8 Things I’ve Learned About Sex After 8 Years of Fucking the Same Guy

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close // quibe

Recently I celebrated eight years of partnership with my counterpart, Jonathan Mead.

I am in a state of awe about this. It’s such a blessing (& nearly miraculous!) to be with someone for this long; to, in spite of the tough spots & crazy transitions, still feel incredibly in love & turned on by him—even after nearly a decade.

The relationship Jonathan & I have forged together is one of my greatest accomplishments. It has taught me so much & has allowed me to come home to my truest self.

And the sex. . . The sex gets more ecstatic every year.

In honor of the 2,930+ days we’ve spent committed to each other, here are a few things I’ve learned about sex & sexuality by way of our relationship.

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1. There ain’t nothing prudish about the Missionary Position.

There’s a whole lot of emphasis put on the more zesty, exciting-to-look-at sex positions, like “The Torrid Tug of War” or “The Erotic Accordion,” but I’ve found that one of the most tried & true ways to get us both off is the good ‘ol vanilla missionary position.

The way I can gaze deeply into his eyes; the feel of our bellies pressed together, skin to skin; the ease of the position as a whole (not a lot of energy is being exerted in holding & moving in an unnatural position). . . Missionary is the most underrated of sex positions, & is one of my favorites (with “69” coming in at a very, very close second).

2. Sex is much more pleasurable when I’m in a high state of arousal.

One book I read this year that completely changed my erotic life was Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston. In it, I learned that my uterus (& yours too, if you have one) moves in different positions depending on what state of arousal I’m in.

During non-arousal, the uterus stays where it usually is, but in high-level arousal, the uterus actually moves upwards & out of the way, making other pleasurable nerve centers exposed & ready to play.

I’ve always been puzzled about why it is that “pounding” sex never felt good for me. And it turns out that this is why: I’ve been having sex without being fully aroused, thus his pounding was actually knocking into my cervix! No wonder.

Now that Jonathan & I have been properly educated about the way my body & clitoral erectile network operates, sex (& the pounding) is much more pleasurable & not at all painful.

3. Consent is still important, & asking for what you want is key.

Conventional thinking led me to believe that one conversation about sexual preferences is enough, & that if there’s a problem with the way things are going your partner will tell you, otherwise you can keep going along like you have been—a kind of “set it & forget it” approach to relationship.

But one thing I’ve learned is that consent is a living, evolving contract. It needs to be revisited & renewed, as a Yes today maybe be a No tomorrow. So Jonathan & I have made a consistent effort to ask each other for permission & check in to make sure we’re still on the same page sexually.

We don’t do this every moment we’re in the throes of passion, but we do keep a continued line of communication going about our needs by asking for what we want.

Most of the time, as far as consent goes, the answer is usually Yes, which leads to more Yes’s in the future.

4. Non-monogamy makes the lust grow stronger.

It seems counterintuitive (& it is) but there’s been a level of novelty that has entered our relationship because of the practice & exploration of non-monogamy. There is something very tantalizing about the way my partner desires another—& vice versa.

I love watching him flirt & be flirted with. I love hearing about the way he finds other people beautiful, about his sexual attractions to them. When I see my lover openly & unashamedly engaging in desire with others, I desire him. Because his desiring others blatantly shows me his autonomy, & it is that autonomy that attracted me to him in the first place.

There’s also something about watching him flirt with someone & knowing that he is making a conscious choice to come home with me. He could be with anyone else in the world, but he chooses me, actively, over & over. I appreciate that. And that appreciation transforms into heart-melty, puddle-of-lusty feelings on my part.

5. Orgasm is great! But not the point.

When I entered our relationship, I had a very dysfunctional relationship with sex. I was dealing with all kinds of shame & faked my orgasm constantly—not just because I didn’t know what I needed in order to access it, but because I thought that faking it is what women do, that all sex is is just theatrics & pantomime.

A frustrating way of seeing sex for the both of us—he was frustrated that I wasn’t coming & blaming himself for it, & I was resentful of him for even wanting to have sex with me since I didn’t enjoy it anyway.

