An Open Letter to Women Who Squirt

woman lying back in pink water

// photo by Edie Sunday

A study came out recently by way of the Journal of Sexual Medicine where a group of French researchers were trying to scientifically understand (i.e., debunk) the “controversial” nature & origin of squirting—a.k.a., female ejaculation.

What they found in their study of 7 women between the ages of 18-56 was this:

“[S]quirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity.”

Now, I have all kinds of problems with this study—their use of only 7 women in their research; their calling squirting “controversial”; & the implication that scientists know women’s bodies better than women know their bodies themselves. And I have even more of an issue with their findings (pee?—really, scientists? How about you tell that to my Skene’s gland).

But I’m not going to write about that (though I did have a nice vent on Facebook about this).

Instead, what I want to do is write a little letter of love & support to all the squirters on this planet. Because something tells me that this study will cause many women to feel goo-gobs of shame about their orgasm & question the way their body expresses pleasure.

So this is for them.
It’s also for me, a woman who squirts.

/ / /

Dear Women Who Squirt:

A study came out recently that says that your ejaculation—also called by the ancient Taoists ambrosia—is urine. You might be as pissed off about this as I am. Or maybe you feel confused because this doesn’t speak at all to your experience of orgasm.

Or. . . maybe you’re feeling a little grossed out & are inching toward never having a gushing orgasm again.

Here’s what I want to say to you, no matter what your response to this ridiculous news is:

Do not let scientists tell you about the way your beautiful womanly body expresses & experiences pleasure.

Don’t let doctors do it.
Don’t let psychologists do it.
Don’t let your boyfriend or your wife do it.

You are the expert of your body. You are the expert of your juicy orgasm. No one else.

Please, do not allow people with fancy degrees & uppercase letters after their names contradict what you inherently know to be true in your body, in your yoni. Do not let them impose their beliefs onto you.

Remember: It was doctors who told you that your clitoral orgasm was “immature.” It was doctors who continued to debate (& still do to this very day!) the existence of your g-spot & its orgasms. It was doctors who called your sexual urges a form of hysteria & prescribed hysterectomies as a cure.

So you see, scientists, doctors, psychologists, people of power, can be wrong.

Please don’t take their word for it.

Take your body’s word for it. That is the only voice that matters.

If anything anyone ever says about your orgasm sounds contrary to your own common sense & body experience—like that your orgasm is controversial—chuck it in the garbage.*

And please, continue to squirt. Continue giving yourself sweet, exquisite, incredible gushing orgasms—yes, even if it is urine (& it very most likely isn’t). That is one fun way to fight ignorance & falsehood.

But especially, celebrate your orgasm & the way that you come, whether it’s gushing or vaginal or clitoral or cosmic.

Sincerely yours,

Ev’Yan
(a woman who squirts)

*Which is precisely what I’m going to do with the information found in this study.

 

30DOS-announcement2

Reader Question: Clitoral Orgasm vs. Vaginal Orgasm

Sophia Wallace, Cliteracy

(art by Sophia Wallace)

Occasionally, I get a question from a reader that is compelling enough to become its own article. This is one of those questions.

Hi Ev’Yan,

Now that I’ve truly awakened my sensual self and am laying my sexual demons to rest, I am still having a difficult time achieving clitoral and/or vaginal orgasm… I think. And therein lies the problem.

Does clitoral and vaginal orgasm each feel different? Will it be a bigger sensation? A better sensation? Do all girls “squirt”?

My partner is wonderful, but he doesn’t think I’ve orgasmed. I’ve never even THOUGHT about getting off during sex until this partner. He’s tried a lot, and though I feel intense sensations, and have gotten that “Thumper” leg (like from Bambi). It’s still not an end goal of mine to get off during sex, never will be, but please help! If you can!

Thank you,
Tara

 

Tara—

Thank you for asking these great, juicy questions. I’m going to answer each of them individually, starting with the one that seems to be the most pressing (& was the subject line in your email to me) . . .

