question–I personally have never liked the jarring directness of most porn, preferring an ultra erotic movie instead. This is possibly also because most porn is directed towards men and their desires. I do think women don’t talk about it half because of societal pressures and half because of personal nerves and preference. Women seem more private about their sex lives, but are they really or is that another construct?
I don’t have an issue with the idea of porn itself, but I feel like a lot of mainstream porn has questionable ethics, honestly. Not only in the way women are depicted, but you don’t know just how enthusiastic any of the participants are. (If anyone wants to read more about that, try looking up that “They shoot porn stars, don’t they?” essay, with a big trigger warning on it.) Personally, I don’t want to see someone having sex who isn’t incredibly enthusiastic about it.
Aside from that, I just feel like most mainstream porn I’ve seen is so wildly unsexy. I don’t know how anyone could get off on it – it’s just all so obviously FAKE.
Because of that, I’ve preferred written erotica for the vast majority of my sexual explorations. It’s so much easier and I know I won’t be sitting there thinking “Oh come on, she is SO faking it.” I’m intending to look into some indie companies too, but since I’m not really aching for the lack of porn in my life, it keeps getting put off. The CJ Wright dude that Kelly wrote about in her lady porn day posts sounds like he makes some pretty all right porn.
Michelle,
That is precisely why I watch mainly amateur porn films because they are often raw, unrehearsed, & just feel real. There’s a certain [sexual] energy that comes through the screen that mainstream porn can’t touch.
Ugh, but there’s nothing worse than cheesy, obviously fake porn. ;/
It is a rare and wonderful occasion when a female friend of mine cops to watching porn. When it happens, I’m thoroughly delighted. The stifling veil of piety lifts and we can finally talk about this section of our humanity— the only section continually withheld from our otherwise thorough girl-tawk life reports. Getting off = giving yourself some much-deserved TLC, and like plenty (though I suspect not enough) women, I’m ready to rumble so long as the right video/literature/movie/photo strikes my fancy. The trouble is finding the good stuff on demand.
There’s too much crap in the pornosphere- too many close-ups on sexual organs and silicon and fake o-faces. Too many cheap thrills catered to the unimaginative masturbating male. Women are indeed visual creatures, but we are visual creatures who usually bring our intellect along with us for the dirty ride. I know there must be porn collections which cater to the intelligent sensual, but I don’t know of many. Women aren’t talking about porn, which means they’re not sharing the wealth of porn that actually gets them off. There is a very limited flow in the exchange of horny-woman-approved pornography, and it’s more than a little sad. Ladies- share your erotica, spread orgasmic bliss.
I absolutely adore what you’ve got going on here, Ev`Yan. I’m so excited to see how this space grows. Are you thinking of housing a liberated-lady-approved link collection/resource for hot, smart & awesome porn? I can’t think of a better place to come explore the dirty dirty than a space named Sex, Love & Liberation.
moon-sized hugs,
Cassie
Cassie, I think your comment made me fall in love with you a little bit. ;]
Everything you say here is so true; especially the part about how women take our intellect with us while viewing porn. This, I’m sure, explains why some women just can’t seem to get turned on while watching porn. That makes so much sense!
Also… I did plan on sharing some links & recommendations for the things that turn me on & get me off. Perhaps I’ll do that tomorrow. ;]
Thank you so much for your comment. You’re welcome here anytime!
Hi Ev`Yan,
Just discovered your blog(s) as linked from RabbitWrite and can I just say, I think I’m a little bit in love =)
I’ve only been able to talk about porn with some of my close/less “uptight” girlfriends, and even then, it’s usually with a blush and some eye-averted hesitation. Though if asked, I’m proud to say I enjoy porn, I still feel like I fall under the shadowy stereotype of “porn-watching hussy.” I launched a Tumblr to explore my tastes and share my stories in an anonymous way, and I’m hoping someday to be as brave as you and come right out in the open with it.
On the topic of taste, I thought I’d point you to one of my posts from last year. It’s a cry of frustration at porn from a woman’s perspective.
http://betweenthepages.tumblr.com/post/230498650/notes-on-porn
Looking forward to reading more!
J.
“Often, the girls who are featured to do these films do them willingly & with much enthusiasm.”
fact or opinion? to say girls are “willing” is a bit of a superficial understanding. i’ve worked with many girls trying to get out of the industry (moreso in a legal capacity though) and a lot of the girls expressed just because they did the films from their own free will, they felt it was a way of dealing with other demons (child sexual assault, neglect, drug problems etc.).
im sure there are women out there who derive pleasure being involved with porn and have rationally and autonomously chosen to be in porn, but given the fact that so many women who are involved in the worldwide pornography business ARE either (a) not given a choice, and roped into it via trafficking or abuse, often underage, (b) not protected enough medically or psychologically, and (c) suffer from underlying issues as to why they’re okay with having sex on camera for money.. i’d personally rather not support the industry. unless they’re “famous”, how can you tell what kind of actress is on the screen? it is interesting that one women’s sexual liberation could be another’s oppression.
each to their own though.
Serious and controversial discussion. I believe Porn in its current state, from North American perspective is very much male oriented. I watched porn out of curiosity in my teens when I discovered my brother had them and it was one of the most boring, mechanical and degrading misfortune I wasted my time on. If I had to rely on porn to imagine or enjoy sexual pleasure, it will be a great disappointment. Studies on sexuality and women have shown that increase in viewing porn among our age group or even younger ones do not lead to satisfied sex life. In fact, less than 59% of American women orgasm during intercourse. So, perhaps what we need is not so much fake orgasm in Porn and the delusional image it projects about female sexuality, rather more erotic literature/art and exploring our natural gift: imagination and one on one connection with your partner.
