I sat curled onto Jonathan’s lap, tears clouding my vision as waves of emotion washed over me. I couldn’t stop sobbing.
“Why are you crying, honey?” Jonathan consoled me softly.
I kept insisting that I didn’t know what was wrong, that I was just glad to be home, that it was such a long day. But I did know. I was confused. Terribly, gut-wrenchingly, mindfucked & confused.
I can’t even begin to describe the perplexity I felt when trying to pursue another knowing my husband was at home. Consenting to all of this, of course, but still at home. It was the most disorienting situation I had ever been in, & throughout the date I could feel myself trying to squirm my way out of it, either by running or retreating.
But I kept repeating to myself, Feel this fear; feel this disorientation. Lean into it. If this is what you want, Ev’Yan, you must lean into it.