1. Am I orgasming?

Maybe! But it’s very difficult to say absolutely because neither I (nor your boyfriend, I might add) can tell you whether you’re coming or not. Only you will be able to know if you’re having an orgasm.

Simply put, an orgasm is a series of fast, rhythmic, involuntary muscle contractions on the pelvic floor. These contractions—which can also be felt throughout the vagina, uterus, perineum, & even the belly muscles—just so happen to be translated as pleasureful by our brains & nervous system.

I’d say that it’d be pretty hard to miss if you were having one, but here are some clues that you might be heading into the direction of orgasm:

  • Erect nipples & plumper breasts
  • Heavier breathing
  • Body feels hot, flushed, & may be making involuntary jerking movements
  • Vagina gets wet & becomes swollen
  • Lips (both on your mouth & your vulva) are engorged & puffy

Of course, these orgasmic cues are just the tip of the iceberg. And every body is different.

2. Do all women squirt?

No, not all women do.

I like to think that we are all physiologically are capable of squirting, that our bodies contain this particular capacity of sexual release, but the reality is that most of us don’t find ourselves in situations that foster that outcome.

Because for most, squirting—a.k.a., female ejaculation, gushing orgasm, ambrosia—is more than implementing a formula of “do this, & then that happens.” To be able to reach that height of pleasure requires trust & surrender between the giver & the receiver, as well as total relaxation, certain breathing techniques, & lots of foreplay.

For more on this & the art of female ejaculation, I recommend Saida Desilets’ book, Emergence of the Sensual Woman.

3. Do clitoral & vaginal orgasms each feel different?

The not-so-simple answer to this is Yes & No.

One the one hand, a “clitoral orgasm” (i.e., direct stimulation of the clitoris) are generally reported to feel more localised, & a “vaginal orgasm” (i.e., deep & internal stimulation of the vagina) feels more “bigger” & whole body. But (again!) every body is different &, truly, so is every orgasm. It’s pretty difficult to speak to how others might be experiencing their orgasms, but I can speak to my own.

For me personally, the intensity of my orgasm depends on a lot of things: what’s going on in my headspace & body; how I’m pleasuring myself & with what; who I’m sharing my body with & how comfortable / safe I feel to surrender to pleasure in front of them.

I’ve found that my orgasms are much more intense when I’m fully in my body, & less intense in sensation when I’m stuck in my head.

There are a lot of factors that come into play with orgasm, because we don’t just come with our bodies—we come by way of our minds, too. So our orgasm doesn’t solely depend on what’s happening in our outer world (what toys we’re using, what porn we’re watching, whether we’re sitting or laying down) but also what’s happening in our inner world (how we’re feeling emotionally, if we’re experiencing pleasure without shame, if we’re fully present in our bodies).

I’d also like to add that there are many, many, many types of orgasms out there, as women have access to incredible amounts of pleasure & a complexity of ecstasy. I love this part in Sheri Winston’s book Women’s Anatomy of Arousal where she talks about the many orgasms that exist in our bodies, ranging from mini spasm to waves of seemingly endless pleasure to “fierce, clutching, driving” orgasms with aftershocks.

To know which is which (or whether you’re coming at all), your task is to intimately learn your body & the way it responds to pleasure.

Now, here’s where it gets really interesting.

The “vaginal” orgasm is widely considered to be a myth. And this is why.

The term “vaginal orgasm” was created & perpetuated by male, misogynistic psychologists ages ago, for the sole purpose of dumbing down female sexuality & pushing their anti-female sexuality agenda. These psychologists stated that a “real” orgasm was one that came through vaginal intercourse only, & that any orgasm that came from clitoral stimulation alone was illegitimate & “immature.”

For instance, views like these are what started the vaginal orgasm myth:

“. . . whenever a woman is incapable of achieving an orgasm via coitus, provided the husband is an adequate partner, & prefers clitoral stimulation to any other form of sexual activity, she can be regarded as suffering from frigidity & requires psychiatric assistance.”