But I had an idea once to take orgasm out of the equation in sex, & to instead sit back & enjoy the dance of erotic energy & see what happened. Like (almost) clockwork, my orgasm arrived out of nowhere, which proved to me that I just needed to get out of the way of it.

That getting out of the way was the hardest part, by the way, because it meant that I had to change my relationship to orgasm, a task that isn’t capable of being resolved over night. So I started small by beginning to enter sex with the mindset that orgasm was not the point—that opening to pleasure & creating a safe environment to experiment erotically was.

And I haven’t faked it since.

6. Tantric sex is boring. . . & awesome.

I’ve tried many, many times to dig in to the sacred aspect of sex, to educate myself on & practice tantric breathing & holy sex positions & kundalini energy. But whenever I begin to sit down & read through the spiritual jargon, I can feel my head begin to tighten & strain.

It’s all so technical. And so boring.

I used to think that tantric sex was for seasoned practitioners, but a whole new world of exploring sex magic has been opened to me now that I understand that it is available to all. All we need to do is set the intention & create sacred space.

Jonathan & I have been slowly exploring the sacred in sex over the last year, starting small with mini rituals & getting curious about the basics, like mindfulness, breath work, & deep eye-gazing. When we play lightly with tantra, keeping it feeling easeful & down-to-earth, suddenly our breaths are synced & our bodies are writhing rhythmically like snakes & we’re coming from all of our chakras.

That’s when it’s awesome.

Otherwise. . . to sit down & devote serious time to study tantric sex is snooze-worthy. For now.

7. Good porn (that suits both of our preferences) is hard to find.

We used to watch porn together. We’d go to the nearest indie video store & venture down into their “18+ only” section to find an erotic video that would get us both off. We even had a membership at one point to a porn site whose films suited both of our needs. Those were the days.

These days, however, it’s become increasingly difficult to find porn that we both want to watch.

It’s mostly because of me. I’ve become very, very picky about the porn that I watch. If there’s even just a hint of unrealism to the film, my arousal deflates & I begin to view it with the eyes of a critic rather than a deviant.

I want girl/girl porn that is not being performed through the male gaze. I want guy/girl porn between people of color that doesn’t reek of racism or fetishizement. I want queer porn that doesn’t involve kink. I want to watch men get off solo without homophobic ideals or beef-cake tones.

Jonathan is a simpler man. It seems as though his wants & needs to get off are easily found by the ready-made labels on porn sites. Porn that gets the average man off is easy to find (& make). Porn that delights & arouses the political, ethical, pragmatic horny feminist (i.e., me) is apparently not.

This one is a work in progress. I haven’t given up hope; I still desire to make viewing porn a shared experience. But until I find something that we both will enjoy, we’ll keep it to ourselves.

8. Sex is hotter when you break the rules.

I used to only associated sexy time with nighttime. Morning sex (or afternoon sex) felt nearly sacrilegious & not within the right rhythm. Jonathan, on the other hand, can have sex anytime of the day, anytime of the week. My preferences somehow out-won his, & the only sex we had for a lot of years was right before we went to bed.

And then one day. . . I wanted him right after breakfast. No reason for it other than that I was madly desirous. So I had him—on the couch on a Sunday morning, & it was hot. Not just because it was spurred by my vicious longing, but because we were breaking the rules.

We never had sex in daylight, let alone outside of our bedroom. It went against everything I’d ever known, but my goodness. . . was it delicious. And the sheer deliciousness of it made me seek out other moments of sexual spontaneity.

Now, we fuck in the afternoon in between client calls. Or right before I begin to make dinner in the kitchen. We flirt & grope as we pass each other in the hallway, & send each other explicit emoji sequences via text when we’re co-working with others.

I should say here that it is not just by the grace of God that my sex life slightly mimics a Beyoncé song. He & I actively choose to make & keep our erotic life novel & exciting. Not all the time, of course—it’s simply not sustainable to “be all night” every moment of everyday. But we’ve seen the importance of taking the sexiness out of the bedroom & spreading it in other areas of our lives (& house).

