Since I started Sex, Love, Liberation, I’ve been immersing myself in books/films that deepen my knowledge of sex/sexuality & further my own self-growth. My efforts to dive into these intricate topics are equal parts research, curiosity, & personal agenda.
Anytime I’m having a conversation about the work that I do, these books/films inevitably come up. They’re just so important.
Below, I’ve compiled a list of these books/films that have impacted my work & transformed my own beliefs. I challenge you to read one of these books or watch one of these films, if only to deepen your own knowledge & ask some much needed questions.
(Note: A few links in this article contain content not safe for work.)
Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha
I purchased this book out of sheer curiosity, knowing that it would undoubtedly challenge my own views of monogamy. What I didn’t expect, however, was how clearly the picture of Humans are Non-Monogamous Creatures would be painted.
Written with an intelligence of science & research, but told using simple, comprehensible lingo (& a splash of humor!), I found myself coming face to face with thoughts I never thought I would have: Are we (humans) meant to be monogamous creatures?
Even if you don’t “believe” in non-monogamy, & even if the topic itself activates feelings of uneasiness &/or skepticism, if you are the least bit curious about our mating habits as humans & the direction that modern relationships are going in, Sex at Dawn is a must read.
But only if you can keep your mind open.
The Perfect Vagina (link to film)
I was turned on to this free, online documentary after attending a presentation by Wrenna Robertson, the author of the bold book I’ll Show You Mine (which I’ll talk about in a minute). The film is precisely about what the title conveys: The perfect vagina, & how (& why) so many women are latching onto unrealistic ideas of what their precious genitals are supposed to look like.
This goes beyond feeling insecure about the way your ladybits look on the outside. It deals with a heartbreaking epidemic of self-hatred so severe that drastic measures are being taken, such as labiaplasty, a surgery designed to cosmetically alter womens’ genitals to a more “normal” look.
The creator of the film documents the journeys & stories of three women in the UK who have struggled with loving their vulvas to the point of wanting to go under the knife. (One girl actually does, & the procedure is shown in the film.)
This documentary is the perfect pairing to the post I did about pubic hair. It’ll definitely get you thinking.
I’ll Show You Mine, by Wrenna Robertson
As I mentioned above, I recently attended a presentation in Portland surrounding the courageous book, I’ll Show You Mine, “a photo study of female genitalia and a window into women’s experiences of their genitals. [It] contains 120 photographs of 60 women, with all women photographed from the same two positions.” (The author’s words.)
To be a bit more clear, I’ll Show You Mine features pictures of 60 womens’ vulvas unabashedly & in the flesh.
Some might use the word “graphic” to describe this book, but I prefer real.
The reason: To fully appreciate the uniqueness & beauty of our varying genitals.
I’m sure this book is not meant to be one that rests on a coffee table, but it proudly sits on mine, & the conversations that ensue from it are as much needed as they are interesting.
Bi the Way (preview)
As I try to make sense of my own fluid sexuality, the topic of bisexuality is one that gets tossed around in my head (& in my conversations) quite often. So I rejoiced a little when I found this documentary, which examines a sexual orientation that is often labeled as “fickle” or “nonexistent.”
Bi the Way follows the lives of several men & women (even an 11-year-old boy) who are trying to come to terms with their bisexuality & the issues surrounding it. While listening to their candid stories, commentary & opinions from psychologists, anthropologists, celebrities, & evolution biologists are strewn throughout to challenge your thought process.
This film doesn’t dispel any myths surrounding bisexuality, nor does it settle the issue once & for all. But it certainly makes you think. And sometimes that’s all you need.
You can either watch this film free online, or on Netflix (it’s currently streaming instant).
Orgasm Inc (preview)
If I went to a doctor today & told him about my sexual appetite, I would most likely be diagnosed with FSD, or female sexual dysfunction. If you are a woman who has any trouble with sex &/or orgasm — low libido, lack of arousal, inability to orgasm, trouble reaching orgasm, etc. — you’d also be classified as someone suffering from FSD.
But what is FSD? Where does it come from? When did it reach the status of an “epidemic” amongst women? And does it even exist?
In Orgasm Inc, we get a shocking look at pharmaceutical companies’ urgency to create & release a drug that monopolizes on the intricate design of womens’ sexuality through scaremongering & greed.
I remember watching this film & feeling outraged by the emphasis put on a “problem” that has been blatantly manufactured & shoved down the throats of women everywhere, sealing in this misconception that womens’ sexualities are broken & need fixing.
If you watch/read nothing else in this post, please watch this film (available on Netflix).
The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
The title of this book scared the dickens out of me when a dear friend of mine recommended it to me. I was going through a tumultuous time in my marriage, spurred on by my husband’s confession of being “polyamorous.”
