How to Love Your Yoni

4699306867_45bd795d80_b

(via)

I was reading the newspaper a few weeks ago & saw an ad on the outer corner of a page with the headline “Love Your Lady Parts.” Reading that, I became instantly filled with joy that there was something somewhere in local media that would herald such a positive message to the women of Portland.

But then I continued reading.

“If a large or thickened labia is keeping you from doing the things you love. . . you don’t have to suffer silently. Labiaplasty is a safe solution & is performed right in Portland.”

What a horrendous letdown.

How could slicing off one’s inner labia possibly be the answer to loving one’s lady parts? In my own mind, I cannot imagine how this could be an answer. But I have a personal inclination to love my yoni. Not all have that perspective.

I do not condemn those who choose to get a labiaplasty in order to find peace & acceptance with their vulvas. What I condemn is the idea that getting a labiaplasty is the only option one has to finding peace & acceptance with their vulva.

Continue reading »

I Am Not Bisexual

(IPDATE: I’ve recently made peace with the word bisexual as it is used to describe my sexuality. See this post for more.)

There are words in my language that I do not like. Words that, when said, grate on my nerves as if I had been cut open & had tiny bits of shrapnel put inside my wound.

One of these words is bisexual.

The moment I typed out that I was bisexual, I felt a jolt of energy pulsate through my body, as if I had just licked a battery, as if I had been startled by a noise outside & a million tiny hairs on my body stood on end with alertness. I could feel my breath halt for just a few seconds at the utter realization of that one truth: I am bisexual. I ruminated over this one sentence & the rest of the writing for several days after it was composed, not entirely sure if I had the guts to publish it.

And when I finally did decide to publish it, I felt that same jolt of electricity, that same zap of in-the-moment presence that accompanies any hard or exciting or scary choice I make. It’s hard to explain the feeling. It’s part exhilaration, part queasiness, part soulful elation.

I felt those three things again, coupled with that jolt of electricity, when I actually spoke the words I am bisexual to a listening ear. Only this time, the sensations that moved through my body lingered longer. It made me dizzy. I couldn’t stop wondering if I had spoken too spoke, said too much, revealed a part of me that perhaps needed to rest longer.

Continue reading »

Honoring the Darkness

To sit in the illumination of the sun is easy. It warms the skin, its streams are pleasant & becoming. Everyone looks like an angel when golden rays of light are peering down on them.

But to sit in darkness is difficult. To succumb to the cold, deafening silence of solitude, the misery of depression & confusion—to admit these terrors & to speak of them openly feels like a sick glorification. And there is no glory in darkness.

I sit in sunlight with abandon. I sit in darkness with shame.

When I am lightness, I am as weightless as a feather.
When I am darkness, I pierce infinite nothingness.

I do not want people to see my darkness. I do not want them to know the depths I’m capable of. But to deny that it exists within me feels like a gross disavowal of my truth. And my truth is this:

What I feel right now—& have been feeling for months—is a gnawing hunger, one that aches inside my belly as if it were ravenous & craving nourishment. It is a longing I cannot shake, an intense kind of desire to do, to feel, to experience. It is driving me mad. It is keeping me restless.

I have dreams that are wild, borderline nonsensical. I lust for things I have never experienced. I know what it is I want. I know what it looks like, what it smells like, & what it might feel like to have those experiences in my possession.

Continue reading »

I Know Who I Am! Echos Within My Cave of Solitude

goddess-space

For over four months, I have been lying fallow, resting my weary soul to pay close attention to my desires & my dreams. In this process, I have been diving into more soulful, spiritual things—gods & goddesses, gemstones & moon phases, the deep inner dwellings of my psyche, the visions I have as I sleep—all in an attempt to better know myself.

Because for a moment there, I got side-tracked.

Continue reading »