So our mission has been to make the mundane sexy—which yields for some very interesting stories shared amongst my girlfriends with a bottle wine.

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8 things Jonathan has learned from fucking me. . .

I asked, he answered, & I love him for it.

1. Absence makes the cock grow harder. And the nipples. And the clitoral erectile network.
2. Preparation (lighting, music, incense, massage) makes magic.
3. But sometimes the magic is just in the way you show up.
4. Dark energy and the unexplored edges are the juiciest and most terrifying.
5. Trust and surrender are the openings to yogic sex.
6. Even an “okay” fuck is still a good fuck.
7. Connection > Orgasm.
8. Following the erotic energy where it wants to go is always better than staying attached to plans and expectations. Always.

Let’s Get Sensual! My Sensuality E-course is Open & Ready to Play

It’s finally here! My sensuality e-course, 30 Days of Sensuality, is open for registration.

And what an auspicious day to do it on, too.

Today, the moon is full in Taurus, which is all about slowness, feminine power, earthly pleasures, & sensuality. The tone is perfectly set for us to pamper ourselves, to engage with our senses, to be present to all the gorgeousness on this planet & in our bodies.

It’s a juicy day—can you feel it?

Perfect for launching my sensuality e-course.

(Yes, this was planned—kind of. I knew a month ago that today was going to be a full moon, but I didn’t realize it until yesterday that it was perfectly aligned with sensuality. Synchronicity!)

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30 Days of Sensuality is a four-week e-course on the art & reclamation of your sensual nature. It’s mission is to get you to slow down & experience the full range of sensual pleasure in your body by way of thirty course prompts.

Each prompt will challenge you to go deeper in your sensual practice & invite you to playfully explore your capacity to feel & enjoy.

Everything you need to know about the e-course is here, but here’s the quick ‘n dirty:

  • one sensual course prompt sent to your inbox daily for four weeks
  • two group coaching calls with me & other sensualists
  • simple, fun, & playfully bold assignments that’ll get you out of your head & into your body
  • a private, members-only forum
  • potent journal prompts that’ll get your juices flowing
  • love & email support
  • resources & inspiration to keep you sensually connected after the course is complete
  • a special surprise bonus, hand-crafted by yours truly

INVESTMENT: $150
(Or. . . two payments of $75)

// CLICK to register for 30 Days of Sensuality \\

 

“I am beginning to inhabit parts of my body that I haven’t inhabited before.”

I came to the course to silence the lies within my body and to intently listen to the flow of the rhythms within. 30 Days of Sensuality gave me permission to delve into the fullness of who I am. It filled me with vibrancy and appreciation for myself, for the subtleties of sensuality and life, and encouraged me to boldly take up space. —Lesley

 

I’m one of those people who believes in serendipity, that everything happens for a reason greater than what we can readily see with our mortal eyes.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that on the day that I open registration for my sensuality e-course, the stars & planets are flawlessly aligned to support the beginning of this work. Literally, the moon is heralding that it is time to give attention (& intention) to our senses & their ability to feed us pleasureful moments.

And I couldn’t be more thrilled to be the one helping you find your way.

My deepest calling is to help you reclaim your capacity to be sensual for yourself & own it fully as a part of your wild, beautiful, erotic womanhood.

30 Days of Sensuality is fueled by that mission, + a little extra.

This course has been four years in the making, & I don’t know if I can find the words to express to you how excited I am that it’s ready to be shared with you.

But I’ll try.

I am bowled over.
I am fired up.
I am over-the-moon ecstatic to help coax you back into your sensual nature.

Let’s begin together underneath this gorgeous full moon.

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PS! Some important things you should know:

  • To keep the group close-knit, there are only 20 spots available.
  • Registration is open for 24 hours only. (Ends @ 12a Pacific on November 7th.)
  • A payment plan is available for those who want to pay in increments.

Sound good? Let’s begin.

Sensuality is Your Birthright

Press play above to listen to me read this article aloud to you. Player not showing? Click here.

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(Note: This is a continuation of a previous post.)

