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Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’ve been with my lover for eight (going on nine!) years now. The chemistry between us is as strong (if not stronger) as it was when we first got together. My mouth still waters whenever I desire him, my body still begs to crash into his, my hands continue to search for his skin.
I still manage to lust after him, even after all of these years.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what makes our union so passionate & the sex we have so hot & fun. At quick glance, it would appear that we’re just lucky, that we’ve somehow managed to win favor of the Goddess of Eros & we can coast along happily on relationship auto-pilot.
But when I sat down & talked to Jonathan about this, I realized that a lot of effort goes into making our sexual relationship feel so juicy. It’s not easy to keep the flames of passion alight in a long-term relationship. It requires continued nurturing—perhaps even more as the years go by. Jonathan & I are very active in stoking the flames of our sexual desire for one another.
And we don’t do these big lofty things. Our gestures of tending to this erotic fire are often small & simple (&, OK—a little cheesy). But they go a long way toward keeping us amorous & hot-to-trot for each other.
Here are 6 ways I actively keep the sex hot, novel, & fun in my long-term relationship.
1. Playfully explicit notes around the house.
I love writing cheeky poems & racy requests on sticky pieces of paper (as does Jonathan). I’ll put them anywhere he’ll find them: on his computer screen, underneath the toilet seat, in his underwear drawer, on the refrigerator.
I’ve been known to secretly jot down a few sexy sentences somewhere in the back pages of his notebook, which he’ll find months later, or scrawl my desire for him in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror.
And speaking of which. . .
2. Expressing my burning desire for him.
One of the things I’ve been exploring lately is using my voice to put words to what I sexually desire. Some might call this dirty talk, but I like to think it’s just a manner of expressing myself as a sexual woman.
Admittedly, this is new territory for me. I played the coy, shy little thing in our relationship for a long time before realizing (& honoring) my inner desire to speak from my erotic imagination.
And so I’ve been stretching myself. I tell him that I want him. I convey with innuendo what I want to do with him—all while trying to stand strong in my erotic womanly power & not cower into bashfulness.
*Try it! Use words to convey your desire, attraction, appreciate for your lover. Get graphic about why it is you’ve chosen them to be your partner. Stretch yourself & be descriptive.
3. Coming on to him.
Kind of piggy-backing what I said above, for a good portion of our relationship, I’ve assumed the “No, you come & get me!” position—a modest, timid nature that relied more on passivity than instigation. I’ve been comfy-cosy in this place for most of my life; it’s been my area of expertise, my default nature.
And I don’t know what happened, but somewhere along the way I began to notice my wildish nature, a side of me that could no longer go unacknowledged. So, I’ve been playing with it more—which, again, requires me to stretch myself, to get vulnerable, to take risks.
I can’t begin to write how incredibly Goddess-like I feel when I actively come on to my man, when I initiate a hot & sweaty make-out session, simply because that’s what my body / heart / self desires. And I know intuitively that he appreciates when I reveal my inner tenacious beast.
*Try it! Jump her bones in the kitchen. Initiate a passionate make-out session with him in the bathroom. Make the first move.
4. Spontaneous sexual excursions.
One evening, as we were beginning the engrossing voyage of sexual exploration, an idea sprang up in my mind. Out of nowhere, I broke away from his lips & with a smile on my face breathed, “Hold on, you stay right here. I’ll be back.”
This was in the summer, right in the middle of a heatwave that had swept through the city, & our bodies were already clinging to the sheets.
Scantily clad, I disappeared into the kitchen where I collected ice-cold mini fruits—blueberries, grapes, a few strawberries—& a tiny square of dark chocolate. I then went to one of my altars, collecting a feather, a smooth stone, & a flower I picked that day. I assembled these things on a platter & brought it back into the room with me—but not before I told him to close his eyes.
I then blindfolded him, telling him that I wanted him to just lie back & relax while I titillated his senses, feeding him juicy berries with my mouth, stroking his body, caressing his face with feathers, telling him to open his mouth while I plucked a tiny bit of chocolate on his tongue.
Over & over, I immersed him in this sensual experience of tasting, feeling, smelling, surrendering. . . which ignited incredible amounts of pleasureful tension & desire between the two of us.
Jonathan, by the way, throughly enjoyed every second of it.
I’ve since indulged in other impromptu sensual sessions with him, allowing myself to be spontaneous & get carried away by my own whim, flowing with my own sensual urges, & he’s been returning the favor.
*Try it! Surprise your partner with a spontaneous sexual excursion. Follow your erotic impulses—what would you like to do to them to immerse them in as much pleasure as possible?
4. Non-monogamy & indulging in secondary love.
I’m trying to adequately articulate how it is that my sex life & romantic partnership with my partner is made even more passionate by way of us having additional partners or flirtations. But it’s hard.
It shouldn’t work. It should, by what I’ve been taught about committed relationships & marriage, actually threaten our union & subtract sexual energy from us.
But somehow. . . it doesn’t. Somehow, knowing that my partner is plunging into flirtations & new sexual beginnings with someone other than me adds a new layer of erotic intensity between us. It creates novelty, excitement, arousal.
Obviously, it’s taken a lot of work to get us to this point & this requires a lot of upkeep to maintain a sense of trust, devotion, & spiritual fidelity. And while I’m not super touting non-monogamy as a way to bring liveliness back into others’ monotonous relationships (seriously: to each their own), it’s working beautifully for us.
*Try it! Start a hypothetical dialogue about open relationships with your honey. The Ethical Slut is a great resource for the curious. (Free PDF here!)
5. Keeping the television out of the bedroom.
I heard a statistic recently that couples who have a TV in their bedroom have half as much sex as couples who do not. Television is one of the biggest culprits of sexual inactivity (& I imagine this could also apply to laptops).
I can certainly attest to this. When Jonathan & I had our TV in our room, we were definitely having considerably less sexy time. It’s just way too easy to unconsciously lose ourselves in the mindless images moving across a screen & make that the default to unwinding.
Of all of the things on this list, this one has been the hardest for us to implement & stick to. But moving the television out of the room (& being conscious enough to opt out of turning it on that evening in the first place) has absolutely jump-started our sex life.
*Try it! Take the TV out of the room for a week. See what other things you two can get into without the boob-tube blaring.
6. Deep, committed eye-gazing.
There is nothing more intimate than locking eyes with my beloved & consciously, intentionally holding his gaze.
It can feel like sex, this intense eye-gazing. It can feel like an invitation to drop what I’m doing, drop what I’m thinking in that moment, & tune deeply to my partner’s energy, to his profound love / lust / attraction to me, to commit my eyes to his gaze.
It’s instantly connecting &, for someone who isn’t used to being seen with eyes flashing with unconditional love & total presence (i.e., me), it can be painfully vulnerable.
But what I like about this is that it’s simple enough to do anywhere; we can connect—& essentially “have sex”—while waiting for our food to get to our table, while one of us is on a call, while we’re getting ready to go to bed. So we can never use the excuse that we don’t enough time to connect.
There is always time. This is always an opportunity to create intimacy.
*Try it! Invite your beloved to look deeply into your eyes for one minute. Say nothing while you gaze. Try to convey your love for them with your eyes.