—Frank S. Caprio, M.D., from his book The Sexually Adequate Female, 1953

And some very interesting (& harmful) things came from the passing down of this inaccurate information. The notion of “frigidity” was born, which originally meant to describe any woman who cannot achieve vaginal orgasms. Women began to see themselves as broken & sought psychological help, sometimes even surgery.

It is because of these very harmful beliefs that so many women seek to find the female equivalent of Viagra to fix their “female sexual dysfunction.”

similarities of the clitoris & penis; click to enlarge.

But the truth is that the interior of the vagina is not exactly primed for ultra-sensitive pleasure the way the clitoris is.

So, essentially, there is only one orgasm—clitoral. And essentially, this is where all orgasms come from. It just might feel like they come from other areas (from deep within the vagina, for instance) because the clitoris happens to be more than a tiny little button but actually a vast sexual network that reaches up into your abdomen area & wraps itself around your vagina.

If that little tidbit of information did just blow your mind, I’ll say it once more with feeling:

Your clitoral body is huge! Its erections easily rival that of any man’s! Yes, that’s right—you get erections, too! And they’re enormous! 

(Which, since we’re on the subject, I should point out that the clitoris is basically the female equivalent of a penis.)

So. The vaginal orgasm is an internal clitoral orgasm.

This is powerful news, because it means you’ve (we’ve!) now got an even better understanding of how the female body experiences pleasure. It also means that our capacity for pleasure is much more vast than what we can see with our eyes.

Amazing!

So, in light of all of this interesting information, I’d like to encourage you to do a few things:

(1) Continue to explore your orgasm. Become an expert on how you get off. Listen keenly to the incredibly wise & intelligent voice that is your body. Educate yourself on the amazingness that are your sexual organs (see some helpful resources below to get you started).

(2) Have a conversation with your boyfriend. Show him this post. He likely questions whether you’re coming because of ages-old ideas & portrayals of what the female orgasm is “supposed” to look like. More people need to be educated about this, but men especially need to as they are often the unknowing perpetrators of the vaginal orgasm myth.

(3) Remember that your orgasm is your own. Ditch any notion that it “should” look or feel a particular way. I guarantee that you’ll find orgasmic liberation by intimately knowing how your body responds & experiences pleasure.

 / / /

HELPFUL RESOURCES

// The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm (article)
// Adult Sex Ed: The G-Spot* (video)
// The Internal Clitoris (article)
// 3DVulva.com
// Women’s Anatomy of Arousal (free PDF!)
// Orgasm Inc. (video)
// Four women describe their clitoral, vaginal, anal, & g-spot orgasms* (article)
// “The question isn’t if female ejaculation isn’t real. . .” (article)

* NSFW

Edited to add: A good friend of mine put me on to another fascinating truth about the female body: That our cervixes can also be a pleasure center & source for orgasm. So, while it’s true that the vaginal orgasm is likely a clitoral one, there’s also a possibility that the vaginal orgasm could be an A-spot (or cervical) orgasm. Again—our potential for pleasure is huge!

Read more about the “Second Clitoris” here.

What Sexual Liberation Is & Isn’t—Starting With Beyoncé

beyonce

Beyoncé, to me, embodies sexual liberation. But hers isn’t the only actualization. . . // via We Heart It

I’ve been writing about my sexual awakening & experiences here for almost four years, & it’s taken me in as much time to understand that sexual liberation isn’t just about having great sex with multiple orgasms, nor is it about finding the perfect sex toy or having a sexual relationship with someone who deeply values & respects your sexuality (although, all of these things can come from sexual liberation).

No, sexual liberation is about your right, as a sexual, sensual being, to choose how you’d like your sexuality to be brought into the physical world. It’s about empowering yourself to demolish any “should” that comes attached to erotic expression that doesn’t suit you, & making for yourself an actualization of your erotic self that leaves you feeling unhindered.

Sexual liberation is about sexual agency, self-respect, & intimately knowing yourself & what it is you want.

There’s a misconception about sexual liberation being or looking like the manifestation of a Beyoncé song (for instance), where the sex seems constant, the orgasms plentiful, & the fantasies limitless. But one very liberating realization I’ve made recently is that how liberated I am sexually should not be measured by how many times or people I have sex in a month, or how many orgasms I give myself when I masturbate (if I masturbate).