Sensuality is the vibrancy of every moment. It is an invitation for you to open wider, to tune in closely, to be present actively.

Sensuality is connection—connection to your surroundings, connection to your body & inner rhythms, connection to what feels good.

Sensuality is instinct, primal enjoyment. When you are engaged in sensuality, you listen keenly with your senses. Time slows, inhibitions lower, & pleasure expands your body.

Without sensuality, your life would be dull, mechanical, unfeeling. And you feel deeply.

Sensuality lives in your breath, in the soles of your feet, on the tip of your tongue, & in the sacred voice of your intuition.

I believe that you don’t need to be taught how to be sensual; it is inherently within you & within this moment. You only need to open to your natural capacity to feel & sense & be.

I believe that sensuality is your birthright, that moments of slowness, presence, & inner listening are imperative for embodied living.

I believe that sensuality is easily accessible, that every breath is an opportunity for you to experience the sensual & awaken fully to this gorgeous moment—even if it’s filled with busyness or chaos.

I believe that sensuality is yours for the taking. All you need to do is give yourself permission to play.

If you want to be sensual. . .

1. Breathe—deeply, consciously.
2. Go slowly.
3. Seek pleasure wherever you are, in whatever you’re doing.
4. Open yourself to the richness & fullness of each moment.
5. Develop an intimate kinship to the desires of your heart & body.
6. Indulge in loving self-care.
7. Go inward & ask what it is you want.
8. Explore your capacity to feel & experience pleasure.
9. Trust your body & intuition, & their ability to guide you.
10. Consciously make space for your senses to open you. . .

 . . . to this gorgeous moment, to the depths of your ability to feel, to the pleasure you know your body is capable of.

But especially: Give yourself permission to play.

 

30DOS-announcement

This Thursday, my sensuality e-course, 30 Days of Sensuality, is opening for registration.

30 Days of Sensuality is an online course on the art & reclamation of your sensual expression. For four weeks, & with me as your guide, you & I will go on a voyage of sensual awakening.

In this class, we’ll get out of our heads & into our bodies; we’ll experiment & experience; we’ll open to our capacity to feel pleasure. And at the end, you’ll finally be able to (re)claim the word sensual as yours.

If you’ve ever wanted to claim the word sensual as yours; if you’d like to live fully through your beautiful senses; if you are ready to come home to yourself. . .

This course was made exquisitely for you.

>> Click for a sneak peek. . .

Sunflowers & Make-Believe: Discovering My Sensuality As a Child

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sunflower // annemiek groenhout

One of the fondest memories I have is when my sister & I were kids & used to play in our backyard & pretend we were Pocahontas. We created teepees out of pine trees with low hanging branches—we each had our own designated spot—& the the two of us would get on our hands & knees in the desert dirt to nurture the little plants (i.e., weeds) to grow with water & song.

Our stuffed animals were the woodland creatures, our clothes (old rags & blankets my mom didn’t need anymore) were animal skins, & we would dance in our fortresses in our bare feet, stomping ceremoniously on pine needles & dirt clumps. We’d make mudpies & leafy vegetable soups, & pretend to stoke bonfires with tiny twigs as kindling & a magnifying glass to create small billows of stinky smelling smoke.

Once, a sunflower randomly sprouted in my teepee, & over the next few months I watched with wonder as it transformed from bland stalk to brilliant blossom. One day, out of sheer curiosity I crouched down & plucked one of the tiny black seeds out of bloom & ate it. It was so delicious, unlike any sunflower seed I had ever had, & I spent the rest of the summer lying underneath that sunflower & slowly eating its seeds one by one right out of the bloom.

Those moments I spent in my “teepee” as a child, making up songs & nibbling fresh sunflower seeds, were some of the most sensual of my life.

I was never taught about sensuality as a kid. I was familiar with my senses, that was a lesson I was given at great length, but what it meant to be sensual was never touched on. I can’t even recall hearing the word sensuality until I was far older (& when I did it was attached very sloppily to sex).

