I’ve spent the last three years of my life trying to come out of a shell that was created & hardened by anxiety. Since then, I’ve been obliterating fear-induced walls, stepping past my deepest comfort zones, & trying with all of my might to become more brave, more free.
I am wholly dedicated to my mission to push myself into doing things that make me feel outwardly awkward, uncomfortable, & a little frightened.
Signing up to & attending my very first pole dancing class was one of those things.
Pole dancing is something I’ve always wanted to try, but I never made an effort to put that desire into action. There was always multiple excuses as to why I shouldn’t endeavor in a class: the studio was too far, the sessions were too expensive, I didn’t have the right clothes/body/sex appeal, I was too much of an introvert, & on & on.
The silly excuses appeared to mean well, but only stifled my longing.
And then I moved to Portland, where I’ve proven to myself how capable I am of being perpetually courageous: going downtown all by myself to have coffee with a very new friend; using public transportation for the first time; realizing & acknowledging that my sexual orientation has shifted; taking the initiative to do what I love… All of these things would have never gotten accomplished in my solid state of nervousness & self-doubt. But I’ve done them, & I continue to do them because it feels deliciously good to push my own limits.
Since I’ve been on such a positive roll, I decided that it was finally time to take a class to teach me how to writhe seductively on a metal pole amongst a room of strangers.
As I started my car to begin a drive along freeways & intersections I had never ventured on, I felt empowered. I was really going through with it.
When I arrived at the class & stood near my respective pole, my nerves began to buzz loudly in my ear & I could feel my palms start to sweat. This was really happening.
Throughout the entire class, my whole body shook in nervousness as I did the best I could to loosen up, trust my body, & stick out my ass in ways that would entice potential onlookers. I felt timid inferiority as I watched my gorgeous instructor lift herself onto the golden pole effortlessly & gracefully. I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror as I tried to mimic her movements, stumbling, hesitating, gripping the pole like I was going to plunge to my death.
I wasn’t graceful. I wasn’t erotic. My lanky body was discombobulated, out of shape. I was sweating, giggling nervously as I failed yet over & over to attain enough coordination so that I could spin around the pole using only my knees to balance. I felt super exposed, super awkward. I looked ridiculous; I felt a little moronic.
But as the class ended & I walked to my car, wiping sweat from my brow, I evaluated all of those emotions I had felt: vulnerability, fear, borderline humiliation, jittery excitement. And then I smiled because I had finally done something I had always wanted to do; I had felt the fear & did it anyway; & despite my horrendous lack of expertise, I fucking pole danced!
I felt splendid. I felt liberated. I basked in the glory of my own courage for the entire drive home.
I am still basking in it.
I know that it’s much easier to stay dormant, to live a predictable life as a hermit crab, snug in a shell of security. I understand how much better it feels to maintain a safe existence, one that shelters you from embarrassment, rather than propelling you into the unknown. I am all too familiar with feelings of self-doubt that hinders you from doing what you really want to do.
And there is nothing wrong with those feelings; there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from humiliation. But I am here to remind you that you house an ability within you to surpass your own limitations & to excel in things your mind is too shy to dream of. In trying new things & endeavoring in new experiences, you are enriching your spirit; you are taking full advantage of this beautiful life you’re living.
You’re worthy of exhilarating adventures. Don’t let your timid, self-conscious ego tell you otherwise.
So do something that scares you. Ask your crush on a date. Go bungee jumping. Take a road trip alone. Try a hobby you have no experience in. Make new friends. Go karaoke. Do one thing that scares you once a week, twice a month, three times a day — anything to annihilate your comfort zones.
And when the fear feels like it’s trying to cripple you from succeeding, lean into it. Remind yourself that all of the uncomfortable things you’re feeling are just mere side effects of your being incredible in the present moment.
After completing your mission, congratulate yourself. Even if you failed, even if you stumbled, even if your efforts were laced with several ounces of hesitation, be proud of yourself because you felt the fear & did it anyway.
That is so cool. Awesome. Bravo!
I bet you looked sexy as hell, as silly as you may have felt. And I’m sure your man will appreciate your every move. I totally felt all your feelings with you as read your post. I probably wouldn’t have made it past the parking lot. So, you rock. Plain and simple. Way to go.
If the cost of shipping for a sledge hammer was cheaper, I’d send one your way. Keep knocking down those walls, woman! You’re an inspiration.
Congrats girl!!! I’m glad you did it and am hoping you stick with the class…
On another note, this post totally reminded me of this: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/1f8ea62f7e/prenatal-pole-dancing-dvd
LOL
Stepping out of the shadows here to say, “Congratulations!!” and to thank you so much, on behalf of all of us reading here, for embodying your values so well. I love that you’re a women in process, not claiming to have arrived anywhere, but owning your successes and letting us in on the wonderful insights you’re gaining along the way. What gifts!
Ev’Yan! I bet once you get the moves down you’re going to look amazing on that pole. I love your new blog. It’s like all the inspiration in Apricot Tea times 100. I’ve got a few things I’ve been putting off our of anxiety and fear of failure, but you convinced me and I’m going to give them a shot.
how cool! i always thought that sounded like fun and i’m glad that you went through with it even though your were anxious :)
I’ve been pole dancing for six months now via Sheila Kelley’s S Factor studios and its one of the best things about my week. I plan on being an S woman for the rest of my life. There are women in my class who are 50+ and you wouldn’t even know. I’ve written at lengths regarding what pole dancing and sensual movement has done for me. It can be found here. I even did a youtube video about what the class has done for me.
http://sheenalashay.com/tag/sexuality/
What studio do you take your classes with?