I’ve been doing myself (& my sexual expression) a huge disservice by thinking that I need to be relentlessly amorous in order for my sexual liberation to stay current & intact. Many of my clients have as well. Whenever we get on this topic of sexual expression & the shoulds that often come with them, the first question I like to ask my client is this:

In an ideal world, with (or without) your ideal partner, how would you express your sexuality?

Sometimes multiple orgasms & daily sack sessions make it into that brainstorm, but usually what they’re hankering for is an ability to choose. An ability to choose to fuck their man’s brains out if they want to or to choose chocolate cake over sex if they want to. An ability to choose to own their love of masturbation or to choose celibacy as a form of self-care. An ability to choose to be a sex-lovin’, orgasm-craving woman and to also feel OK when they’re not horny all the time.

What they’re seeking is permission to be the truth of who they are (or who they want to be) as sexual beings.

That’s what it really means to be sexually liberated—to be the truth of who you are as a sexual being. Not someone else’s truth, but yours—unwaveringly, unapologetically.

And this is great news, because that truth can look however you want it to, however you need it to; a plethora of different ways—just as long as it’s on your terms; just as long as it feels good in your body, & that it doesn’t force you to become someone you’re not; just as long as it honors your natural rhythms & keeps you emotionally protected.

And the most beautiful part? When you allow yourself to be the truth of who you are sexually, you can then blossom & open erotically in ways you might not have if you were to hold onto preconceived notions about what your sexuality is supposed to look like. I’ve seen it happen—with my clients & with my own self. It’s that beautiful paradox of letting go in order to fully embrace. A win-win-win.

If you’re just beginning your sexual liberation journey & are wondering what that truth of your sexual expression looks like, dive deeper with these introspective questions:

How do I want to express my innate, unique sexuality?
What “shoulds” do I want to erase from my erotic expression?
Who do I want to be as a sexual being?
What boundaries would I like to create to keep myself emotionally & physically safe sexually?

Which components would I like to be included in my sexual expression: Kink? Tantra? Non-monogamy? Celibacy? None of the above?
What does sexual liberation look like / feel like to me?

/ / /

If you want to go even deeper in your sexual liberation journey . . .

I’m so ready for you. I’m seeking to add three new brave women to my sexual liberation coaching practice. For the next three months, you & me will work intimately together to help get you out of sexual shame & step into your erotic power, + more.

We’ll talk about your inhibitions & how to embrace your wildish nature. We’ll talk about your capacity to desire & how to honor your natural rhythms. I’ll hold loving space, you’ll show up fully, ready to transform. (Investment: $400/month)

Everything you need to know about my sexual liberation coaching program can be found here. But if something inside of you is saying Yes, please!, even if it’s barely a whisper, I invite you to submit an application to save your spot.

apply-now

(Note: Only 3 spots available!)

So many women make their erotic life the last thing that gets their loving attention. And what I’ve seen is that when we finally put our sexuality into the limelight, when we finally give it the nurturing & exploration it deserves, everything else—work, relationships, spirituality—falls beautifully in place. I hope you’ll apply!

11 Erotic Intentions I’m Making for 2015

On New Year’s Eve, I sat crosslegged in my Goddess Space, with super-chill music playing in my ears, & worked gingerly through my Review, Reflect, Release workbook.

When I came to the section about creating intentions for the new year, I wrote down all kinds of random big wishes: APL (arm-pit length) hair; get further into a zero-waste lifestyle; make more terrariums; go out dancing; more books, less television.

I covered all bases: my business endeavors, my well-being, my creative life, & also my erotic life.

Every year, I make an effort to give my erotic life a little airtime in my intention-making process, but this year I wanted to dedicate an entire list to my sexy, sensual, & lewd intentions.

Here’s eleven of them.