But clearly, I was a sensual girl, naturally; I didn’t need to be taught, it was innately within me—all I needed was curiosity explore & time to play, & I had more of those things than I needed. Especially time. Minutes traveled much slower when I was a little girl, & I seemed lose myself in every second of what  I was doing—playing, creating, make-believing—while savoring every single moment.

Fast forward to now. . . Gone are the days of lying on my belly to watch ants commute to their homes. I find myself moving so fast in a world that moves even faster than I, & time is of the essence. There’s shit to be done, commitments to fulfill, & deadline to meet. My to-do list often tries to dictate the way I live my days.

Of course, in these moments of fastness, self-care gets thrown out the window. I forget to eat. My temper is short, my patience sparse. Everything feels hurried, detached, helter-skelter.

When I am disconnected from my body & senses, life merely becomes a sequence of events rather than rich, well-savored moments.

And I deeply desire the well-savored moments.

I want to get my hands dirty. I want embraces to overwhelm me with love & warmth. I want to lose myself in moments of creation, without distraction. I want the sex I have to transfigure & swoon all of my senses. I want spaciousness & pauses & sighs of pleasure.

I want to taste every note of sweetness in moment, in the same way I nibbled tiny sunflower seeds in my fortress as a little girl—with slowness & indulgence.

It’s very clear to me: The enjoyment of my life depends very heavily on my ability to slow down, to embody, to feel a connection to the world around me.

That, in essence, is sensuality. And I believe that it is my birthright. Yours, too.

So, how do we get there? How do we, inhabitants of a fast-moving world & participants in a culture that doesn’t always foster living with our senses, get back to our birthright? What does that look like in practice?

I’ll tell you. In the next post.

Reader Question: What If My Man Refuses to Have Sex With Me on My Period?

After I published my last article, my inbox was flooded with emails from readers who joyously professed their love of period sex & gave a resounding “Hell yes!” to the notion of destigmatizing menstruation (which, Hell yes!).

There was also another sentiment that was expressed over & over: “I love period sex! But my partner hates it.”

One gal asked for my personal input on it, & with her permission I’ve decided to post her question & my answer here. It’s very obvious that this is something that many of us can relate to.

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Ev’Yan—

I can’t tell you how many times I have felt revved up, sexual, goddess-like, ON FIRE with sensuality during my cycle and yet – stalled – by the circumstances.

It’s not that I have a problem with [period sex], but my partner finds it appalling. I totally understand his feelings (especially because he is still coming to terms with HIS sexuality and urges) but I can’t help but think it might be a really great time for me to engage.

Do I just relinquish my desires and respect his feelings? Is there a conversation or perspective that may spur his curiosity? Has your lover always been pro-period sex?

Ashley H.

 

Ashley,

Your partner is absolutely entitled to his preference of not liking period sex, just as other women are right to dislike it themselves. But one thing I will say is that many of us don’t often form our own opinions around sexual matters, & instead end up going with harmful, archaic beliefs that we haven’t consciously subscribed to, simply because that’s the way it’s always been.

With that said, I’m curious to know. . . why does your partner really find period sex—&, I’m assuming, your period in general—appalling? What is the true source of his disdain? These would be great questions to ask him, too; not in a badgering way, but with genuine curiosity & in the hopes of starting a much needed dialogue.

And if his answer is, “Well, because it’s gross,” that might be a cue to dig deeper.

Our culture has done a collective number on the minds of women & men surrounding bloody vaginas, & lots of misinformation & fear-mongering has been in place about menstruating women for thousands of years. The Bible, for one, has some pretty strong opinions about the “impurity” of menstruating women; the Qu’ran, too.

And given those opinions, it’s no wonder your man finds the idea of period sex “appalling.” Men are afraid of our moon blood because they don’t understand it. They don’t even really talk about it beyond the occasional sarcastic (& sometimes sexist) remark. It’s just not in their language.

What men need most (all people, really) is to be educated about women’s bodies, to be given accurate information about the magic that goes on down there. After all, he’s fucking you; he should know the ins & outs, the good & the bloody, of your body

And for our parts, we women need to stop seeing menstruation as a women-folk only topic, & include the dudes in the conversation. That means no more hiding our tampon boxes or downplaying our pain or belittling our innate sensitivity during that time of our cycle. We need to be proud, not ashamed, of our bleeding vaginas. (Tweet that if you dare!)

