I Know Who I Am! Echos Within My Cave of Solitude


For over four months, I have been lying fallow, resting my weary soul to pay close attention to my desires & my dreams. In this process, I have been diving into more soulful, spiritual things—gods & goddesses, gemstones & moon phases, the deep inner dwellings of my psyche, the visions I have as I sleep—all in an attempt to better know myself.

Because for a moment there, I got side-tracked.

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Non-Monogamy & My New Marriage: What I Learned (& Where I Stand)

(Note: This is the third installment in my non-monogamy series. Read the first & second.)

I sat curled onto Jonathan’s lap, tears clouding my vision as waves of emotion washed over me. I couldn’t stop sobbing.

“Why are you crying, honey?” Jonathan consoled me softly.

I kept insisting that I didn’t know what was wrong, that I was just glad to be home, that it was such a long day. But I did know. I was confused. Terribly, gut-wrenchingly, mindfucked & confused.

I can’t even begin to describe the perplexity I felt when trying to pursue another knowing my husband was at home. Consenting to all of this, of course, but still at home. It was the most disorienting situation I had ever been in, & throughout the date I could feel myself trying to squirm my way out of it, either by running or retreating.

But I kept repeating to myself, Feel this fear; feel this disorientation. Lean into it. If this is what you want, Ev’Yan, you must lean into it.

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Non-Monogamy & My New Marriage: A Date

(Note: This is the second installment in my non-monogamy series. Read the first.)

I came home with a stupid smile on my face, a bag of groceries hanging from one shoulder. Jonathan greeted me with beaming eyes.

“Well?” he said in anticipation.
“I did it!” I exclaimed. “I asked her out!”

He gave me a high five, then a strong, congratulatory hug.

“I’m so proud of you, honey,” he said lovingly into my hair. “So what happens next?”
“I guess we’re going out on a date. . .”

To speak this truth aloud conjured up a bit of queasiness again. I started to become doubtful.

But he calmed me down & told me everything was going to be alright. Then, he gave me dating advice.

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Non-Monogamy & My New Marriage: An Experiment

We started playing with the idea of seeing people outside of our relationship last year. It followed directly after I came out.

We decided mutually that non-monogamy was something worth exploring, simply because we wanted to explore it. It was my personal desires that fueled this exploration. He really didn’t have any intention to start something; he was busy enough already. But I was on a mission to becoming a sexual liberationist & I craved to actualize my curiosity.

So, we decided to experiment. (And I don’t think I even need to elaborate on how much of a paradox this all was.)

First, boundaries were set.

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