Category Archives: Reader Question

Reader Question: Sexual Frigidity & “Pushing His Hands Away”

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(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become its own article. This is one of those questions.)

“Dear Ev`Yan,

I have never had an orgasm with a guy before. I do not like guys touching my vagina. I don’t know why. I just can’t get comfortable with them touching me there. My poor boyfriend. He really doesn’t like how I push his hands away when he tries to pleasure me. I know it bothers him. I have no issues giving blow jobs and doing anything for the guy, but when it comes to me, no way.

I barely like touching myself anymore. I used to enjoy sex, and now… I barely ever get horny. It’s extremely frusterating and sad. I think my emotions are playing a decent part in this.

I’ve looked up things on the internet, I’ve read books. I enjoy porn, and that used to get me going, but not so much anymore.

Has anyone else ever had this problem?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

– Amber

 

Dearest Amber,

What you’re describing is, by definition, what it means to be “sexually frigid,” a term that I completely dislike but am using anyway to put a word to what it is you’re going through.

… continue reading ››

Written on May 24, 2012 in Reader Question, Sex + Sexuality | 9 Comments

Reader Question: Self-Love & Body Image

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(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become an article all its own. This is one of those questions.)

“Hi Ev`Yan,

What is your view on working out to achieve a different body? Is that not having self-love if you don’t like how you look and want to change it?

I see many big women coming to self-love realizations, and although I am happy that they are happy, I can’t do that myself. I feel that even though I should not think negatively about myself, exercise and eating healthy will no doubt bring me to my ideal bodies.

I guess I am confused about self-love.”

– Audrey

 

Audrey,

I suppose it depends on the reason one is choosing to achieve a different body in the first place.

If you are exercising & striving to lose weight as a way of showing your body devout & loving attentiveness, then I absolutely believe that can be a form of self-love.

But if your wanting a different body stems from societal pressures & is coming from a place of nonacceptance, you’re likely going against your natural self. This “going against yourself*” & wanting to be someone else is a subtle form of self-hatred.

Self-love is self-care, & self-care can mean a plethora of things.

… continue reading ››

Written on January 27, 2012 in Body Image, Reader Question, Self-Love | 8 Comments

Reader Question: On Having a Low Sex Drive

(Note: Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become an article all its own. This is one of those questions.)

“I’ve had a low sex drive for as long as I’ve been having sex.

When a relationship is new, I have a “normal” sex drive but once I’m comfortable, it all but disappears. Sex isn’t unpleasant or painful, I just… don’t care to have it.

I’ve attributed this to various things, including the fact that my first sexual experiences occurred when I was too young and I felt a lot of shame/guilt about them, as well as the fact that I for some reason feel that sex is an important part of “the chase” of a new relationship but that’s it.

It’s not my birth control or a health issue, and it’s not my relationship because I’ve had this issue in both good and bad relationships (including my current relationship with the man I’ll probably marry).

I figured you may have some words of wisdom or suggestions to deal with having a low libido. I know you’ve written about it a couple times but I would love any advice you could offer!”

– T.K.

 

Dearest T.K.,

As someone who has dealt with this on a very personal level, I can deeply relate to your letter. And I’m a bit torn between giving you a response that’s practical & one that’s a little bold.

So I’ll give you both.

… continue reading ››

Written on December 13, 2011 in Reader Question, Sex + Sexuality | 20 Comments

Reader Question: Pubic Hair & the “Hairlessness Epidemic”

(Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become an article all its own. This is one of those questions.)

“Greetings, Ev`Yan! I would LOVE for you to discuss the desire within our current culture for women to be clean shaven in their under arms and between their legs. When that change in my life came as a young girl, I was honored and finally felt like a woman. It feels to me that this hair is looked at with shame and to be hidden, when it is completely natural. I’m not against a little grooming down there, but the hairlessness is an epidemic!

Also: What does your bush look like?“ – Brenna

 

Brenna,

I adore you for prompting this discussion & for so boldly asking a question that helps me analyze my own pubic hair preference.

I agree with you that there is a lot of shame surrounding women & the amount of hair they have on their bodies (mainly in the States). It’s all very contradictory, because on one hand sprouting little strands of hair in our private areas is a rite of passage into womanhood; we know we’ve hit puberty the moment our legs, underarms, & mons pubis begins to grow fuzzy.

On the other hand, that glorious sign of physical maturity gets cut short (literally) because shaving is as much of a rite of passage into womanhood I think as is growing hair.

… continue reading ››

Written on September 20, 2011 in Reader Question, Sex + Sexuality | 66 Comments

Reader Question: Race & Sexuality

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(Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become an article all its own. This is one of those questions.)

“Over these past few months I have been digging deep, trying to recover my sexuality; to understand why I have hidden it; why I have had a problem expressing it–even though it is a part of myself that I do appreciate and enjoy. Recently I have realized that I have internalized a lot of negative stereotypes about black women and our sexuality.

I guess my question to you is, in your exploration of your sexuality have you ever thought about the intersection of race and sex? How it may have influenced your negative or positive feelings about your body and sexuality? I would love to hear your thoughts.” — Alisha

A: Thanks for such a thought-provoking question, Alisha.

I have absolutely thought about race & sexuality, & how those things have influenced my own life. The findings from inquiring deeply about this subject are often times disturbing & uncomfortable.

… continue reading ››

Written on June 28, 2011 in Body Image, Reader Question, Self-Love, Sex + Sexuality | 54 Comments