Honoring the Darkness

To sit in the illumination of the sun is easy. It warms the skin, its streams are pleasant & becoming. Everyone looks like an angel when golden rays of light are peering down on them.

But to sit in darkness is difficult. To succumb to the cold, deafening silence of solitude, the misery of depression & confusion—to admit these terrors & to speak of them openly feels like a sick glorification. And there is no glory in darkness.

I sit in sunlight with abandon. I sit in darkness with shame.

When I am lightness, I am as weightless as a feather.
When I am darkness, I pierce infinite nothingness.

I do not want people to see my darkness. I do not want them to know the depths I’m capable of. But to deny that it exists within me feels like a gross disavowal of my truth. And my truth is this:

What I feel right now—& have been feeling for months—is a gnawing hunger, one that aches inside my belly as if it were ravenous & craving nourishment. It is a longing I cannot shake, an intense kind of desire to do, to feel, to experience. It is driving me mad. It is keeping me restless.

I have dreams that are wild, borderline nonsensical. I lust for things I have never experienced. I know what it is I want. I know what it looks like, what it smells like, & what it might feel like to have those experiences in my possession.

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I Know Who I Am! Echos Within My Cave of Solitude

goddess-space

For over four months, I have been lying fallow, resting my weary soul to pay close attention to my desires & my dreams. In this process, I have been diving into more soulful, spiritual things—gods & goddesses, gemstones & moon phases, the deep inner dwellings of my psyche, the visions I have as I sleep—all in an attempt to better know myself.

Because for a moment there, I got side-tracked.

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Non-Monogamy & My New Marriage: What I Learned (& Where I Stand)

(Note: This is the third installment in my non-monogamy series. Read the first & second.)

I sat curled onto Jonathan’s lap, tears clouding my vision as waves of emotion washed over me. I couldn’t stop sobbing.

“Why are you crying, honey?” Jonathan consoled me softly.

I kept insisting that I didn’t know what was wrong, that I was just glad to be home, that it was such a long day. But I did know. I was confused. Terribly, gut-wrenchingly, mindfucked & confused.

I can’t even begin to describe the perplexity I felt when trying to pursue another knowing my husband was at home. Consenting to all of this, of course, but still at home. It was the most disorienting situation I had ever been in, & throughout the date I could feel myself trying to squirm my way out of it, either by running or retreating.

But I kept repeating to myself, Feel this fear; feel this disorientation. Lean into it. If this is what you want, Ev’Yan, you must lean into it.

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Non-Monogamy & My New Marriage: A Date

(Note: This is the second installment in my non-monogamy series. Read the first.)

I came home with a stupid smile on my face, a bag of groceries hanging from one shoulder. Jonathan greeted me with beaming eyes.

“Well?” he said in anticipation.
“I did it!” I exclaimed. “I asked her out!”

He gave me a high five, then a strong, congratulatory hug.

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” he said lovingly into my hair. “So what happens next?”
“I guess we’re going out on a date. . .”

To speak this truth aloud conjured up a bit of queasiness again. I started to become doubtful.

But he calmed me down & told me everything was going to be alright. Then, he gave me dating advice.

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