I never thought that this book would end up in my house, nor did I think that I would ever list it as a must-read (& I’m quite sure my friend is giggling to herself that I even have it on my nightstand). But it has proven to be an impactful read.
The Ethical Slut is quite simply a book that guides one through the muck, mire, & excitement of open relationships & polyamory: the do’s, the don’ts, the emotions, the jealousies, the boundaries. For me, though, The Ethical Slut facilitated some deep discussions between Jonathan & I, which helped us heal through unadulterated honesty.
Even if you have no desire to open up your relationship, this book provokes some interesting conversations on the topic of non-monogamy (& can be paired perfectly with Sex at Dawn). Read it aloud with your lover; educate yourself on varying styles of alternative relationships; ask yourself questions that only the subject of polyamory would allow you to think about.
But if you can’t have an open mind about this book or its subject, you need not bother reading it.
Regardless, I think everyone & every couple should have the non-monogamy talk.
(Eventually, I plan on writing about this, as I’ve been exploring & the option of non-monogamy in my own relationship.)
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Q: What books/films have you watched/read recently that impacted your views on sex & sexuality?
(Want more recommendations? Check out my collection of things I find erotic.)
Two game-changing books on sex I love are Reclaiming Desire by Gina Ogden & Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity & Erotic Expression by Susie Bright.
Thanks for sharing yours!
xoxo
Thanks for the recommendations, Jess. Full Exposure sounds like a great read…
Ev’Yan, I am slowly and carefully watching you, ever since I first discovered your writings a few months ago. I haven’t got my feet off the bottom of the shallow end yet, but, you are gaining my trust with each post. Now trust is an over-whelming ‘issue’ for me…so you creating a safe place for this whole subject is…. just magical.
I feel your vulnerability, and awesome bravery. A humble thank you from a nervous ‘swimmer’ ….one day I may get to the deep end! :)
“Sirens” is a movie I’d definitely recommend. Although it didn’t tell me anything new or challenging, it is an eye-opening fictional piece that explores feminine sexuality, openness, and the relationship between sexuality and the Christian church.
I haven’t seen Orgasm, Inc. but the one thing I will say about FSD in the psychological community is that it’s not a problem unless you think it is. What that means is that no mental illness is actually diagnosable unless it causes the person distress or negatively affects the person’s ability to function. It’s actually one of the criteria to diagnose any mental illness in the DSM.
In the case of FSD, one of the criteria to diagnose it is “the disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.” That’s totally subjective. If it doesn’t bother you that you lack sex drive, then you don’t have FSD. If your partner has a higher sex drive than you, but you’ve found ways to work around that, regardless of what they are, you don’t have FSD.
I don’t know if it’s addressed in the movie, but I do appreciate that about the DSM. It’s only a diagnosable problem it negatively affects your life and you see it as one.
Great blog (found via blackgirlinmaine on twitter)
Two recommendations:
BONK, The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach is a great read.
The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, MD
These two books are a fascinating way to discover the latest science of sex and sexuality.
I was recently recommended a book by called Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Female Sexuality by Lisa M Diamond. It was recommended to me by a very well known sex therapist; I strongly recommend you check it out!
What a great list, thank you!
Seeing Shortbus in a theater full of people totally changed my movie-going experiences forever. Even if you can only watch it at home on your laptop, it’s a must see fictional piece by creator of Hedwig and the Angry Inch (another great one, of course).
Loved Shortbus! You’re not the first person to tell me to check out Hedwig & the Angry Inch. I’ll be sure to give that a look, too. :]
I consider myself pretty open when it comes to new ideas and philosophies, so Sex At Dawn is definitely a book I will check out! Even if I don’t agree, at the very least, it will give me and my boyfriend something interesting to discuss.
Just a side note: I love how you are so candid with your discussion of sex. It’s truly beautiful. It’s not often that women in our society speak freely about sex without the concern of being considered crude or inappropriate. I admire your bravery and openness.
I read the Ethical Slut my first summer out of high school, and it has definitely informed my views of love and sexuality. I’m very grateful to the creators for deconstructing what Seventeen and CosmoGirl had wrought– not that I was too screwed up to begin with, but it totally got my college years off on the right foot.
I swear I’m not Dan Savage’s PR person but just wanted to mention that he’s had Christopher Ryan as a guest on his podcast several times if you’d like to listen to more of what the author has to say. Sex at Dawn is a book I definitely plan on reading.
The Pillow Book was an important movie for me regarding sexuality. Seeing someone with a similar body type to my own (small-breasted, not curvy) as the object of Ewan McGregor’s affections was a wake-up call that I didn’t need to be big-busted and look Swedish to be sexually appealing. In recent years you see a lot more Asian or hapa women in films but in 1996 it wasn’t as common. I’d recommend renting it.
I found both Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and The Red Queen by Matt Ridley to be quite informative and thought-provoking in terms of what it is to be human and sexual.