Last week, I completed the Intermediate I level at my pole class.
My last class was joyous & light-hearted. There was an excitement in the air for having completed a strenuous, transitional level, which prompted a palpable kind of confidence as we did moves we didn’t think we could eight weeks before.
The last class is a lovely mix of nostalgia & subtle self-celebration.
As we prepared for our final stretch as Intermediate I students, the girls started chatting excitedly about moving onto the next level, Intermediate II, the next level before Advanced.
In Intermediate II, we expound on all that we learned in Intermediate I, but the aerial & inverted (upside down) work is done higher up on the pole. We also work to make the moves fluid so that it can fit into a choreographed routine. Intermediate II ends with a recital.
There was a chorus of “I’m going on!” & “I’ll be there!” amongst the class, but I stayed silent.
Finally, one girl asked me, “Will we be seeing you in class next week, Ev`Yan?” I looked up from my stretch & told her that I wasn’t going on to Intermediate II; that I was going to be retaking Intermediate I. This answer prompted a stir of Awwws & Whys around the room, to which I replied: “I just don’t feel like I’m ready for Intermediate II.”
“That’s silly!” said my classmate. “You are so ready for Intermediate II. Join us!”
I smiled. “I really appreciate you saying that. But I want to honor my body & my body is telling me that it’s not ready.”
A girl from the corner of the room chimed in thoughtfully. “I like that. Honoring your body, honoring yourself…”
And just like that, it was settled.
Though I had utter peace about my decision, I was quite sad knowing that my fellow classmates were advancing to the higher level class, while I stayed behind & retook a level I had already devoted eighteen hours to. But as I walked in to my new Intermediate I class days later & began the process all over again, I felt at home.
Yes, my body seemed to say, this is right. This is necessary.
By staying behind, I’ve given myself permission to pay more attention to the moves that gave me the most trouble (mainly inversions, like Scorpions & Geminis*). And just last night, class two of Intermediate I retake, I nailed a moved that I struggled to complete in my prior Intermediate I class, & I kept nailing this move consistently throughout the entire class.
I had a breakthrough.
While it’s been a bit hard on my ego to retake this class, my success in fearlessly doing a move that gave me such frustration solidified my choice to stay behind.
I know that this is where I’m supposed to be, that this is the path I’m supposed to take.
Honoring ourselves can be tricky. It requires self-control, humility, & utter surrender to the truth, things that catapult us into the uncomfortable reality that we need more time, less time, or no time at all. Our pride often gets in the way of us obeying ourselves. We see others attempting the same feats & feel compelled to be & stay on their level.
But our bodies — our experiences — are unique, & beautifully so. What we go through, how much we can take, how we choose to process emotions… this all varies from person to person, story to story.
We learn at different rates. We come into our potential at different times. We process things in ways that are right for us.
We are not the same.
It’s so important that we honor this kind of uniqueness. It’s important that we listen to our hearts & bodies, & to not have “the right thing to do” be derogated by our pride. There’s no need for us to feel guilty for having an unconventional method of doing / feeling / making things. We are individuals choosing our own paths, creating our own stories, moving through this world at a speed that suits us.
In this way, we are honoring ourselves.
And by honoring ourselves, we are showing ourselves self-love.
//
My challenge to you today: Honor yourself.
Realize that you are beautifully unique & so is your story. Don’t compare yourself to the personal stories & experiences of others. Respect your body, your abilities, your weaknesses. Listen to your heart. Listen to your body. Say No (or Yes) with conviction & proceed with grace.
And while you’re at it, tell your ego to shut its mouth.
______
*I tried to find videos of these moves being done, but their technique was so awful! Bent legs, flexed feet. I suppose I’ll just have to show you myself one of these days.
Ev’Yan, this is such a great lesson! I often wonder what might happen if we were all able to turn down the volume on our egos and let our true selves to the driving? I think good, magical stuff.
I absolutely agree with, Tiffany. :]
Ev’Yan, this is exactly what I needed to read today. A few hours ago I came in from a failed attempt at jogging. I’ve been trying to train myself to run 5k without having to stop, but I’ve been having a really hard time. I run for 5 minutes and then I need to take a break before I can keep going. For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling really frustrated that my body is having such a hard time doing such a simple thing. I kept comparing myself to others who can run 5k without any trouble. Today I was so discouraged that I was close to tears. I’ve been going at this for months now and I’m STILL struggling. As I read this, I realized that I need to stop comparing myself to others. If it takes me a year to be able to run 5k, then so be it. I’m going to honor my body.
