After I hit a period of sexlessness in my relationship, I read any book I could that would help diagnose & nurse my dysfunction.
And these books were quite helpful.
They told me to step outside of my comfort zones. They told me to no longer deny myself of the pleasure I was worthy of. They taught me about my body, the thousands of nerve endings my genitalia housed, the chemicals my brain released during orgasm.
As soon as I became an active participant in my sexual liberation, I was more connected to my succulence & desires.
And then I hit periods during the month where I simply didn’t want to be sexual. I didn’t have any desire to act out fantasies or sleep naked or have shower sex. Some days, I didn’t even want to be touched, not by myself or by my lover.
These feelings would strike suddenly, sometimes days after a magical night of fervent love making. It didn’t make sense. How could I be so primed for pleasure one moment, & then turned off the next?
Once again, I felt broken, as though my body wasn’t responding the way that it should. Feelings of discouragement coursed throughout my body as the cycle of condemnation whirred in my consciousness.
And I had been doing so well.
There was one thing that those sex-positive & body conscious books never told me. And if I had known it, I could have saved myself from the mental beatings I was given by my inner critic because I wasn’t habitually horny.
Instead, I learned the following truth the hard way, after years of debilitating self-loathing.
This is what I wish someone told me during those years:
Everyone is a sexual creature, but not all the time.
Our bodies are designed for delicious pleasure, yes, but this pleasure isn’t always available every day of every month of every year of our existence. Not for lack of trying, but based on biology & intuition, the potent things that often dictate our desires & arousal.
Where we are in our menstrual cycle is especially a reflection of where we are in our sexual cycle.
I think we sometimes forget that our sexual expression is very much ruled by hormones, not particular states of mind. Because of this, it’s imperative that we take into consideration the inner, biological workings of our bodies. And not solely on a physical level, but on an emotional level.
Sex (& sexuality) is often connected to many other facets of our lives. The air we breathe, the environment that nurtures us, the friendships that uplift our spirits, the food that satiates us, the level of comfort we experience in our love partnerships… it’s all connected to our expression of the sexual.
If those things are in harmony, our sensuality naturally flourishes.
If those things are at all incongruent, our expression suffers.
So take notice of the signals your body is giving you.
Feeling particularly randy? Check what day you’re on in your cycle. Feeling especially weary of anything sexual? Look up at the sky & see which phase the moon is in (we’re more connected to nature than we think).
Know your body. Know your ovulation. Become just as familiar with your lack of urges as you are with the desires you’re already acquainted with.
Don’t push to feel arousal that isn’t innately there. Doing this only causes you to go militantly against your essence.
Instead, be honest with yourself & with your partner. Abstain from sex if your body needs it. Celebrate the lull in your sexual expression; regenerate.
Take as long as you need.
And when you come back from your sexual sabbatical, you will do so with much openness in & awareness of your body.