When that happens, the men in our lives can begin their own feminine enlightenment.

As Inga Muscio says:

“Society fails to acknowledge that our bleeding cycle affects men’s lives tremendously . . . . Sometimes men are surrounded on all sides by cranky, bleeding cunts!”

Indeed, & they have little to no conception of what it is they—the bleeding cunts—actually do besides bleeding profusely & causing us to act differently once a month. We, the women they love & fuck, can help change that.

So, educate him. Start the dialogue. Tell him why it is you want to fuck him when you’re on your period. Ask him questions. Let him see your blood. Give him an idea of what’s going on in your body when you menstruate, & not just the gruesome tales, but of the natural, beautiful phenomenon that is your body, which is inherently synced to the rhythms & cycles of the moon.

He should know how awesome period sex is for the both of you, about some of the super awesome benefits (that he gets to be a part of!) like. . .

// Did you know that when you orgasm on your period, the contracting of your uterus helps relieve cramps, but also aids in expelling blood & tissue which helps end your period sooner?

// Orgasm while menstruating also releases lovely little chemicals in your brain that helps reduce period pain & elevates your mood.

// Because of the increased blood flow to your pelvic region during menstruation, every inch of your body is incredibly sensitive, making pleasure & sensation heightened. So you might feel sex much more intensely than if you weren’t bleeding.

// &, of course: No need for lube.

Or you can just let him watch this powerful spoken word performance by Dominique Christina, which just might turn him into a raving Bloodhound (no, seriously, this is a thing).

In any case, knowledge is power, & his having sex with you while you’re bleeding powerfully demonstrates not only his level of maturity, but an understanding & acceptance of the female body.

With all of that splendid information & period positivity, he might be willing to give period sex a go, or to at least entertain the idea (curiosity is better than indifference). Here’s some tips & tricks that’ll help make period sex easy-peasy for you both:

  • Before getting it on, put a dark colored towel underneath you to both catch the stains & hide them. (I should point out here that period sex is never as bloody as you think it’ll be, & he might be very surprised by how little of a mess is actually made.)
  • Or, turn the process of readying for bloody sex into a sensual ritual as one of my readers’ partners did. Light candles, nibble on chocolate together, turn on some good music.
  • Our flow tends to be lighter when laying on our backs, so you might try sticking to the missionary position.
  • If the sight of blood makes him squeamish, do it in the dark. Another reader of mine suggested blindfolding him, making the experience playfully sexy & fun.
  • Or. . . do it in the shower.
  • Or. . . have him wear a condom.
  • Or, try period sex on the last day when your flow is at its lightest. That way, he can dip a toe in & see how he feels about it without jumping into the deep end of the river. (Puns everywhere!)

Now, if after all this your partner is still totally not cool with the idea of period sex, no matter if the lights are off & a condom is on & you’re both in the shower, that’s quite alright; everyone’s got their preferences. You’ll just have to ask yourself how much of a deal breaker not having period sex is for you, if it’s something you can live without (many women do).

My deepest hope, though, is that with enough open, unabashed chatter about bleeding vaginas & what they do, the men in our lives will begin to feel less squicked out by menstruation & more open to the idea of kneeling at our red gates.

After all, if they’re choosing to fuck us, they should experience every facet of us—the blood, the sweat, the vaginal secretions. . . all of us.

As for whether my lover has always been pro-period sex: This is something I actually had to ask him, because I didn’t know for sure if his stance about menstruation has always been positive.

This is what Jonathan told me:

“Period sex has never really bothered me. I just see it as a natural thing that happens, & you can just rinse the blood off. It’s not a big deal. Some of the women I’ve dated had their greatest level of arousal during their periods. And for me to pass that up, I’d miss out on a lot.”

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Many thanks to my good friend & period sex advocate Samantha Zipporah for lending me her knowledge in the aid of writing this post.