Dear Men: You are Not “Horny Bastards”

“[Men] . . . you are Shiva, the Divine Masculine: unperturbable, totally loving, fully present, & all-pervading.” —David Deida

You’re always horny! You just want to get in my pants. God, is sex all you ever think about? I’m not surprised that’s what you want. You’re just thinking with your other brain. Get off of me, you horny bastard! What are you trying to do, rape me? You’re such a perv!

If you’re a man, you’ve likely had these things said to you by a woman.
If you’re a woman, you’ve likely uttered these words to a man.

Men, this isn’t coming from women in bars who stand ready to throw a drink in your face.
And women, you aren’t saying these things to drunken fools making deragatory remarks.

Men, these words are coming from your wife, your girlfriend, your gal pals.
Women, you are saying this to your boyfriend, your husband, your fiancé. 

Of course there are men who deserve this kind of admonishment.

But this writing isn’t for them.

This writing is for the men who hear the above statements & have done nothing to earn them, for they are in the process of being their natural, sensual selves. . . & their partners do not honor them in this way.

On the contrary, your female partner transforms the well-meaning expressions of your male sexuality into vulgarities, & suddenly their tongues become knives that slice their way into your sexual center, telling you that you are a monster, a nasty sex fiend. . . with a joking tone & a smile on their face.

Oh, how I am guilty of this.

Men, there is something you should know. . .

As women, we’ve been taught to see you (& your sexual nature) as threats to our womanhood, to our virginity, to our own erotic nature. Because of this, we view the majority of you as “horn-dogs” to keep ourselves protected from your overt (& sometimes forceful) sexual natures—& rightfully so.

Rape is so prevalent in our culture that we’re constantly on guard from the lot of you & your possible intentions. We stay on the defensive from you to ward off broken hearts & unwanted pregnancies—amongst other things.

I’m sure—I hope—you understand.

But all of these things cannot (& should not) justify the harsh words we—your girlfriends, your wives, your fiancées, your dearest friends—subject you to in response to your masculine sexuality & arousal.

I can’t help but wonder how many of you are walking around on this planet believing our words—that they are perverts, that their arousal & desires for us is “nasty.” My heart breaks as it tries to wrap itself around the number, a number I have expanded with my own gross misinterpretations of the expression of masculine sexuality.

I take full responsibility for the part I have played in shaming you.

But especially to my man: I am sorry.

Which brings me to my sisters. . .

Women, we must understand that our words cut deep in the hearts & sexual centers of men.

When we say things like this—even if we do so with a playful inflection in our voices—we diminish our beloved’s sexual expression & shame them. This leaves them believing that their sexuality is not valued by us, that we don’t take it seriously. That, in fact, we perceive their sexual identities as a sickness.

Men are not void of feeling. When they hear these strong words in reference to their sexuality—Molester, Pervert, Bastard—they begin to associate their sexual selves with that of molesters & perverts. How could they not? We are only reiterating falsehoods they have heard over & over in the course of their personal history—from past lovers, from media, & from culture.

Except that when it comes from us, their trusted lovers & companions, it hurts much worse.

One thing that I don’t think we can fully comprehend is that men are exquisitely sensitive creatures. They are sensual, passionate. They know & appreciate beauty; they feel & understand pain. We are not so very different from men as we’ve been conditioned to think. What hurts us, will hurt them. And if you think otherwise, try taking the playful inflection out of your voice & replace it with a curt, belittling one as you call him a horny bastard.

Women, it is a harsh double standard to expect that our sexual expressions should be treated with respect by our men when we are directly inflicting shame onto their sexual lives with hurtful words & snide labels.

We must hold up our brothers in the same way we hold up our sisters. We must stay conscious of the way we treat our beloveds & the manner in which we respond to their masculine arousal.

We must remind ourselves that just because his expression doesn’t match our own, that doesn’t make his wrong. He has desires as we do, & he wishes to actualize them the same way we wish to.

Women, please validate your man’s sexuality/sensuality. Honor it by acknowledging that it exists. Give him the space he deserves to blossom & move freely in his sexual expression. And if you are simply not in the mood, say so without admonishment or cheap, hyperbolic exclamations.

Men, I promise to try harder. I promise to hold space for you as a sister, as a lover, as a friend. I promise to honor your masculine sexuality & sensual expression with the understanding that it is important & worthy of respect.

 

Take it a step further. . .

Women: Share this post with the man in your life. Ask forgiveness if you’ve ever demeaned or invalidated his sexual expression or arousal.

Men: Share this post with the woman in your life. If you’ve been hurt by the things she has said to you about your desires in the past, use this post a vehicle to relay that message.

The moment we acknowledge is the moment we begin to heal.

© 2017 SLL / Fueled by orgasm and fierce self-care