When people say men are visual creatures, I think they mean men stare @ anything that moves….in this case any woman or man who looks remotely healthy and attractive. It does not address the fact that women are more imaginative and visual in their mind and outlook on life. Hell, we build complete fantasies by simple idea or image.
Lastly, female version of porn is fictional romance. While men spends $$ on hardcore porn, women spend it on harlequin romance and its more erotic version. Heck, the romance industry is $200 million a yr because of female readership. So, I say to each his/her own porn.
A few months ago I had a simular conversation with a male friend/ coworker of mine. I won’t get into that but I admitted that I didn’t find anything wrong with watching porn and yes when the mood strikes I do indulge occasionally. However I have to say this, I think the porn industry is geared toward men, I think the things that happen in most P flicks are not necessairly what women want or enjoy. Most women aren’t ready an eager with their legs up in the air waiting to be pumped furiously,women need to be stimulated and also respected, sadly that doesn’t happen to often in Porn flicks. I think mothers need to talk to their sons starting fron an early age about what women really want, maybe if we did that all of our experiences would be alot petty, instead of so taboo because sadly many men learn sex from porn.
I must agree with your father, and this is from my experience, that men are visual creatures. Every man is not into porn, but from what I’ve experiened, men are more visual than us, and always open/down for the “new and improved”. But maybe I’ve just run across the wrong guys all these years. I don’t know.
Have you heard Timothy Bloom’s ‘Til the end of time’ ? It’s absolutely gorgeous and had to let someone know!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctaFP8DQ5W8
i agree with most of the comments here. as someone who discovered porn and my subsequent sexuality early, i also noticed that the love making experience on these “films” were not as flowery as i imagined them to be. mostly, the men were ramming themselves into any open and available orafice for his pleasure, almost completely ignoring the (dis)pleasure of his partner. but, i liked my new found voyeurism and explored different types of porn until i found one that completely appealed to my visual needs. and i settled on lesbian porn. this puzzles my friends, because i am heterosexual and have very little interest in bedding another woman. but, what i found was that this area of porn really focuses on female satisfaction more times than not. granted, the authenticity of lesbianism involved is shaky at best, but as a heterosexual woman looking on, this matters little. and, considering the alternative, where the female orgasm isn’t focused on or is completely disregarded in favor of the cum shot to the face, i think i’m good.
I’m a woman. I feel that as a woman, I’m expected to be very discreet and secretive about my sexual desires most of the time, because, I’m told that it’s very rude to do things that could encourage people to overestimate my willingness to engage in sexual behavior. I don’t feel comfortable discussing my use of porn, unless I’m not the initiator of discussion of it, because almost everyone I trust thinks it’s an unseemly menace to society. I don’t like porn, because I believe it’s too often degrading to women, and because I think porn plays a major role in the fact that human trafficking for sexual exploitation has dramatically increased. I don’t use porn for anything other than research, because nothing visual can turn me on sexually (even though I have near-perfect vision), unless it’s the body and character of a man with whom I think I have a very good relationship. Because I’ve never been a heterosexual, per se, my inability to be a visual creature in the ways people would expect it of me used to make me feel isolated among the more visual people who were, in some way, at phases of life that were similar to mine.
Men and women are visual in different ways. Most women I know don’t USE visual…visual is just one facet of what gets them going, what moves them…other parts of Sex are more important to them….for many men it becomes the whole…just happens.
when i was young Playboy was still mysterious and a discovery. the women were Beautiful….
today there is no mystery and women are more Objectified than ever.
a recent Atlantic Monthy essay on internet porn summed it up nicely when it descibed ALL REAL SEX as being about Vulnerability and Indifference.
The Last Tango in Paris was solely about those 2 things. It was considered pornographic, but it was really about what happens with sex. The fears. The wonder. Limits. The movie seems quaint by todays standards.
99.9% porn is flat, one dimensional and can never enhance our lives. If porn did not exist would our lives be less? No.
Finally, a woman wants to FEEL she is the most important woman in the room when she is with a man (or woman) she loves and cares for.
Porn can never make a woman FEEL she is the most important person in the room.
I’m finally sitting down to read your new blog here, starting from the beginning…love it, love it.
I appreciate everyone’s varying viewpoints on the porn issue. I, personally, can’t stand a lot of it. It has nothing with religion or even finding it degrading. There are many women in the porn industry (which is a wide reaching industry, there’s something for anyone who is visual or enjoys watching) that will tell you they do it because they enjoy it. I actually really like one porn star, Sasha Grey, who I really like (even though I don’t watch her stuff) & she has made statements saying she finds what she does empowering for women because it’s exploring certain avenues of sexuality.
I’m not even sure why exactly porn turns me off, I really enjoy a lot of erotica & my vibrator is one of my best friends. I do think it has something to do with my need for a connection with someone for sexual arousal, which doesn’t come across in porn. Hell, even when I go the solo sex route it just increases my desire for a duet immediately.
Can’t wait to keep reading, just wanted to pause to weigh in. ;)
To all those who say porn is degrading to women… I’m a straight female, but I definitely enjoy lesbian porn. I think it tends to be more gentle and loving. It also tends to be more 2-sided. I do watch straight porn, but sometimes I get sick of seeing a man shove a woman’s head down on his penis so hard that she gags with every thrust. No thank you. :)
My problem with porn is that I always feel guilty after I watch it. I’m sure this has to do with my Christian upbringing and the fact that I truly do believe sex was created for a husband and wife to share. but then again, isn’t it better that I watch porn as opposed to sleeping with every man I see?