1. Masturbate once a week.
2. Continue to explore my bisexuality—maybe get a girlfriend?*
3. Try strap-on sex.
4. Release shame around not having sex when I “should.”
5. More period sex.
6. Tune in better to my erotic desires & initiate sex more often.
7. Find good, hot porn to watch with my man.
8. More morning sex.
9. Sexual education—read more, teach more.
10. Go to Club Sesso (or any sex party / club).
11. Explore ritual & intention in sex.

*Accepting applications all year. (Kidding. Kind of.)

What intentions are you making for your erotic life in 2015? Tell me.

A Fun Little Way to Say Farewell to 2014: Review, Reflect, & Release

NYE

Arnsdorf SS11 Crystal Pattern // RoAndCo

I like to keep it low-key & easy on New Year’s Eve, & spend the final moments of the year in quiet celebration.

I have a few traditions on New Year’s Eve: Cooking a soul food meal for me & my man (greens & black eyed peas symbolize financial prosperity & abundance), a Twilight Zone marathon, & sitting down to do my personal review ritual.

My review ritual looks a little like this:

Before: A few hours before the new year, retreating to my Goddess Space & creating an intention to review & honor the year that’s about to pass; journals on the floor, candles lit, incense burning, music blasting; breathing mindfully.

During: Slowly & gently going back in time through the last 12 months; welcoming all feelings that surface with the memories—pain, joy, excitement, grief; a breath reserved for mourning what’s been lost, a breath reserved for the goodness to come; writing, writing, writing until there’s nothing left.

Afterward: Peace. Gratitude. Lightness. Bubbling optimism. Ready to wholeheartedly welcome in another glorious year.

2014 was one of the most challenging, brutal, beautiful years that I’ve had in a long time.

And I’m a little superstitious in that I believe that in order for me to step fully into the new year & receive all of the incredible goodness it holds, I need to honor what has been & clear the slate.

My review ritual feels a lot like planting a garden. It’s about getting the lay of the land that once was & preparing it for new growth—pulling weeds, sifting through dirt & rock & old roots & worms, & clearing space to make a home for new life.

And that’s there this workbook comes in.

I created a workbook for you based off of my personal end of the year ritual, one that’ll help you review, reflect, & release 2014 so you can welcome all the goodness of 2015 with clean energy & a clear conscience.

2014 : Review, Reflect, Release — A Retrospective Year-End Workbook

PreviewThis workbook serves as a heartfelt tribute to 2014. It’ll guide you in re-evaluating, celebrating, & letting go of the old year so that you can step fully into the potential & newness of 2015.

FEATURES . . .

// 31 pages of fun questions for reminiscing & meditating on 2014
// three pages dedicated to the creation of soulful intentions for 2015
// sections about your creativity, body, milestones, & exquisite self
// a guide on how to do a releasing ritual to keep the past in the path
// a new year’s prayer from me to you
// & lots more!

Work through it digitally, or print it out & put pen to paper.

Whatever you choose to do, it’s a perfect way to close out the old year & welcome in the new. (Price: $8)

buynow-mini

 

SOME UNFILTERED LOVE FOR THE WORKBOOK:

“Oh my gooooodness. In love love with this workbook + downright obsessed with the title you gave it. PERFECTION! I’m skimming through it just to get a sense of it now, and honestly, Ev’Yan, I can already say that THIS is the reflection work I have been searching for. The questions/sections are on POINT, and I’m just going to pretend that you wrote this workbook juuuust for me ‘cuz that’s what it feels like. I’ve downloaded 8 bajillion “workbooks” this month to fuel my reflection, but this takes the cake. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.” —Emily D.

/ / /

Here’s the truth: My intention for December work-wise was to not start anything new, to take a break from creation & let the year wind down quietly. But my Creative Muses had other plans, & I obliged.

I not only created this for you, I created this myself too (I’ll be working through this workbook right along with you on New Year’s Eve).

I had so much making this, & I really hope you enjoy it.

Wishing you a gorgeous, thrilling, sensual new year.

With love,

Ev'Yan-signature

(P.S. If you dig the workbook, please share the love—with my thanks!)

(P.P.S. 2015—You’re mine.)