Sheena,
I love that you are so involved in pole dancing. I hope to be just as involved & in love with it as you. I’m planning on signing up for the 8 week course today!
Oh, & I took my first class at a place called Ecdysiast:
http://www.ecdysiaststudio.com/
It’s in SE Portland. It’s a gorgeous, gorgeous place; the studio is breathtaking.
Thanks for inspiring me!
Wow, that was sincerely amazing. Brave is a word I have been doodling on papers at work like a 16 year old bored in class. Braving the unknown. Braving yourself. So many uses of this word & yet, they all seem very empowering! To be brave is to push against our comfort zones & break free of what we find normal or every day. You, girl, are so brave! I loved reading this. The fears, the excitements, the power of overcoming the obstacle. What a funny word “ob-sta-cle” – a word that tries to get in our way & keep us from moving forward. But that’s all we have, is tomorrow & each moment after the next. All we can do is keep on moving forward. Props to you girl. You are one brave woman. =)
So love that you wrote about this Ev’Yan : )
We are truly emerging, as women, to embrace everything we are. So excited to see where this leads us!
Sending you big hugs and continued empowerment : )
Yay! Congrats! That sounds like a workout from hell dude.
I’m a music performance major. You’d think being in school for performing that I wouldn’t be afraid of performing ALONE, but it doesn’t exactly work like that. My very first performance in school this semester I broke down, (thankfully it is a class designed to help us with performing, so it was in a positive environment) and long story short I’ve been on a long painful journey, performing 5 times all together with the last performance (my final exam that was this past Monday) being pretty good! I’ve spent this entire semester getting over this fear and I’m glad that I am improving.
To celebrate I did something else that I was afraid to do which was shave my head! I’m still afraid of what people will think about it, but I did it! I will get more confident with time.
You are beautiful and inspiring!
I wrote to you a little bit about this awhile ago, but thought it might be good to share it here. After a lifetime of not being able to talk seriously about sex (out of shame, embarrassment, etc.) one night I somehow worked up the courage to ask my husband “What’s your fantasy?” We have had so much fun finding out about one another’s fantasies, and exploring them together. We have better sex more often, and in all aspects of my life I feel empowered to embrace & celebrate who I am. I also feel more in touch with and more confident about my body than ever before, and pole dancing classes are next on my to-do list!
“acknowledging that my sexual orientation has shifted” What do you mean by this or could you talk about this in another post :)?
Hi Sarah,
I am planning on discussing this in a future post, whenever I can get up enough courage to do so.
:]
nicely done! seriously i’ve always wanted to do this too but have never mustered up the time or the courage to do so, i’m thinking that has to change. preferably in the next few months :)
YAY for doing something that scares you! I know the feeling of utter liberation – it’s almost as if you have an out of body experience once you complete the task (whatever it may be).
I unfortunately cannot do pole dancing…not because I dont want to but..(okay I expect a lot of whiplash from this reason) my better half has decided that I shouldn’t do it. Not that I can’t, but I shouldn’t. I know that I could drive myself there, shake my booty and go back home, but when I walk in that door he would be sulking. His reasoning, which I completely disagree with, is that he doesn’t want the mother of his children dancing on a pole. WTF? In my mind, thats a BS reason simply because I know that if given the opportunity, he would certainly tip a woman who does the ass to pole jigg for a living.
So…to keep the peace..I don’t do it..
how much longer I can block it out of my mind, heaven only knows.
YAY for other woman who have the “ca-hooners” for actually doing it regardless of their limitations (their own or those imposed on them by others)
VIVA la POLE! :):)
I sooooooo needed to read this. “Do one thing that scares you once a week, twice a month, three times a day — anything to annihilate your comfort zones” < just wrote this down and added it to my inspiration board.
Your post reminds me of a book I just began. The title is the same as your last line: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. It’s a short and straight-to-the-point book.
I’ve considered pole dancing but I have to find a place within my time budget. Once I do that…yes! In the meantime, I’ve decided to start learning belly dance using videos at home (until I find a good class).
Nice post..I think this is one of the lil mantras for Lululemon, a yoga apparel company. I’m gonna do something that potentially scares me a bit but hey, burlesque dancing looks like fun so I’m gonna have at it! I dunno when just yet, but one of these days, I’m gonna get on stage and shake tail feather :D
I start Burlesque dancing next week. There was a 10 class groupon I purchased awhile back. I’m excisted.
Today’s Plan: Make a sexual bucket list, ASAP.
Thanks for the idea :)
Wow! I started pole dancing a few months ago w/ the intention of becoming more open w/ my sexuality and femininity. and I love it!
I also started boxing which has helped my confidence in public spaces.
It’s amazing how getting to know our bodies through physical activity can transform other aspects of ourselves.
I was smiling as I read this because it sounds so much like me. I have always been terrified of doing pretty much anything. However, I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing so many things that make me feel awkward as hell but that I am so proud of afterward. One of those was meeting up with Dusti Arab in Portland, not knowing her at all. She recommended your site to me and I’m so glad she did. You are inspiring and beautiful and so refreshingly authentic. Thank you.
I have made an effort to do more things that scare me. I have a HUGE fear developed during my years of being bullied to put up this thick wall to others and make friends carefully! But I have tried to put myself in more awkward situations that I would feel butterflies in my stomach and lead me normally to cancel. Yet I have been able to stick with it mostly and I am glad because I have had great times and opened myself up to meeting some pretty cool people and had some pretty fun times. I guess I’m slowly letting go…one day and moment at a time.