That is so cool that you are taking these classes. I have been thinking of doing the same type of thing! Is it fun?
“…But our bodies — our experiences — are unique, & beautifully so. What we go through, how much we can take, how we choose to process emotions… this all varies from person to person, story to story.
We learn at different rates. We come into our potential at different times. We process things in ways that are right for us…”
I honor this post. For the past week, I’ve written in my journal about my funk, questioning the way I’ve chosen to go about accomplishing my own goals. I felt a sense of unease because of what my friends and peers are doing.
Reading this gave me relief. It let me know that I am doing the right thing, I am doing what works best for me. Because of this I am able to make peace with my own journey. Thank you.
-Chymere H.
YES! love this…it completely reflects the week i’ve been having….i’ve been honoring myself and my feelings and letting go of things so that new beautiful things can enter my life. it requires “utter surrender to the truth!” well said! thank you!
I like that. I like how you perfectly handled the situation and made it seem like it wasn’t the wimpy thing to do (as it’s not), but something of an inner strength! You KNOW you’re body and you’re in control. People learn at different paces and it’s so important not to rush; to really get something down! I know our K12 schooling system has taught us that being left behind, taking a class over again, means you are a loser, dumb, slow, etc. But it doesn’t have to be this way!! We need to be encouraged to HONOR OURSELVES and not feel pressured when things don’t seem right. Great post!
This is so true on so many fronts. One of many faults that I have is wanting to please everyone so that they are all happy and not disappointed in me, but we all know that can’t happen in reality. There are times when I just need to focus on MY needs and wants and what I feel is right for MYSELF. I am learning that sometimes it is ok to be a little selfish at times. I am the only person who knows what I want. Everyone else just assumes.
Thank you so very much for this post! Just what I needed to hear.
This is so important for me today. I started the day off by speaking the truth for me, by honoring myself, and I feel so good and so strong about that choice. Thank you!
Delicious, as always. I feel that honoring our bodies takes a variety of forms, and we must pay attention to ourselves, our patterns, and our stimulants, so that we learn how to LISTEN to what our bodies need at varying times.
For example, before I had my daughters, honoring my body meant rigorous exercise, lots of time loving on my hair, and other things that made me feel my feminine power.
Nowadays, I know that my temple doesn’t prefer the same types of exercises I did before. I know that I don’t need (or want!) to spend gobs of time giving a shit about how perfect or imperfect my locs are on a given day. I know that my stretch marks are not points of shame, and I know that indulgence in brownies and muscato (moment of silence for my dear loves) is not a bad thing, because I create balance in an overall healthy diet and lifestyle.
Thank you for illustrating the value of paying attention to self, and honoring self despite external stimulus to the contrary.
I wonder if this will answer the question “Tera, why don’t you drink?”
Will it make more sense to people than the response “I’m an alcoholic”? Unfortunately, people have a hard time understanding how a 24-year old that doesn’t drink everyday can be an alcoholic. Every single time I took my first drink of the evening, that first drink that inevitably led to many others, I knew I was poisoning my body. I was punishing it in a long, slow, subtle way. For a long time I tried to be like everybody else and drink “socially.”
Honoring it began with listening and realizing that I can’t have just one. It’s all or nothing, and with drinking I choose nothing. I make perfect choices for myself now and follow through without shame and without second guessing myself and it has probably saved my life.
I am in awe of your centeredness, Tera. So much that I don’t have the words for it.
Just know that I admire you, both for honesty & your self-possession.
xx.
Perfect! We’re so used to giving in to peer pressure (real or imagined) and to our own egos when we know something isn’t right for us. It makes me so incredibly happy and proud to see you say “no” to the pull to move on when you knew you had more to learn. And look how it paid off! I love it.
I haven’t been honouring myself much lately. Launching the biz has taken all my energy, and I haven’t taken time to sit back to enjoy everything I’ve done. It’s been rushrushrush even though my Self is telling me I need to rest and celebrate. As a compromise, and to keep myself from going nuts, I’m taking a whole week off this month. I want to honour myself, and I’m super looking forward to taking a week of slow time to recuperate and get back in touch with my Self.
Thank you, Ev’yan, for this blog and for this post. I rarely comment but visit often for a dose of courage and love. I’m almost 34 and only recently realized that I was not addressing my issues with my sexuality when trying to sort through my emotional clutter. I never thought of my sexual history as being particularly eventful or traumatic, it just was what it was. And yet so many of my misperceptions about myself stem from sexual experiences. Thank you for helping me not be afraid to go there!